a rant of sorts...

[faeriegrrrl23.livejournal.com]

Debating my own transgenderness... there's a lot of things that I'm scared of... I'm scared that being polygendered is only a pause on the path to being completely transgender, ftm, I'm scared that being polygendered is the only place that I fit in and that it will never be accepted by anyone anywhere. I'm afraid to try to pass as a guy because my hands are small and I walk like a girl and I have a femme face... I'm scared to try to pass as a guy because I talk like a girl. i'm scared because I don't know if I can walk into a men's room without laughing or looking at other guys penises (even though I'm scared of them). I'm scared to go into a men's room because I'm afraid someone will ask me why I went into a stall. I'm scared to bind because I'm afraid it will ruin my so-called perfect breasts. i'm scared that the only reason I'm not transitioning totally is b/c I didn't know that there was anything outside of the binary gender system until recently and that I'm just now learning about it. I'm worried that I will never be sure what I want in my life in regards to gender and that it won't be stable and will always change. I'm worried that people will get sick of me changing my gender all the time... I'm scared that I will never pass to anyone...
Suzanne/Zac