ack .. I like gay men!
Aug. 3rd, 2003 07:36 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
kailynbarr.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transI also posted this in my journal, but I'm looking for a wider audience so I can obtain more feedback ...
So ... there's this guy I've been seeing. He's a really cool queer (gay, I believe) guy who is into me, and I'm into him, except, well .. he doesn't know me, and doesn't exactly know about my plans.
We seem to be pretty seriously interested in one another. The question is, what happens when I come out to him as transgendered? I fear rejection. I'm on track to start HRT pretty soon as well (god damnit gotta get in there to store more sperm) and what happens then?
I'm sure we could get past the sexual effects of HRT, but I'm sure he isn't going to be too thrilled that I'm going to be a girl.
The question is, why do I care? Could it be that I've only had one serious boyfriend (the fucker who wasted most of my adult life, fuck him, he needs to die) and I want another one? Am I afraid that I'm not going to be able to land a guy who is going to care for me in my new state? I'm not sure I even want anything to do with straight men, but I am (as they call it) androphilic .. (that means I like guys) .. I appreciate the dyke aesthetic, and I dig girls [I've got a great girlfriend] but I'm not exactly a lesbian either .. I believe men will always be a part of my sex life and desire.
So .. I'm concerned, because lately I've been getting these feelings like .. like I want to be with this guy, but that doesn't seem possible if i'm going to transition. What concerns me the most is how easily my desire for these men seems to be interfering with my drive to transition .. The feelings dissipate after I come to my senses, which usually involves something like : "Well, he's not really that cool, so I could never sacrifice that much for ANY period of time for him." (I've had these feelings with a few different guys, but its only THIS ONE that seems to have a chance at coming close to influencing to path of my life).
So I guess its possible that I get so involved with him that I would suddenly have to start considering him in all of this .. which makes me feel crazy for even *trying* to date anyone these days, just seems like asking for trouble. On the other hand, I can't deny that I have these feelings, that are causing a conflict with my drive to transition.
So maybe I'm pushing myself too hard? I mean, some abuse issues have *just* come to the surface, and are also pretty serious. So I need to take it slow. But at the same time, I'm on track and I'm not exactly interested in derailing from that ... and I have limited time, as in NO money, my parents think I'm concentrating on my education (the fall quarter will be starting not too long from now), so I feel under tremendous pressure to SETTLE THIS NOW and get on with my life because I don't have the luxury of doing anything else.
So now, I feel totally confused, it's like even though I *feel like I am girl* (whatever that means) and I feel this uncontrollable drive to transition (I'm not sure I could stop if I could) I also really like this guy, I really like gay guys, and I also really like the attention I get from them .. I'm afraid to lose all of that if I transition (and really, it isn't that much to loose really, but the fact I'm even worrying about it concerns me; like, should I even be doing this at all?).
SOOOOOOOOO ... i'm sure this will all get cleared up when I come out to him. He'll be like, "see ya you freak" and not want anything to do with me. The question is, when will that happen? Things are getting intense, but it is still *very early*.
So ... there's this guy I've been seeing. He's a really cool queer (gay, I believe) guy who is into me, and I'm into him, except, well .. he doesn't know me, and doesn't exactly know about my plans.
We seem to be pretty seriously interested in one another. The question is, what happens when I come out to him as transgendered? I fear rejection. I'm on track to start HRT pretty soon as well (god damnit gotta get in there to store more sperm) and what happens then?
I'm sure we could get past the sexual effects of HRT, but I'm sure he isn't going to be too thrilled that I'm going to be a girl.
The question is, why do I care? Could it be that I've only had one serious boyfriend (the fucker who wasted most of my adult life, fuck him, he needs to die) and I want another one? Am I afraid that I'm not going to be able to land a guy who is going to care for me in my new state? I'm not sure I even want anything to do with straight men, but I am (as they call it) androphilic .. (that means I like guys) .. I appreciate the dyke aesthetic, and I dig girls [I've got a great girlfriend] but I'm not exactly a lesbian either .. I believe men will always be a part of my sex life and desire.
So .. I'm concerned, because lately I've been getting these feelings like .. like I want to be with this guy, but that doesn't seem possible if i'm going to transition. What concerns me the most is how easily my desire for these men seems to be interfering with my drive to transition .. The feelings dissipate after I come to my senses, which usually involves something like : "Well, he's not really that cool, so I could never sacrifice that much for ANY period of time for him." (I've had these feelings with a few different guys, but its only THIS ONE that seems to have a chance at coming close to influencing to path of my life).
So I guess its possible that I get so involved with him that I would suddenly have to start considering him in all of this .. which makes me feel crazy for even *trying* to date anyone these days, just seems like asking for trouble. On the other hand, I can't deny that I have these feelings, that are causing a conflict with my drive to transition.
So maybe I'm pushing myself too hard? I mean, some abuse issues have *just* come to the surface, and are also pretty serious. So I need to take it slow. But at the same time, I'm on track and I'm not exactly interested in derailing from that ... and I have limited time, as in NO money, my parents think I'm concentrating on my education (the fall quarter will be starting not too long from now), so I feel under tremendous pressure to SETTLE THIS NOW and get on with my life because I don't have the luxury of doing anything else.
So now, I feel totally confused, it's like even though I *feel like I am girl* (whatever that means) and I feel this uncontrollable drive to transition (I'm not sure I could stop if I could) I also really like this guy, I really like gay guys, and I also really like the attention I get from them .. I'm afraid to lose all of that if I transition (and really, it isn't that much to loose really, but the fact I'm even worrying about it concerns me; like, should I even be doing this at all?).
SOOOOOOOOO ... i'm sure this will all get cleared up when I come out to him. He'll be like, "see ya you freak" and not want anything to do with me. The question is, when will that happen? Things are getting intense, but it is still *very early*.