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transI haven't been able to sleep tonight, so once again I have been working on my "Letter" for my parents. I plan to tell them in person in early January, but I want this as a back-up in case I get too emotional and so they can read it later and soak in any information I didn't mention during the talk. I plan on also having a copy of True Selves for them and a bunch of information about transsexuality and a list of terminology for them. Parts of this letter I changed from other online letters to fit my life when I was unable to find the correct words for what I was feeling or wanted to say.
Mom and Dad,
It has been very difficult for me to write this letter. Although I want to be open and honest with you, I also don't want to upset you or worry you. I love you both very much, and that's why I've waited as long as I have to give you this news. I hope that no matter what your reaction is, you will take the time to read this entire letter. I felt I needed to put this down in a letter to make sure I was able to relate everything I need to tell you in a coherent manner. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know you have always said you would love me no matter what, but it still is hard. I have spent my entire life learning how to hide my feelings, afraid to tell people the things I was really thinking for fear of ridicule.
I have come to a number of very positive conclusions in my life over the last couple of years that now make it necessary for me to discuss something with you. I have a medical condition that I have been working to correct called Gender Dysphoria. This is otherwise referred to as being a transsexual or transgender. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition and is not a psychological disorder. It is also not about cross-dressing or a fetish or a perversion of any kind. This also has nothing to do with my sexuality and who I am sexually attracted to.
The most important thing I have to say at this point is it is not your fault. This has nothing to do with how I was raised or any experiences I have had in life. I have been this way since before I was born. It has to do with how the brain is structured; researchers believe that the brain is wired for gender in about the 14th week of development when a flood of testosterone washes over the fetus. If the amount and/or timing of the hormones is wrong, then the baby's mind and body may develop in different directions causing an incongruity between the body and how the brain is wired.
Since early in my life I have felt that there was something different about me, but I could not put my thoughts to words. When I began to realize that others didn't have these feelings and that I would be ostracized by speaking about them, I hid those feelings deep inside, and tried my best to act as I was expected to. I thought these feelings weren't permanent and that they would pass as I reached puberty, however to my dismay, puberty only made the problem worse. I have never felt comfortable in my body and I knew from a very early age that I was different than my male friends. When we played "war" I was the one who tried to make peace between the two sides (and was usually the first shot for my troubles). Throughout my life I have preferred to play games that were more associated to a female than a male. If you remember how much I cherished my Cabbage Patch Doll or how much time I spent cooking in my Easy-Bake Oven or having parties with my stuffed animals, then you know there is truth to these words. Some of my most fond memories of Children's World were playing house and collecting/trading Lisa Frank stickers with the other girls.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with myself and at times I didn't think I was going to make it. As you already know I tried to take my life numerous times during Jr. High and High School. Fortunately I failed in my attempts, even though I am not sure how I survived a few of them. I was also involved in something called self-mutilation where I would cut, bruise, and burn myself repeatedly. This continued for many, many years till I eventually started getting treatment. A therapist once described these actions to me as a way to take my inner pain and emotions that I couldn't control and turn it into a physical thing that I had complete control over. I know that these words are true because when I held the razor blade in my hand I knew I could control my pain, my blood, myself. I am not telling you this because I am trying to shock or frighten you, but as a way for me to express the hardships that I have gone through in the denial of myself.
When I admitted this to myself I could feel a huge weight being lifted off my soul. I started doing a large amount of research on the subject since I had very little knowledge about the medical condition, besides what I saw on Jerry Springer. I tried to figure out if I really was born in the wrong gender or if there was an underlying reason that was resulting in these feelings, but the more I read the more I knew inside myself that I was suffering from this condition. I know I am not a gay man trying to hide my sexuality, I know it is not based off a sexual fetish and I know it is not based off a derangement or mental problem.
Within the last few years, as I have matured, I have realized that these feelings cannot be denied any longer. Although being gender-gifted was not a choice, what I can do about it is. There are really only three options:
1. Kill myself: There was a point in my life when I thought this was the only answer, but I have moved past that and understand that there are things I can do that can promote my being instead of destroying it.
2. Live in misery and be depressed all my life: Been there, tried that, no thanks. I have come to the conclusion that this is who I am and if I deny what I feel it will just haunt me the rest of my life. I feel fortunate that I was able to accept this now, and not come to the conclusion like many transgendered due after they have a family and children
3. Transition and find peace with who I am: This is the path I have chosen because I know in my heart that it is the right decision. While I wish everyday of my life that I would have had the courage to tell you about this years ago, I still know I can have a wonderful fulfilling life ahead of me.
I wanted you to know that I am following an internationally recognized set of standards for transitioning which will hopefully end in surgery called a Gender reassignment surgery (GRS), which is the only way to resolve these problems. This is not something that I am undertaking lightly. I have and will have to jump through a lot of hoops in order for them to keep people who are not true transsexuals from making a mistake. I have been seeing an amazing therapist out here since the beginning of school which is a mandatory requirement before I can begin hormone replacement or be considered for surgery. I am still looking for a speech therapist as well to help me get the proper intonations and correct speech pattern to fit my gender. I am fortunate to have access to many services available at my school for students, even though the speech center said they didn't have anyone capable of providing what I need. I have also started a process called electrolysis to remove my facial hair. I am not sure if you know the process for electrolysis, but it involves taking a needle and placing it within a pore and then sending an electrical current to destroy the hair follicle. It is relatively painful and will take around 200-300 hours at $55/hour. I am paying for these sessions out of my own pocket and will looking for a job to help pay for them when I get back to school. I am willing to endure the pain and put this vast amount of money into it because I know it will eventually lead me to a happier more fulfilling life. Also now that I have been seeing a councilor for over three months (mandatory time required), I am now able to see a doctor about starting hormone therapy to reduce my testosterone levels and raise my estrogen to the proper levels. I plan on making an appointment to get my initial test done as soon as I get back to school and begin hormone treatment as soon as I can.
I don't have a single doubt in my mind that this is the correct path. The only uncertainty I have had about this entire ordeal is my ability to pass well as a physical female. I feel very fortunate that I am relatively small in stature and have smaller hands and feet than most males. I also have many feminine facial features. These should all help during my transition and allow me to live my life easier in my correct gender.
I can understand that this is difficult for the two of you to hear, and I acknowledge that you will have a hard time accepting my transition. However, it is the path I must take. I need to be true to myself. I know this is a lot for you to take in suddenly and I just want you to know that I love you and I want my relationship with you to remain intact and strong. I have been dealing with this for 22 years and I don't expect you to grasp the nuances of my situation immediately.
I do want to apologize to both of you though. Not for being who I am, because it is my life and I know what I am doing is right. I want to apologize for how I handled myself growing up. I know you always said you would be there for me no matter what, but I was scared and felt angry and alone. This resulted in me being very snappish and upset with you on many occasions and generally being too rebellious. I was angry at both of you for not seeing my pain and not understanding my pleas when I reached out for you. I felt you should have known what I was dealing with and been able to help. I got very upset and angry whenever I tried to define my pain and you responded with "It's just hormones, everyone goes through it" or "It's just puberty". I suppose you were right, just not in the way you thought you were. It was unfair of me to assume that you would know what I was dealing with when this is not something that parents think about when they think about their children. I am still working through some of that anger, but I understand why now.
I have enclosed information about my condition along with a list of terminology and a list of resources if you want more information. I also have bought a book for you called True Selves that is in my opinion one of the best books on the subject. I hope you will at least look at it if not actually take the time to read it all. Many of my close friends already know about this and have been very supportive of me. I have also told ::Insert Doctor/Neighbor's Name::, mainly because I still consider him my doctor and my choice to start hormones will have an affect on that, I also told him because I wanted you two to have a person to talk to about this that can give you a different perspective.
Anything you think I need to add/remove/change?
I think I got a little too passive aggresive at one point. =P
Loves,
-Erin
Mom and Dad,
It has been very difficult for me to write this letter. Although I want to be open and honest with you, I also don't want to upset you or worry you. I love you both very much, and that's why I've waited as long as I have to give you this news. I hope that no matter what your reaction is, you will take the time to read this entire letter. I felt I needed to put this down in a letter to make sure I was able to relate everything I need to tell you in a coherent manner. This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know you have always said you would love me no matter what, but it still is hard. I have spent my entire life learning how to hide my feelings, afraid to tell people the things I was really thinking for fear of ridicule.
I have come to a number of very positive conclusions in my life over the last couple of years that now make it necessary for me to discuss something with you. I have a medical condition that I have been working to correct called Gender Dysphoria. This is otherwise referred to as being a transsexual or transgender. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition and is not a psychological disorder. It is also not about cross-dressing or a fetish or a perversion of any kind. This also has nothing to do with my sexuality and who I am sexually attracted to.
The most important thing I have to say at this point is it is not your fault. This has nothing to do with how I was raised or any experiences I have had in life. I have been this way since before I was born. It has to do with how the brain is structured; researchers believe that the brain is wired for gender in about the 14th week of development when a flood of testosterone washes over the fetus. If the amount and/or timing of the hormones is wrong, then the baby's mind and body may develop in different directions causing an incongruity between the body and how the brain is wired.
Since early in my life I have felt that there was something different about me, but I could not put my thoughts to words. When I began to realize that others didn't have these feelings and that I would be ostracized by speaking about them, I hid those feelings deep inside, and tried my best to act as I was expected to. I thought these feelings weren't permanent and that they would pass as I reached puberty, however to my dismay, puberty only made the problem worse. I have never felt comfortable in my body and I knew from a very early age that I was different than my male friends. When we played "war" I was the one who tried to make peace between the two sides (and was usually the first shot for my troubles). Throughout my life I have preferred to play games that were more associated to a female than a male. If you remember how much I cherished my Cabbage Patch Doll or how much time I spent cooking in my Easy-Bake Oven or having parties with my stuffed animals, then you know there is truth to these words. Some of my most fond memories of Children's World were playing house and collecting/trading Lisa Frank stickers with the other girls.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with myself and at times I didn't think I was going to make it. As you already know I tried to take my life numerous times during Jr. High and High School. Fortunately I failed in my attempts, even though I am not sure how I survived a few of them. I was also involved in something called self-mutilation where I would cut, bruise, and burn myself repeatedly. This continued for many, many years till I eventually started getting treatment. A therapist once described these actions to me as a way to take my inner pain and emotions that I couldn't control and turn it into a physical thing that I had complete control over. I know that these words are true because when I held the razor blade in my hand I knew I could control my pain, my blood, myself. I am not telling you this because I am trying to shock or frighten you, but as a way for me to express the hardships that I have gone through in the denial of myself.
When I admitted this to myself I could feel a huge weight being lifted off my soul. I started doing a large amount of research on the subject since I had very little knowledge about the medical condition, besides what I saw on Jerry Springer. I tried to figure out if I really was born in the wrong gender or if there was an underlying reason that was resulting in these feelings, but the more I read the more I knew inside myself that I was suffering from this condition. I know I am not a gay man trying to hide my sexuality, I know it is not based off a sexual fetish and I know it is not based off a derangement or mental problem.
Within the last few years, as I have matured, I have realized that these feelings cannot be denied any longer. Although being gender-gifted was not a choice, what I can do about it is. There are really only three options:
1. Kill myself: There was a point in my life when I thought this was the only answer, but I have moved past that and understand that there are things I can do that can promote my being instead of destroying it.
2. Live in misery and be depressed all my life: Been there, tried that, no thanks. I have come to the conclusion that this is who I am and if I deny what I feel it will just haunt me the rest of my life. I feel fortunate that I was able to accept this now, and not come to the conclusion like many transgendered due after they have a family and children
3. Transition and find peace with who I am: This is the path I have chosen because I know in my heart that it is the right decision. While I wish everyday of my life that I would have had the courage to tell you about this years ago, I still know I can have a wonderful fulfilling life ahead of me.
I wanted you to know that I am following an internationally recognized set of standards for transitioning which will hopefully end in surgery called a Gender reassignment surgery (GRS), which is the only way to resolve these problems. This is not something that I am undertaking lightly. I have and will have to jump through a lot of hoops in order for them to keep people who are not true transsexuals from making a mistake. I have been seeing an amazing therapist out here since the beginning of school which is a mandatory requirement before I can begin hormone replacement or be considered for surgery. I am still looking for a speech therapist as well to help me get the proper intonations and correct speech pattern to fit my gender. I am fortunate to have access to many services available at my school for students, even though the speech center said they didn't have anyone capable of providing what I need. I have also started a process called electrolysis to remove my facial hair. I am not sure if you know the process for electrolysis, but it involves taking a needle and placing it within a pore and then sending an electrical current to destroy the hair follicle. It is relatively painful and will take around 200-300 hours at $55/hour. I am paying for these sessions out of my own pocket and will looking for a job to help pay for them when I get back to school. I am willing to endure the pain and put this vast amount of money into it because I know it will eventually lead me to a happier more fulfilling life. Also now that I have been seeing a councilor for over three months (mandatory time required), I am now able to see a doctor about starting hormone therapy to reduce my testosterone levels and raise my estrogen to the proper levels. I plan on making an appointment to get my initial test done as soon as I get back to school and begin hormone treatment as soon as I can.
I don't have a single doubt in my mind that this is the correct path. The only uncertainty I have had about this entire ordeal is my ability to pass well as a physical female. I feel very fortunate that I am relatively small in stature and have smaller hands and feet than most males. I also have many feminine facial features. These should all help during my transition and allow me to live my life easier in my correct gender.
I can understand that this is difficult for the two of you to hear, and I acknowledge that you will have a hard time accepting my transition. However, it is the path I must take. I need to be true to myself. I know this is a lot for you to take in suddenly and I just want you to know that I love you and I want my relationship with you to remain intact and strong. I have been dealing with this for 22 years and I don't expect you to grasp the nuances of my situation immediately.
I do want to apologize to both of you though. Not for being who I am, because it is my life and I know what I am doing is right. I want to apologize for how I handled myself growing up. I know you always said you would be there for me no matter what, but I was scared and felt angry and alone. This resulted in me being very snappish and upset with you on many occasions and generally being too rebellious. I was angry at both of you for not seeing my pain and not understanding my pleas when I reached out for you. I felt you should have known what I was dealing with and been able to help. I got very upset and angry whenever I tried to define my pain and you responded with "It's just hormones, everyone goes through it" or "It's just puberty". I suppose you were right, just not in the way you thought you were. It was unfair of me to assume that you would know what I was dealing with when this is not something that parents think about when they think about their children. I am still working through some of that anger, but I understand why now.
I have enclosed information about my condition along with a list of terminology and a list of resources if you want more information. I also have bought a book for you called True Selves that is in my opinion one of the best books on the subject. I hope you will at least look at it if not actually take the time to read it all. Many of my close friends already know about this and have been very supportive of me. I have also told ::Insert Doctor/Neighbor's Name::, mainly because I still consider him my doctor and my choice to start hormones will have an affect on that, I also told him because I wanted you two to have a person to talk to about this that can give you a different perspective.
Anything you think I need to add/remove/change?
I think I got a little too passive aggresive at one point. =P
Loves,
-Erin
