Welcome to the roller coaster
Feb. 27th, 2006 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kengr posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transOn the evening of Feb 17th, I decided to do something.
(a bit rambly and with some boring background)
I'd been all stressed out about an ongoing tax mess, and had gotten good news that afternoon. It wasn't final, but it looked like all the money I'd been leaving uuntouched because of that might not be needed.
Besides relieving a lot of stress, this also meant that I might actually be able to do things like permanent hair removal. Which I'd been regretting not being able to do because of the forseen lack of funds)
So, with that as background, I realized that I only had a few things where I had to be male. Medical appointments (infrequent), trips to the accountant, and some bank stuff. And I decided I was going to be Brooke for at least thenm next week, except when one of those "have to" things came up.
I've done it, even though most of my time has been spent (as usual) at home, there were still trips to the store. And doing things like laundry at the aparment's laundry room.
I'm still nervous a lot of the time. And I know I'm putting off things a bit sometimes. But I'm doing it.
But I'm also getting to the point where I'm having to think about a few things coming up. And whether or not I "have" to be male for them. It's getting a lot more complicated than when I started.
And there's nothing really holding me to this, expect the feeling that I *need* to get to the point where I'm comfortable going out on my own for everyday stuff.
I still don't see myself ever getting SRS. Nor do I think I'd be able to justify "crossliving" all the time. Too much fight for too little gain.
So I'll probably always be legally male, and have to deal with all that follows from it. But maybe, just maybe, I can get to the point I've told people about before. Where I can just get up in the morning and dress the way I "feel" without having to go to any special effort whichever way I decide to go for the day.
But to get there, I have to get thru this. I have to learn to be as unremarkable as Brooke as I am as Leonard. Just a normal person, going about their business. And not someone trying to "act normal" nor someone afraid of being clocked.
It's not gonna be easy getting there. <sigh>
(a bit rambly and with some boring background)
I'd been all stressed out about an ongoing tax mess, and had gotten good news that afternoon. It wasn't final, but it looked like all the money I'd been leaving uuntouched because of that might not be needed.
Besides relieving a lot of stress, this also meant that I might actually be able to do things like permanent hair removal. Which I'd been regretting not being able to do because of the forseen lack of funds)
So, with that as background, I realized that I only had a few things where I had to be male. Medical appointments (infrequent), trips to the accountant, and some bank stuff. And I decided I was going to be Brooke for at least thenm next week, except when one of those "have to" things came up.
I've done it, even though most of my time has been spent (as usual) at home, there were still trips to the store. And doing things like laundry at the aparment's laundry room.
I'm still nervous a lot of the time. And I know I'm putting off things a bit sometimes. But I'm doing it.
But I'm also getting to the point where I'm having to think about a few things coming up. And whether or not I "have" to be male for them. It's getting a lot more complicated than when I started.
And there's nothing really holding me to this, expect the feeling that I *need* to get to the point where I'm comfortable going out on my own for everyday stuff.
I still don't see myself ever getting SRS. Nor do I think I'd be able to justify "crossliving" all the time. Too much fight for too little gain.
So I'll probably always be legally male, and have to deal with all that follows from it. But maybe, just maybe, I can get to the point I've told people about before. Where I can just get up in the morning and dress the way I "feel" without having to go to any special effort whichever way I decide to go for the day.
But to get there, I have to get thru this. I have to learn to be as unremarkable as Brooke as I am as Leonard. Just a normal person, going about their business. And not someone trying to "act normal" nor someone afraid of being clocked.
It's not gonna be easy getting there. <sigh>