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Jan. 19th, 2004 01:26 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
genericlj.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transI'm writing this from a very generic journal. My baby wrote a private post and has given me permission to post it here. All the names have been changed. She writes:
now for the juicy stuff....
* super intimate post...what is said here, STAYS HERE.
I am really falling in love with someone. Some of you know that it is Chris. Now all of you know. Anyway, Chris and I have been talking on the phone basically every day. I am learning so much about Chris and myself and I have never felt this free talking with someone about the issues I have grappled with throughout my life.
One of the issues is dealing with my gender and how I relate to it. Of all the people to talk to about this topic, Chis is a pretty awesome person to talk to about it. Heh. (I am imagining you all clicking on Chris'es journal name and reading all about Chris right about now.) Anyway, I have thought and thought and thought and thought and thought about my relationships I had with Robert and Jeff. I always felt confined in those relationships. I felt like I had to curb certain behaviors and thoughts because I did not want to scare them away. These ideas were not harmful to them, per se, just different. I mean, I think they are different.
I do not think most women feel like telling their lovers that they wanted to have different types of relationships with them.
I am talking about the different people inside of one person. Not multiple personality disorder, just the times when one feels different from how they present themselves to the world at large.
At times, I feel like a man or a boy or a girl, or a woman of varying degrees of sexual orientation and desires and I like to express all of those facets of me with the person I love and choose to be intimate with. I mean, there are times when I felt like a gay man and I wanted to f**k the brains out of Robert or Jeff. There are also times I felt like doing that with them when I felt like a woman. And maybe when I was feeling like a woman, I would like for them to express their womanly nature to me...would that make us lesbians...? So many variations, it is dizzying when I think of the possibilities.
But how do you say to your boyfriend, "I want to see your mouth around my cock?" ESPECIALLY when you do not have a cock to begin with? I mean, I can buy my cock, but...telling them that I would love it if they could be the woman and I could be the man during some of our sexual interactions? I did ask them if I could do that and they would laugh and say "NO!" and that would be that. This led to me think that my desires were too much for anyone to handle and I started to feel like I was too much for anyone to be with. Too Intense, Too Different, Too Much.
I am not saying that these feelings I have are 'normal,' but they are mine and they are not hurting anyone. I do not have these feelings so that I can never find someone to share my life with. I crave love, intimacy, passion and security that comes with a relationship. It is quite possible that I have found this person in Chris. This is yet to be seen. But I am willing to go down this road.
I believe that there is a reason I stopped being specific in my terms of finding a "boyfriend"...Once I turned 18, I started to say: "when I am I going to find the right PERSON for me?" This change in my view of who I was going to have relationships with occurred very naturally.
I am open to anyone who shows me respect, kindness, care and understanding. I find that I am attracted to many different types of Books and I do not let the Book Covers dissuade me from cracking open that Book and seeing what it has to offer me.
I feel blessed.
now for the juicy stuff....
* super intimate post...what is said here, STAYS HERE.
I am really falling in love with someone. Some of you know that it is Chris. Now all of you know. Anyway, Chris and I have been talking on the phone basically every day. I am learning so much about Chris and myself and I have never felt this free talking with someone about the issues I have grappled with throughout my life.
One of the issues is dealing with my gender and how I relate to it. Of all the people to talk to about this topic, Chis is a pretty awesome person to talk to about it. Heh. (I am imagining you all clicking on Chris'es journal name and reading all about Chris right about now.) Anyway, I have thought and thought and thought and thought and thought about my relationships I had with Robert and Jeff. I always felt confined in those relationships. I felt like I had to curb certain behaviors and thoughts because I did not want to scare them away. These ideas were not harmful to them, per se, just different. I mean, I think they are different.
I do not think most women feel like telling their lovers that they wanted to have different types of relationships with them.
I am talking about the different people inside of one person. Not multiple personality disorder, just the times when one feels different from how they present themselves to the world at large.
At times, I feel like a man or a boy or a girl, or a woman of varying degrees of sexual orientation and desires and I like to express all of those facets of me with the person I love and choose to be intimate with. I mean, there are times when I felt like a gay man and I wanted to f**k the brains out of Robert or Jeff. There are also times I felt like doing that with them when I felt like a woman. And maybe when I was feeling like a woman, I would like for them to express their womanly nature to me...would that make us lesbians...? So many variations, it is dizzying when I think of the possibilities.
But how do you say to your boyfriend, "I want to see your mouth around my cock?" ESPECIALLY when you do not have a cock to begin with? I mean, I can buy my cock, but...telling them that I would love it if they could be the woman and I could be the man during some of our sexual interactions? I did ask them if I could do that and they would laugh and say "NO!" and that would be that. This led to me think that my desires were too much for anyone to handle and I started to feel like I was too much for anyone to be with. Too Intense, Too Different, Too Much.
I am not saying that these feelings I have are 'normal,' but they are mine and they are not hurting anyone. I do not have these feelings so that I can never find someone to share my life with. I crave love, intimacy, passion and security that comes with a relationship. It is quite possible that I have found this person in Chris. This is yet to be seen. But I am willing to go down this road.
I believe that there is a reason I stopped being specific in my terms of finding a "boyfriend"...Once I turned 18, I started to say: "when I am I going to find the right PERSON for me?" This change in my view of who I was going to have relationships with occurred very naturally.
I am open to anyone who shows me respect, kindness, care and understanding. I find that I am attracted to many different types of Books and I do not let the Book Covers dissuade me from cracking open that Book and seeing what it has to offer me.
I feel blessed.