The confusion which won't end any time soon

[http://users.livejournal.com/suzanne_/]

Damnit, I'm so confused about my sexuality now...

I don't know what is coming over me this time, but nothing is certain anymore. I'm not sure what to do ... I've been like this once before ... It's like the bisexual feelings I get once in a while confuse me ... They make me wonder wether I'm making the right choices and wether I'm bound to screw my life up or not. I mean, damnit I don't even know what I mean ...

There's this androgynity of some sort ... I mean, I have a lot of girlish traits but I have some masculine traits too... They bug me and they keep making me wonder wether I am desiring something that I shouldn't desire... There are a couple of things that started this whole thing, and now I'm completely and utterly confused again. I mean, I'm attracted to both boys and girls so I'm a bisexual, right? But it's different than that. I like different aspects in guys than I like in girls ... Girls are more curvey, nice, gentil while guys are strong, hard-edged and muscled(Oh yeah ;D), and I am doubting so much about what I am doing. I really feel the need to become a true female but my mind keeps going thru these loops which make me doubt more and more. What I was thinking was that maybe my mind screws things up in such a way, that being a girl would seem better ... easier or whatever. I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decisions and no test is gonna help me out of this mess. Everything is twisted and turned and I'm not sure what to do.

At these times I feel like taking a huge knife and just slitting my wrists, just to be done with it.

Does anyone, have any idea's what the hell I'm supposed to do with these feelings?

- Suzanne