A bunch of babbling...introspectivity...
Mar. 29th, 2005 02:33 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
orchidflower.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transI'm up late, and I'm searching my soul, and I figured, what the hell, commiseration is awesome!
So, i've been thinking and noticing and such and soforth...
For one, I am coming quite along on my whole journey of self-discovery. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my gender conformity issues are not only real, but are very chronic, dating back to very early childhood. The more I think about it, the more I realize my lack of intense gender dysphoria has a lot to do with the fact that I was never forced into rigid gender conformity, as a child. I wanted something to twirl in, mom gave me a silky poncho to wear as a skirt, and i spun around the house like a littel yellow ballerina, all day. I wanted a pretty pony, I got one and damn well took it to the barbeque restaurant that night. (She was white with a long, silky mane that I brushed and braided) I never faced harsh backlash to my expression, as a child. I don't think my parents really had any clue about the possibility of transgendered status for me, so it wasn't really discussed, but it wasn't something that was strictly forbidden. Really, I was allowed a lot of leeway and freedom.
I must say that I truly do love my parents for all that they have done for me. Let's face it, I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I always had acceptance, love, and freedom to be me. Which makes for an interesting connundrum. In the absence of rigid gender conformation, I never really generated a huge resentment of my assigned gender. I don't hate my penis for confining me to so some kind of masculine prison. I don't agonize for hours over the fact that I was never allowed to wear mommy's makeup. I don't feel I was denied the ability to express my own gender conformity.
(and let's face it...I'm pretty oblivious...I didn't really notice I was especially odd until highschool...I used to spend a lot of time at football practice looking at flowers in the feild grass and thinking that boys were really stupid.)
However, I do feel that I am not exactly male. The more I think about it, the more I realize that all those things about myself that I admire are "feminine." All the traits I find admirable in myself are typically ascribed to women. The fact that I have an hourglass shape, a rounded face, full lips, thick eyelashes, beautiful curly hair, shapely legs, and a deeply caring, nurturing nature are all things that are considered feminine. I have always wanted kids, but I never stopped to think of myself as a typical dad...I just always pictured myself in a very maternal place with any kids I might have. I've often remarked that I have major uterus envy...which I guess is a pretty strong indicator of gender dysphoria... I guess that is the one area in which I really ever felt cheated by being born bio-male. I eventually came to realize that I would never have the deep, meaningful bond of motherhood.
*sigh*
At this point, I realize that I am increasingly uncomfortable in a male role. I avoid myself in the mirror if I look particularly boyish, I hate the way men's shirts hang on me, completely hiding my figure, and I thoroughly resent my body hair... The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'd probably be so much happier as a woman, seeing a woman in the mirror every day, and knowing that I wouldn't have to look past the male to see that which I find beautiful about me.
Beyond all that, I also realize that I actually really appreciate it when people call me ma'am, or someone says "she" in reference to me. I find that, as silly as it is, people using feminine pronouns validates the things about me that give me confidence. As a boy, my soft jawline and pouty lips were a constant worry...would I ever develop that square jaw and that long torso that is so revered in men? I realize now that I never really wanted those things, but I wanted what I HAVE to be valid. What I have *IS* valid, of course, but really, I find that I like girl-me a lot more than boy me. I'm more comfortable as Cecilie than as Cecil, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I may not resent my penis simply for existing, but I wouldn't really miss it if it were gone... TMI as it may be, I sorta long to slip my hand between my legs and feel the welcoming folds of a vagina, not the warmth and firmness of a penis.
-CJ
So, i've been thinking and noticing and such and soforth...
For one, I am coming quite along on my whole journey of self-discovery. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my gender conformity issues are not only real, but are very chronic, dating back to very early childhood. The more I think about it, the more I realize my lack of intense gender dysphoria has a lot to do with the fact that I was never forced into rigid gender conformity, as a child. I wanted something to twirl in, mom gave me a silky poncho to wear as a skirt, and i spun around the house like a littel yellow ballerina, all day. I wanted a pretty pony, I got one and damn well took it to the barbeque restaurant that night. (She was white with a long, silky mane that I brushed and braided) I never faced harsh backlash to my expression, as a child. I don't think my parents really had any clue about the possibility of transgendered status for me, so it wasn't really discussed, but it wasn't something that was strictly forbidden. Really, I was allowed a lot of leeway and freedom.
I must say that I truly do love my parents for all that they have done for me. Let's face it, I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I always had acceptance, love, and freedom to be me. Which makes for an interesting connundrum. In the absence of rigid gender conformation, I never really generated a huge resentment of my assigned gender. I don't hate my penis for confining me to so some kind of masculine prison. I don't agonize for hours over the fact that I was never allowed to wear mommy's makeup. I don't feel I was denied the ability to express my own gender conformity.
(and let's face it...I'm pretty oblivious...I didn't really notice I was especially odd until highschool...I used to spend a lot of time at football practice looking at flowers in the feild grass and thinking that boys were really stupid.)
However, I do feel that I am not exactly male. The more I think about it, the more I realize that all those things about myself that I admire are "feminine." All the traits I find admirable in myself are typically ascribed to women. The fact that I have an hourglass shape, a rounded face, full lips, thick eyelashes, beautiful curly hair, shapely legs, and a deeply caring, nurturing nature are all things that are considered feminine. I have always wanted kids, but I never stopped to think of myself as a typical dad...I just always pictured myself in a very maternal place with any kids I might have. I've often remarked that I have major uterus envy...which I guess is a pretty strong indicator of gender dysphoria... I guess that is the one area in which I really ever felt cheated by being born bio-male. I eventually came to realize that I would never have the deep, meaningful bond of motherhood.
*sigh*
At this point, I realize that I am increasingly uncomfortable in a male role. I avoid myself in the mirror if I look particularly boyish, I hate the way men's shirts hang on me, completely hiding my figure, and I thoroughly resent my body hair... The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'd probably be so much happier as a woman, seeing a woman in the mirror every day, and knowing that I wouldn't have to look past the male to see that which I find beautiful about me.
Beyond all that, I also realize that I actually really appreciate it when people call me ma'am, or someone says "she" in reference to me. I find that, as silly as it is, people using feminine pronouns validates the things about me that give me confidence. As a boy, my soft jawline and pouty lips were a constant worry...would I ever develop that square jaw and that long torso that is so revered in men? I realize now that I never really wanted those things, but I wanted what I HAVE to be valid. What I have *IS* valid, of course, but really, I find that I like girl-me a lot more than boy me. I'm more comfortable as Cecilie than as Cecil, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I may not resent my penis simply for existing, but I wouldn't really miss it if it were gone... TMI as it may be, I sorta long to slip my hand between my legs and feel the welcoming folds of a vagina, not the warmth and firmness of a penis.
-CJ