(no subject)

[awanderingsoul.livejournal.com]

Here are some snippets of things I've said tonight......I've been doing so much thinking....have myself soo worked up, confused and scared. The one thing I want more than anything in life is to find love....someone to love, and someone to love me in return. I find myself thinking that it's too hard....it must be easier for someone to love matt.....he's a likeable guy.....he's fun, emotional, creative, caring, etc....i'm so petrified that no one will ever be able to love lauren.....that it's too great of a risk.....that i'm giving up and losing too much.

-"who am i really baby......see...to me it doesn't matter....i'm just me....not sure what name to attach....i'm just me....a person....a loving, tender caring person....an artistic and creative person.....who expresses their soul, love and passion through instruments and kitchen knives......a soul longing to find it's mate.....to travel life with....to share with the joys and sorrows of that travel.......to show you the magic in my beloved music.....yet the same magic in a walk under the stars holding hands.....the magic cuddled up in bed, just holding each other, listening to each others hearts and breathing......strong enough to stand alone, but inviting each other into our lives"

-"i know that i'm worth more than i give myself credit for...i know that now...and i'm truely not THAT bad off.....you just see me when i'm falling apart and confused......i mean......i'm so emotional...that's just the way i am...it's what makes me, me.....it's what allows me to be my creative self that pushes me through my music and cooking and other things........perhaps i transcend gender boundaries....i'm just me.....and that can't be labled....maybe i'm trying to push myself into a form that has no answer.....perhaps...i'm just looking for acceptance and love........a free spirit and soul...longing to find it's match in life"

I sit here thinking.....who am i...what am i? am i saying these things because i am trying to justify who and what I am, because of how i feel for someone? someone who is wonderful, but (and i do understand why she can only love matt and not lauren)....but what i am sitting her dwelling on is.....am i trying to convince myself that i am really matt because of how i feel for her? or is it that i AM matt? or is it that I'm just doubting myself and letting fears take over and i truely am lauren?

I mean, WTF?!?! It's just so scarey and hard.

It doesn't help matters that my depression seems to be getting worse, although I fight it daily. I've conceaded that I do need to get help for that....especially if i wish to seek help for other matters after that.

I should know better than to write in here while talking to others online, i lose my train of thought too easily.

There was more I was going to write, but I'll stop for now.


sorry for cross-posting