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Jun. 14th, 2005 07:34 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sekoumoja.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transUh. Hm. I've been doing the whole "it doesn't exist" thing for a bit now. I've been a mess lately, I haven't been at school or anywhere. I've been depressed and I didn't know why, could it be that little thing that bothered me before? Nah, of course not. So I burried myself deeper and deeper from.. everything. The majority of my issues have been how I'm going to find the Scarlet Chestpiece or why that warrior got that Wildheart Kilt and not me (World of Warcraft). Just thinking about it, something I haven't done in a very long time, I can see how much it upsets me even if I don't think it upsets me. Opening up my drawer and seeing my size 42 waist pants next to my 12 flares is a bother (And I'm not 42, I'm 32 - 34 my mom thinks I'm a 42 and won't buy smaller ever since I came out to her).
I'm very very upset. I just want to be doing something about this whole thing. Which I know I'm not. I can't seem to find anyone I can talk to psychologist or psychiatrist or anyone at all who is accessable by less than an 8 hour bus ride and if I do, I still will probably need to worry about paying becuase MediCal isn't that great. I'm very close to just trying to order hormones online or something and just do it so I'm not sitting stagnent. I've heard many stories of people saying how it worked for them and stories about how their skin melted off, neither of which dissuade me.
I just got a job, though. I start this Thursday for training at the Vons service deli. Starting pay is 7.50$ and hour, 9.50$ on Sundays with an auto-raise after the first 9 weeks or something of 1.50$. It's good news, and if I can work 32 hours a week I get Work Experience from school, too. So I am starting to have my first income.. like, ever.
I'm sure there's some sort of support group or some kind of meeting in San Diego somewhere. But I just can't find anything. I'm struggling to cope with a lot of things but the root of a lot of those things is my frustration with being transgender, I'm either depressed and don't go to school or I'm upset and blow up at my mate or I'm suicidal. That whole suicide bit has really reared it's head a lot lately. I gave my knife to my mate as a promise I wouldn't, but I've been there a lot..
Anyways.. that's my ranting and first post I've done with how I've felt in a long long time..
-Samantha
I'm very very upset. I just want to be doing something about this whole thing. Which I know I'm not. I can't seem to find anyone I can talk to psychologist or psychiatrist or anyone at all who is accessable by less than an 8 hour bus ride and if I do, I still will probably need to worry about paying becuase MediCal isn't that great. I'm very close to just trying to order hormones online or something and just do it so I'm not sitting stagnent. I've heard many stories of people saying how it worked for them and stories about how their skin melted off, neither of which dissuade me.
I just got a job, though. I start this Thursday for training at the Vons service deli. Starting pay is 7.50$ and hour, 9.50$ on Sundays with an auto-raise after the first 9 weeks or something of 1.50$. It's good news, and if I can work 32 hours a week I get Work Experience from school, too. So I am starting to have my first income.. like, ever.
I'm sure there's some sort of support group or some kind of meeting in San Diego somewhere. But I just can't find anything. I'm struggling to cope with a lot of things but the root of a lot of those things is my frustration with being transgender, I'm either depressed and don't go to school or I'm upset and blow up at my mate or I'm suicidal. That whole suicide bit has really reared it's head a lot lately. I gave my knife to my mate as a promise I wouldn't, but I've been there a lot..
Anyways.. that's my ranting and first post I've done with how I've felt in a long long time..
-Samantha
