A Mess of Gender Confusion;

[blueawakening.livejournal.com]

This group may not be the place to discuss this, I've read your posts and it seems many of you are far beyond where I am at personally. I've been dealing with "gender dysphoria" all of my life. As a child my desires were so clear, I wanted to be a boy and I liked girls. As I grew older, I learned what lesbians were, assumed that I was one, and dealt with the trials and tribulations of homosexuality, deciding that must be my social categorization. As I grew older still, lesbian just didn't seem sufficient to describe me. For the past ten years, I've been dealing with the internal struggle of what feels like a jaggedly split divide. I do not feel that I am a woman, I don't know if I want to be a man, and the very thought of physically altering my body terrifies me. Hormones... surgery... it is such an enormous and permanent choice. Lately, I've longed for the confidence I had as a child, I want to be a boy and I like girls. The duality of my current existence is killing me.

How did you know you wanted to go through with it and become trans? How old were you? What was your process? Currently, I am identifying as "genderqueer" and refusing to choose a gender. I want to be one of those open people that can accept "fluidity" in gender, but there is a strong pull in me to make a decision. Any opinions on "genderqueer?" Have any of you ever chosen the label?