X-posted

[biofucked.livejournal.com]

General Rant, and then a lot of Gender Identity stuff.



Sometimes I feel like I am a horribly judgemental person. Like I should be more tolerant of other people and things they do. And then I wonder if I really should…

Should I change my belief system and maturity level in order to be tolerant of others?


Like. The slightest things can just annoy the fuck out of me. And then I end up bitter and making people feel bad, and I do not know how to change that about myself. I just. I don’t even know. Tiny things annoy me or make me go like, “Yeah buddy you’re cool” and then I’m bitter about it? Why should I be?

I am such a strongly opinionated, vocal type of person, that I often find myself intolerable of other people’s opinions or something. I don’t know if that’s it. But I think I’ve realized something about myself. If I talk to people, both online and in person, if I discover we have conflicting opinions, beliefs, etc., I turn my back and become cold. Or I just get bitter and think all like, ‘pft what are you on’? What happened to me? I’m always saying that I can say and think and express whatever the hell I want to, and then.. I’m intolerable of other people doing the same thing? How did I become this horrible, judgemental, mean person?

I think it’s the fact that I’m just so stressed right now. I have Diplomas this week. I have work. I have friends. I have shit to sort out with my father. And I don’t know.

I just get so annoyed be people these days. And by the smallest things too.

Like people using the ^.^ face in convos. Or any variation of it.
-.-;;
>.<
0.o
They just make me cringe and go all WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT. I hate them. And I find myself getting overly pissed off at them? Like wtf seriously?

Or like. I don’t even know. It’s everything. Everything gets to me these days and I don’t know how to be more accepting and open. Like seriously. I’m a transgendered seventeen year old gender queer gay boy and I’m intolerable of other people. What the hell.

Also. I am SO frustrated about my gender identity. I feel like a male. I am a male. I just. I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell to call myself. I stated up there that I’m transgendered gender queer and gay. But… that’s not how I truly feel. That’s just the closest describing words I can get. I feel male. I wish so badly I was born as a male. I know if I had all the male parts, I would be happy. But I always think “what if I don’t like it and it’s too late?”

I consider myself gay, because I consider myself a boy. I like boys. I like girls, but could never be romantically involved with one. I would much rather have the boy parts. But how amazing is the body of a woman? Look at all that I am capable of doing!

I am capable of carrying, nurturing, growing a human being within this body. I am capable of giving life to a human being, and have that human being have the very blood from my veins. I am capable of using this body to nourish that human being. I am capable of creating life with this body.

That is beyond this world amazing.

And sometimes. I want that.

And then I think… oh my god that is fucking way out of context for me.

I look in a mirror, and everything I see is so fucking wrong. I should not have this body. These soft features. This hourglass waistline. These hips that sway no matter how hard I try to mimic the gait of a man. These breasts that are never quite as flat no matter how much I cannot breath because of all these bindings. These small hands that will never come close to amounting to those of a man.

I know I would be so happy to be on testosterone. To get higher, chiselled cheekbones, and a jaw line. To have facial hair. Thicker body hair. To have my hips narrow out, and my waist fill in. To have my vocal chords thicken, and my voice drop. To have excruciating surgery and horrific, ugly scars on my chest. But my chest would be flat. To remove an entire section of my arm. But I would have a penis.

I know I would be so fucking happy to have a name change. To be able to mark “Male” on all paper work. I would be so fucking happy to have that. But what if when it all happens, I realize that “oh fuck, I don’t know how much I like this…”. THEN WHAT!? What am I supposed to do after that? Christ I hate this fucked up shit.

Why was I born like this? Why was it me? Why? What did I do to get this huge challenge? What was the reason this was thrown into my life?

I am so fucking bitter about feeling this way. I wish I could just be fucking happy being a female. I wish I could look in the mirror and not cringe. I wish I could hear my birth name called and enjoy the sound. But I cannot. I cannot handle that.

I don’t know who I am. I do not know who I am.

I know I am seventeen. I have a birth name, and a chosen name. I attend grade twelve. I live in Canada. I have a family.

But I do not know me.
And that is so terrifying.

I don’t know the term or name to describe what I feel.

Transgendered or GenderQueer is the best I can come up with. But I still don’t think those are right.

Will I be this way forever? Will I constantly feel in this limbo of identities? Will I ever know who I am and what I am supposed to do with my life? Will I ever have the ability of looking at myself in the mirror and smiling? Will I ever know what it is like to feel peace internally?

-Eastyn