Non-Femme MTFs
Oct. 4th, 2005 04:10 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
justanormalgirl.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transThis was an email I just sent to transkids.us, a proponent of the HSTS/AGP hypothesis (and likely faked). Now, I don't expect a real discussion from them (her?) but I might as well start a BBL flamewar here ^_^.
I was very effeminate as a child, gender became a major issue around age 10, I gave up on God fixing my body and researched transition, I came out as trans at 16. However, I also came out then as bisexual. My parents were less-than-receptive but I continued to be involved online and talking to my friends for the next three years before I got up the nerve and the money to start transitioning. I am currently almost 21 and I've been on HRT for 10 months and successfully back in school and doing quite well and passing just fine.
However, here is the rub: according to your classification scheme, I am AGP because I am still bisexual. When I came out as bisexual at 16, I didn't think I liked girls but wanted to make sure I established that at least (I didn't want to end up with a girl and have them go "whew, glad *that's* over").
But things changed, I found my niche -- queer girls. I dated several girls in high school, all of whom knew me as an effeminate bisexual boy and who were queer themselves. I ended up in a long-term-relationship with one (two years) and got engaged and planned a lesbian wedding. Things went south though and we broke up (probably unrelated to transition since she's now dating another trans girl).
So, I'm currently 6 months into a new relationship with a girl who is also trans. I am more butch than she is, but neither one of us is a total femme. When we're in public, people just see us as yet another lesbian couple.
Of course, lately boys have become more interested i me and it's likely that I'll become involved with one in the next year (we are polyamorous so it doesn't negate our relationship). I'm very excited about that but the fact remains that I still like girls.
However, I don't understand your definition that says that I don't, in fact, like either girls *or* boys, but I'm in love with a feminine representation of myself. Now that I'm passing and everything, I can finally explore my own masculinity. When I go to the school drag show as James Dean, nobody will think that I was born 'male'. I never felt like I owned my masculinity but now I can, I own it and it is my choice.
I'll probably get surgery because it's practical, I can change my legal documentation, not be outed by the presence of a certain organ, and find men more easily (it's easier to get over the idea of your girlfriend being post-op than being pre/non-op). I find it rather funny to look in the mirror when I'm naked but it doesn't really bother me. I don't claim to be expressing the "woman inside" or whatever, I changed my social role and I'm much happier that way.
Even though I'm not a heteronormative trans woman, I'm still a lot happier and a lot more comfortable in society this way. I have fun with my gender but at the end of the day I can still go around and be treated as a normal girl because that's what I see myself as -- a normal girl, with no silly bounds on her sexuality or gender expression just because she happens to have a penis between her legs.
Not everybody finds those boxes alluring. My mom spend a lot of energy on trying to make the family seem all perfect so that she is above reproach but I can tell that she's sad that she's subjugated her own desires for "normality" and to stop criticism. If I end up with a man (trans or not), and there's a good chance that I will, it will be because he is someone I love, not because I crave "normality".
There are as many reasons and variations on transition as there are transsexuals. Maybe late transitioners live different lives than we do but that doesn't mean that their feelings are different than mine. Many of them came out as teenagers too, but I think the average age of transition is falling rapidly and there are a ton of us under 25. The data needs to be updated to reflect actual lives of trans people and not just what someone said in 1970 so they could get hormones...
-- Tamara
I was very effeminate as a child, gender became a major issue around age 10, I gave up on God fixing my body and researched transition, I came out as trans at 16. However, I also came out then as bisexual. My parents were less-than-receptive but I continued to be involved online and talking to my friends for the next three years before I got up the nerve and the money to start transitioning. I am currently almost 21 and I've been on HRT for 10 months and successfully back in school and doing quite well and passing just fine.
However, here is the rub: according to your classification scheme, I am AGP because I am still bisexual. When I came out as bisexual at 16, I didn't think I liked girls but wanted to make sure I established that at least (I didn't want to end up with a girl and have them go "whew, glad *that's* over").
But things changed, I found my niche -- queer girls. I dated several girls in high school, all of whom knew me as an effeminate bisexual boy and who were queer themselves. I ended up in a long-term-relationship with one (two years) and got engaged and planned a lesbian wedding. Things went south though and we broke up (probably unrelated to transition since she's now dating another trans girl).
So, I'm currently 6 months into a new relationship with a girl who is also trans. I am more butch than she is, but neither one of us is a total femme. When we're in public, people just see us as yet another lesbian couple.
Of course, lately boys have become more interested i me and it's likely that I'll become involved with one in the next year (we are polyamorous so it doesn't negate our relationship). I'm very excited about that but the fact remains that I still like girls.
However, I don't understand your definition that says that I don't, in fact, like either girls *or* boys, but I'm in love with a feminine representation of myself. Now that I'm passing and everything, I can finally explore my own masculinity. When I go to the school drag show as James Dean, nobody will think that I was born 'male'. I never felt like I owned my masculinity but now I can, I own it and it is my choice.
I'll probably get surgery because it's practical, I can change my legal documentation, not be outed by the presence of a certain organ, and find men more easily (it's easier to get over the idea of your girlfriend being post-op than being pre/non-op). I find it rather funny to look in the mirror when I'm naked but it doesn't really bother me. I don't claim to be expressing the "woman inside" or whatever, I changed my social role and I'm much happier that way.
Even though I'm not a heteronormative trans woman, I'm still a lot happier and a lot more comfortable in society this way. I have fun with my gender but at the end of the day I can still go around and be treated as a normal girl because that's what I see myself as -- a normal girl, with no silly bounds on her sexuality or gender expression just because she happens to have a penis between her legs.
Not everybody finds those boxes alluring. My mom spend a lot of energy on trying to make the family seem all perfect so that she is above reproach but I can tell that she's sad that she's subjugated her own desires for "normality" and to stop criticism. If I end up with a man (trans or not), and there's a good chance that I will, it will be because he is someone I love, not because I crave "normality".
There are as many reasons and variations on transition as there are transsexuals. Maybe late transitioners live different lives than we do but that doesn't mean that their feelings are different than mine. Many of them came out as teenagers too, but I think the average age of transition is falling rapidly and there are a ton of us under 25. The data needs to be updated to reflect actual lives of trans people and not just what someone said in 1970 so they could get hormones...
-- Tamara