A realisation for me

[mistwolf.livejournal.com]

Today, I came to a realisation about something, an epiphany of sorts you could say. Part of my lifelong reluctance in pursuing transition has been that I have convinced myself that it's not a need. That is is a want, or a kink, or a weirdness, or a desire, but not a need. And even now, I admit, I don't think of it as a need.

I have been telling friends online about my decision, and the vast majority have been overwhelimngly supportive. The rest are OK with it, but just Do Not Understand. One of the common questions I get from people in the second group, and occaisonally from the first, is 'What will you get out of it' or 'What do you think you will gain by transitioning'.

This question hit home a lot, and was very hard for me to answer. Sure, I did, giving things like 'being able to enjoy my body the way I prefer to' and whatnot, but none of them really felt adequet. They were just lacking, and this lacking has always felt, to my psyche, as some subconcious knowledge that this is a triviality, something I am just 'interested' in. Even, as chirik quoted back to me in my original post, saying things like 'I don't think I am TG, I just want to be female'.

The inability to answer this bothered me, until I realised something... Not being able to quantify this is exactly what moves it out of kink/desire/interest, and into /need/. If I didn't /need/ this, inside my psyche, and in my soul, I would have better reasons why I want to do it.

Does that make sense?

I mean, look at spanking. Some people really, really enjoy it, get off on it. And usually, they can tell you why. They like feeling subjigated, they like the way the welts tingle, so on, so forth. They have a kink, and they know what they like about it.

I don't have that. I just have, for as long as I can recall, the feeling that I want to be female. I have dreams where I am female, and wake up in near-tears with frustration. I spend time, hours a week at least, sometimes hours a day, imagining I am female. Heck, when I play RPGs online, I play women more often than men. And while I know a lot of men do, I also get compliments from people for it, or people being floored to learn I'm actually male. And I love that feeling!

So, that was my realisation today. I tried, online with friends, to express it, and failed miserably. Hopefully, this worked better!

I would very, very much like to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I am flying blind as far as my emotions go, and love to have insite from people who have either been through this, are going through this, thinking about it, etc, etc. :)