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transcross-posted ramble. maybe it will help someone, maybe not. but here goes:
today, there were two sightings. first time, i ran through the kitchen and up the stairs. the second time, i was watching "Ocean's Eleven." that time i lingered.
sometimes i feel like a ghost, passing through my own life. sometimes i feel like a vampire cuz more often than not, i cant see myself in the mirror.
i'm lost, but i'm finding myself. in pieces. through others' love and trust and encouragement.
in the oddness calander, i am 12 going on 25 going on 42.
i have an old soul, weathered, tired, and one that along with the fountain of youth known as (and just ask any mid forties Metairie housewife) HRT, keeps me looking fresh and even, for the most part, relatively young(er).
let me try to explain.
take the principle type of therapy i believe in, known as Inter Family Solutions, or IFS. developed primarily for victims/survivors of child abuse, at the University of Chicago, in the early seventies i believe, it deals with the Parts of Self, and works towards harmonizing those parts in a synergistic way so that the Self becomes fully empowered, to almost magical levels.
to describe it quickly is sort of like Multiple Personality Disorder Exercises.
in practice, its a fierce and unconventional form of therapy.
typically, you find people who use a type of toned-down version. instead of giving parts names (or discover the names you've given these parts), you limit yourself with "the angry woman", "the little girl locked away in a small jail cell", "the protective male" (though eventually you come to wonder who exactly this part is protective of), and so on.
lets look at the little girl locked away in a small jail cell. how did she get there? what's she been doing all these years? human instinct and American cinema would suggest that she's been plotting for her escape.
but what if she had to become a ghost to do it. what if she had to recognize her nemesis as the vampire he is, and battle him to the death, in order to slip into his corporeal being?
do the two parts switch places? does that mean that the vampire is now somehow imprisoned? do his flashings of appearance become, with time, less and less?
and how does the ghost of the girl once imprisoned feel about how she fits, not only in her new and changing body, but also about how she finds herself faced with the prospect of the rehersed parts of herself becoming more natural?
the fact of the matter is, once the newly freed girl becomes instinctively comfortable and natural in this newfound skin, isnt a part of her, the part that is the man, lost, and hence, thru living as that man for so many years, isnt she losing a part of herself?
and most importantly, if she as a ghost can only become corporeal through the feelings of free relaxation, of confidence, and joy and immediate bliss, doesnt a part of her that disdains such behavior as sit com conservative, have to remain in effect, in order for her to be whole in a continual continuum?
i dont know.
i've hit some amazing highs, and some amazing lows. i've hit them enough to be able to see patterns, to see that extremes do me in, turn me towards my poison. avoid the extremes then, but how can i, when two parts inside me still do battle.
Big L still just wont go away. through my body, because i am now for the most part in charge, and in being in charge, i defer to the wisest of my advisors, he has kept me liquid, kept me on a path that can and will eventually afford my transistion.
so, as one fades, the other comes into flesh. the hostess at the steakhouse on St Charles wishes a genetic female friend and me "a good day, ladies."
but only moments after our waiter has thanked me as Mr. Thorne, ignoring the imprinted middle name, Lisolette.
do you have any idea how many times i've rehearsed the line, when someone calls me on my middle name, a la "isnt that a girl's name?".... i'm poised each time i give up my check card, waiting... ready to say:
"heh. yeah. guess my folks really wanted a girl."
but i havent figured out the timing of it yet. not like joke timing, though that thought often comes reciprically to mind. but just the timing. i'm never around a mirror when i might have the opportunity to look at who i truly am.
instead, for now, i'm faced with this: to accept who i am by being around others who can see who i am.
thats the best i can do right now.
is it enough?
omg yes.
moreso than.
and for right now, thats more than simply fine.
and now i will put the rest of this behind a cut.
this is who i am, a ghost of a vampire of a little girl, once locked terribly away, and now i'm free, and its hard to adjust. i need a halfway house i guess.
thats all.
i yam who i yam.
my name is Taylor. i'm a leathergirl transgendered dyke who hides my intelligence and life experience behind the shield of a being who is become the true ghost. as i become corpeal.
as i learn to hang around longer.... and longer... each time, each day, each moment.
cuz thats how time works for a being such as me.
today, there were two sightings. first time, i ran through the kitchen and up the stairs. the second time, i was watching "Ocean's Eleven." that time i lingered.
sometimes i feel like a ghost, passing through my own life. sometimes i feel like a vampire cuz more often than not, i cant see myself in the mirror.
i'm lost, but i'm finding myself. in pieces. through others' love and trust and encouragement.
in the oddness calander, i am 12 going on 25 going on 42.
i have an old soul, weathered, tired, and one that along with the fountain of youth known as (and just ask any mid forties Metairie housewife) HRT, keeps me looking fresh and even, for the most part, relatively young(er).
let me try to explain.
take the principle type of therapy i believe in, known as Inter Family Solutions, or IFS. developed primarily for victims/survivors of child abuse, at the University of Chicago, in the early seventies i believe, it deals with the Parts of Self, and works towards harmonizing those parts in a synergistic way so that the Self becomes fully empowered, to almost magical levels.
to describe it quickly is sort of like Multiple Personality Disorder Exercises.
in practice, its a fierce and unconventional form of therapy.
typically, you find people who use a type of toned-down version. instead of giving parts names (or discover the names you've given these parts), you limit yourself with "the angry woman", "the little girl locked away in a small jail cell", "the protective male" (though eventually you come to wonder who exactly this part is protective of), and so on.
lets look at the little girl locked away in a small jail cell. how did she get there? what's she been doing all these years? human instinct and American cinema would suggest that she's been plotting for her escape.
but what if she had to become a ghost to do it. what if she had to recognize her nemesis as the vampire he is, and battle him to the death, in order to slip into his corporeal being?
do the two parts switch places? does that mean that the vampire is now somehow imprisoned? do his flashings of appearance become, with time, less and less?
and how does the ghost of the girl once imprisoned feel about how she fits, not only in her new and changing body, but also about how she finds herself faced with the prospect of the rehersed parts of herself becoming more natural?
the fact of the matter is, once the newly freed girl becomes instinctively comfortable and natural in this newfound skin, isnt a part of her, the part that is the man, lost, and hence, thru living as that man for so many years, isnt she losing a part of herself?
and most importantly, if she as a ghost can only become corporeal through the feelings of free relaxation, of confidence, and joy and immediate bliss, doesnt a part of her that disdains such behavior as sit com conservative, have to remain in effect, in order for her to be whole in a continual continuum?
i dont know.
i've hit some amazing highs, and some amazing lows. i've hit them enough to be able to see patterns, to see that extremes do me in, turn me towards my poison. avoid the extremes then, but how can i, when two parts inside me still do battle.
Big L still just wont go away. through my body, because i am now for the most part in charge, and in being in charge, i defer to the wisest of my advisors, he has kept me liquid, kept me on a path that can and will eventually afford my transistion.
so, as one fades, the other comes into flesh. the hostess at the steakhouse on St Charles wishes a genetic female friend and me "a good day, ladies."
but only moments after our waiter has thanked me as Mr. Thorne, ignoring the imprinted middle name, Lisolette.
do you have any idea how many times i've rehearsed the line, when someone calls me on my middle name, a la "isnt that a girl's name?".... i'm poised each time i give up my check card, waiting... ready to say:
"heh. yeah. guess my folks really wanted a girl."
but i havent figured out the timing of it yet. not like joke timing, though that thought often comes reciprically to mind. but just the timing. i'm never around a mirror when i might have the opportunity to look at who i truly am.
instead, for now, i'm faced with this: to accept who i am by being around others who can see who i am.
thats the best i can do right now.
is it enough?
omg yes.
moreso than.
and for right now, thats more than simply fine.
and now i will put the rest of this behind a cut.
this is who i am, a ghost of a vampire of a little girl, once locked terribly away, and now i'm free, and its hard to adjust. i need a halfway house i guess.
thats all.
i yam who i yam.
my name is Taylor. i'm a leathergirl transgendered dyke who hides my intelligence and life experience behind the shield of a being who is become the true ghost. as i become corpeal.
as i learn to hang around longer.... and longer... each time, each day, each moment.
cuz thats how time works for a being such as me.