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[sunshine-hate.livejournal.com]

 I'd like to share with you my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad doctor appointment.    Be forewarned, it's a bit lengthy!  ;o)

 

 

It was difficult deciding whether or not to name names.  I understand the need for privacy and I'm not one to talk crap on someone on the internets but I do believe prospective patients need to know my experience.  So I reached a compromise. At the time I lived in Kansas City and I went to see Dr. L.  

Before that, though, I had a therapist.  I've used her for about eight years for various other levels of support before deciding to take steps to transition.  She suggested I find a doc if I wanted to start hormones.  Upon returning the next month, I complained of my inability to really find anyone who specialized in such.  She looked into it and agreed, yeah, kind of hard to find them in Kansas.  But, she recalled, she worked with a doctor who kind of specialized in TG/TS issues and got me in contact with Dr. W.

Dr. W was a psychiatrist who did her grand rounds with TG/TS patients and had a few repeat customers.  Dr. W was nice, a bit of a drive away and quite pricey (her hospital did not do sliding scale and I had no insurance at the time) but very accepting and easy to work with.  On my second visit, she said that to diagnose me with GID, she needed to rule out intersex conditions.  She was moving hospitals (to even further away) over the next month or so, so she gave me a list of to-do/homework assignments (make a timelime, get this done, plan this out, and go to this local health clinic for bloodwork).

And that's how I met Dr. L.  I went to the clinic and after a brief scare ("we're not taking new patients") that eventually worked out ("unless you're transsexual...").  I scheduled an appointment and, on my way out, was caught by a patient of Dr. L.  This gal said that Dr. L was great, that I'd enjoy it, etc. etc.  Hopes were high.

On my first appointment, it was really hot out and I was super nervous.  I was expecting to pay a chunk of money but the sliding scale worked out wonderfully in my favor.  Got weighed, blood pressured, temperatured, and heighted then placed in a room for about half an hour.

An assistant of Dr. L came in to get my basic info and why I was there.  I will admit that I didn't go with all the information I needed.  All I knew was that I was there for a "blood test" to rule out intersex conditions.  I wait a bit longer before Dr. L comes in.  She asks me questions: why I'm there, etc.  Then she begins the interrogation.

I have to admit she was "nice" .. for awhile.  The questions, though, were so stereotypical: what was your household like, what toys did you play with as a child, what siblings do you have, etc.  It was hard to answer her for a few reasons.  First I was really nervous, second, how am I supposed to answer "Tell me about your childhood." ?  Where am I supposed to start??  "My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery."??  So I tried to sum it all up in a sentence or two.  She asked about my sex life, too.

At the end of stumbling through her questions, ten minutes at most, she says, "Well, I don't think you're really a transsexual."  Cue the kick-in-the-chest feeling.  "I don't think you'd be happy with transitioning as a woman and you'd be unhappy with SRS."  Cue inner rage.

I didn't go there for a fraking diagnosis. But being all torn up, I didn't have much of a coherent response besides nodding and saying, "Okay, how about that test?"  She didn't close any doors or say that she wouldn't treat me or anything, but man, was she pretty cold about it.

Keep in mind that she is the "premiere" gender doctor of the KC area.  She told me, on numerous occasions, of the hundreds of happy patients she's had.  She's an expert, dontchaknow, she knows what she's doing, uh huh.  People who pomp that kind of crap always come off to me as being hollow on the inside.  Who are you trying to convince, lady?

She said that she can check for intersex conditions with a simple physical.*  Would I like one?  Uh, well, no, not right now.  I wasn't planning on getting naked in front of strangers today.  I'm hot, sweaty, sticky, and quite a bit nervous.  So she leaves and gets a nurse for the chromosomal test.**

* - Afterwards, when I've mentioned this diagnosis procedure to other doctors, their jaws have dropped.  No, you need to draw blood.

** - Again, I wasn't really sure what test I needed so I was, "Chromosomes, okay."  I wasn't expecting or even hoping for a XXY condition, because I know how rare they are.  I don't need that sort of external confirmation, but I was doing what Dr. W asked me to.

In comes the nurse and mentions that test will be $600, paid immediately.  Er no, we'll pass on that one.  So Dr. L comes back and we schedule another appointment and for me to get a letter from my therapist or doctor declaring me as having GID.

I try to keep my mood positive.  It was a bad, awkward first date but maybe that's just because I was nervous, she was stressed, whatever.  Maybe the second time will go better.  

Nope.

Now I can't even get in contact with Dr W, after she moved hospitals.  I leave two messages but receive no return phone call.  My therapist, too, is gone.  She took some FMLA to adopt a child.  Floundering, I was.  I get in touch with my therapist's supervisor and get a letter drafted and mailed to Dr L.

After some scheduling confusion (they put me for appointment on Labor Day), I get back in to see Dr. L.  Same basic physical stats taken, and put into waiting room.  This is now October and they have the A/C running.  I proceed to freeze for the next half hour.  By the time Dr. L comes in, I'm shivering.

This time started out better. She mentions she got the letter but is "confused" by it.  "Usually there are some numbers here, where the diagnosis is.  But it got messed up in the printing and it's hard to tell."  Messed up?  Someone folded the letter before the ink was totally dry and it imprinted a bit.  It's still very legible but whatever, I'll get you a SECOND letter.

This time I was somewhat prepared to express my displeasure with her questioning.  "You asked me lots of questions last time.  Questions about my past.  You identified me as transvestite and not transsexual based on those questions.  But, to me, the difference between being a TV and a TS is not the past, but the future.  I'm not concerned with how I behaved back then, I'm concerned with who I'm going to be from now on."

I guess Dr. L just can't take any sort of criticism.  She just gets so rude.  She began on her little triad about how long she's been doing this and how many transsexuals she's helped and oh my god, she just doesn't want me to make a mistake I'll regret.

Well lady, how about you let ME worry about MY DECISIONS and MY REGRET.  Quit being some over-protective power-wielding gate-keeper.  In the end, that's the best way I can sum up her behavior.

I'd always considered myself pretty friendly to feminist ideals.  Y'know, your body, do what you want lady.  But I wasn't a feminist until I realized that I had to fight for the right to control my own body.

So we fight wits.  I compare her to W.E.B. Dubois/Booker T. Washington: being betrayed by one of my own supporters.  She refuses to believe that any real MTF TS could ever find pleasure in using a penis for sex. Real transsexuals don't (emphasis mine).  Whatever.  I hated my penis for a long, long time.  I thought long and hard about taking the tin snips to it, but, y'know, I didn't feel like bleeding to death.  In the end, I found a way to live with it for the time being and, hey, at least get some joy out of it until I find something better.  IN the end, it results in a much happier mental health for me than to be hating my body and hating sex and just feeling miserable about it all.  But all that's a different subject.

Third appointment.  By now I'm passing pretty well.  Even Dr. L says that if I can fine tune my voice, I'll be doing really great (only positive statement she's ever said, I believe).  Meanwhile, before all that, is the waiting.

My appointment was for 1pm.  I arrived at 12:45.  I get placed into a room at 1:15.  I wait for another 30 minutes.  I was walking to the door to leave (better things to do with my time than wait) when she walks in.  Probably not a good thing that I'm already hot about having to read the entire Entertainment Weekly.  This time she makes no mention that my therapist sent her ANOTHER letter with YES, a complete DSM diagnosis with numbers and classification and everything.  I mention that I'm not looking for hormones*, I would like some references to local electrolysis places, and some advice on getting a job with a non-legal name.  She proceeds to try to get me to change the name I've chosen and says she'll get back to me with some information.  Whatever lady.  By then I'm done, I don't schedule another appointment.  I never hear from her again (thanks for the info, Dr. L!  >=|  ).


In conclusion, beyond her attitude and "conservative approach" the one thing that really, really pissed me off about Dr. L was the roadblocks.

From the first ten minutes, all she did was throw up roadblocks.  Tried to dissuade me.  Tried to slow me down.   Obstacles and hurdles.  Y'know, yes, I understand that I shouldn't be rushing through things like this (I mean, it's permanent, and nothing else permanent in life can you just do overnight with no obstacles except for having a kid, getting a tattoo, or every single other one...), but you never asked me about my therapy about my TS feelings.  You had no idea that it took me almost a year to build up the courage and the steam to see you.  I do a lot, A LOT of emotional work to see you and what do you say?  "Eh, you're not a real TS."

Yes, I understand that you care about your patients, that you feel the need to be gate-keeping to "protect" them from themselves... but for fuck's sake lady, I never - ever - asked you for hormones.  I never even confirmed to you that I "wanted to be a woman."  I never said those words to you.  I never asked you for a diagnosis.  How about you be supportive and understanding at first and THEN WE WORRY ABOUT DETAILS LATER??  There will be PLENTY OF TIME for discussion your concerns and working through these obstacles LATER.

So, if you live near the Kansas City area, I can't recommend Dr. L.  Sure, maybe she has 600 transsexual patients she's done over the course of her life and they all worked out great, but it turned her into a cranky, controlling old witch.  ;o)

For me, I moved away to Florida.  Not really much more "open" than Kansas about TS issues but a fresh start.  I've found a new therapist (it was really, really hard to leave my old one, I miss and love her so much) who is everything that Dr. L is not.  Yes, she has her concerns I'm sure, and yes, she asked pretty much the same questions as Dr. L but she never judged my feelings or my 'condition' based on them and in three hours of meetings, I've never felt disenfranchised in the least.  I got a connection for hormones and other support personnel.

Mmph.