An introduction...
Jun. 2nd, 2006 03:12 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
hourglassfull.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transHello. This is my first post in this community. It's really long, so I put it behind a cut. (It's also cross-posted from a friends-locked entry on my journal.) TMI warnings, and such...
Boobs. I love them. They're cuddly, soft and fun- as long as they're on someone else.
You see, I have outrageously large breasts (42 G). I have a love-hate relationship with my ginormous knockers- mostly hate, these days. They have caused me a myriad of problems over the years. I developed freakishly early; by the time I was 8 years old I was a C-cup. I was ostracized by the girls and feared by the boys. (You'd think it would have gotten better as I got older and other people around me matured, but it didn't.) As I got more comfortable with my body and wasn't afraid to walk around without slouching anymore, I started flaunting them, and I still do. I figure, "Hey I've got them, I might as well have some fun." I like to take pictures of them and send them as a tease to online lovers. I like to show off how I can suck my own nipples. Whee! Yeah, great. Or it would be, if I could just take them off when I'm not "using" them. Truthfully, the only time I really like my breasts is when I'm flat on my back and someone else is enjoying them. Otherwise, they are a burden both physically and psychologically. I feel detached from them, like they're just useless lumps of flesh hanging there, pointlessly, never to be used for their primary intended purpose of feeding children.
On the physical, more mundane end of things, I can't find clothes that fit me and look good. Even the "plus size" stores hardly have anything on the rack for a rack as big as mine. Things either look too tight (and slutty) or too loose (and circus tent-like). My breasts also contribute to chronic back problems, and their weight aggravates my fibromyalgia (I was diagnosed with FMS at 14). They're very lumpy and dense, which makes breast exams difficult; if I ever developed a tumor it'd be nearly impossible to detect manually. Oh, and then there's the acne, especially in the summer, with the heat rash, and the sweat. Gross!! Psychologically... well, I think I'm only beginning to realize the problems they've caused. I would like nothing more than to get them hacked off, or at least radically reduced in size. So, what has this got to do with transitioning? I'm getting to that.
It's no secret that I'm bisexual. When I say that, what I mean is that I simply don't have a preference as to the type of body my lovers come with. I also think that deep down, I mean that I am truly bi sexual, having characteristics of both sexes, at least mentally. Outwardly, my body is painfully feminine, but I don't think I ever have been, or ever will be, "just a girl". Don't get me wrong- I like being femme sometimes, in some aspects. I like my long hair, I don't like my facial hair (yes, I shave my mustache and beard a couple times a week), and I can appreciate a great dress. But my "normal" mode isn't feminine. The girl stuff is like a fun costume I put on when I feel like it, to go out just "feel pretty" on a special occasion. I never have, and couldn't ever, do it full-time. It's a burden to have to dress "like a girl" for work. It's just more comfortable and easier to dress "like a boy". I don't have to accessorize, wear uncomfortable shoes, or put on makeup, and nobody thinks I'm "letting myself go" if I don't do those things. It even seems more socially acceptable for males to be overweight.
Here are some other factors to consider. I've had vivid dreams of having a penis for as long as I can remember, and I can't "get off" without imagining I have one. I even had "wet dreams" as a kid, before I had any idea what they were, and that's really atypical for females. In addition, I had a weird "voice change" phenomenon when I was eleven or so, when my voice suddenly got much deeper. I've always been a tomboy, and I've always felt more comfortable in the company of males than in the company of other girls. I've never felt comfortable dressing, acting, or presenting myself as extremely feminine. If I'm honest with myself, though, I don't really want to be "a man". I just want to be me. I want my body to match who I am, even if that person doesn't fit into a prescribed gender role.
I have concluded, therefore, that I do identify as transsexual. Even though I don't think I'd ever transition fully to a male, the feelings of dysphoria pertaining to my gender are very strong. I don't think I'd ever take testosterone, and unless they could really give me a working penis that does everyting a genetic male's penis does, I'm not interested in the "lower" surgery. However, a radical breast reduction would, for me, constitute an enormous change in my self-image, potentially opening up a whole new set of doors and allowing me to present myself to the world more "accurately" in terms of who I am on the inside. I will definitely change how I dress and act, because, joy of joys, when I'm rid of my imposing mammaries I'll be able to wear clothes- men's and womens' clothes- that I never could before. After the surgery, I will likely change my name to something simple and unisex to reflect this newfound gender flexibility. (Morgan sounds good, I've always liked that name).
I'm sure there are those who'd tell me I'm just saying all these things because I happen to be in love with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gentle_gamer, and I'm trying to understand her better. I can't deny that I might not have entertained the thought of transition if I hadn't met her. I'm not going to sit here and say that this revelation has come to me all by itself, out of the blue, with no influence from her or my other trans friends (I actually have quite a few.) It's a new avenue of thought, though, and it's one I intend to explore fully instead of dismissing. I've been saying for years I wanted a breast reduction, so that's nothing new. The difference is that I used to think of the resulting potential for androgyny as a "happy side effect if I ever get the surgery"- and now I'm starting to think of it more and more as a goal.
Mind you, this is all just speculation right now. None of it will happen until I get some kind of health insurance, and even then I'm sure there will be hurdles, so it's a long, long way off. Which is fine, because I have a lot to think about...
Boobs. I love them. They're cuddly, soft and fun- as long as they're on someone else.
You see, I have outrageously large breasts (42 G). I have a love-hate relationship with my ginormous knockers- mostly hate, these days. They have caused me a myriad of problems over the years. I developed freakishly early; by the time I was 8 years old I was a C-cup. I was ostracized by the girls and feared by the boys. (You'd think it would have gotten better as I got older and other people around me matured, but it didn't.) As I got more comfortable with my body and wasn't afraid to walk around without slouching anymore, I started flaunting them, and I still do. I figure, "Hey I've got them, I might as well have some fun." I like to take pictures of them and send them as a tease to online lovers. I like to show off how I can suck my own nipples. Whee! Yeah, great. Or it would be, if I could just take them off when I'm not "using" them. Truthfully, the only time I really like my breasts is when I'm flat on my back and someone else is enjoying them. Otherwise, they are a burden both physically and psychologically. I feel detached from them, like they're just useless lumps of flesh hanging there, pointlessly, never to be used for their primary intended purpose of feeding children.
On the physical, more mundane end of things, I can't find clothes that fit me and look good. Even the "plus size" stores hardly have anything on the rack for a rack as big as mine. Things either look too tight (and slutty) or too loose (and circus tent-like). My breasts also contribute to chronic back problems, and their weight aggravates my fibromyalgia (I was diagnosed with FMS at 14). They're very lumpy and dense, which makes breast exams difficult; if I ever developed a tumor it'd be nearly impossible to detect manually. Oh, and then there's the acne, especially in the summer, with the heat rash, and the sweat. Gross!! Psychologically... well, I think I'm only beginning to realize the problems they've caused. I would like nothing more than to get them hacked off, or at least radically reduced in size. So, what has this got to do with transitioning? I'm getting to that.
It's no secret that I'm bisexual. When I say that, what I mean is that I simply don't have a preference as to the type of body my lovers come with. I also think that deep down, I mean that I am truly bi sexual, having characteristics of both sexes, at least mentally. Outwardly, my body is painfully feminine, but I don't think I ever have been, or ever will be, "just a girl". Don't get me wrong- I like being femme sometimes, in some aspects. I like my long hair, I don't like my facial hair (yes, I shave my mustache and beard a couple times a week), and I can appreciate a great dress. But my "normal" mode isn't feminine. The girl stuff is like a fun costume I put on when I feel like it, to go out just "feel pretty" on a special occasion. I never have, and couldn't ever, do it full-time. It's a burden to have to dress "like a girl" for work. It's just more comfortable and easier to dress "like a boy". I don't have to accessorize, wear uncomfortable shoes, or put on makeup, and nobody thinks I'm "letting myself go" if I don't do those things. It even seems more socially acceptable for males to be overweight.
Here are some other factors to consider. I've had vivid dreams of having a penis for as long as I can remember, and I can't "get off" without imagining I have one. I even had "wet dreams" as a kid, before I had any idea what they were, and that's really atypical for females. In addition, I had a weird "voice change" phenomenon when I was eleven or so, when my voice suddenly got much deeper. I've always been a tomboy, and I've always felt more comfortable in the company of males than in the company of other girls. I've never felt comfortable dressing, acting, or presenting myself as extremely feminine. If I'm honest with myself, though, I don't really want to be "a man". I just want to be me. I want my body to match who I am, even if that person doesn't fit into a prescribed gender role.
I have concluded, therefore, that I do identify as transsexual. Even though I don't think I'd ever transition fully to a male, the feelings of dysphoria pertaining to my gender are very strong. I don't think I'd ever take testosterone, and unless they could really give me a working penis that does everyting a genetic male's penis does, I'm not interested in the "lower" surgery. However, a radical breast reduction would, for me, constitute an enormous change in my self-image, potentially opening up a whole new set of doors and allowing me to present myself to the world more "accurately" in terms of who I am on the inside. I will definitely change how I dress and act, because, joy of joys, when I'm rid of my imposing mammaries I'll be able to wear clothes- men's and womens' clothes- that I never could before. After the surgery, I will likely change my name to something simple and unisex to reflect this newfound gender flexibility. (Morgan sounds good, I've always liked that name).
I'm sure there are those who'd tell me I'm just saying all these things because I happen to be in love with
gentle_gamer, and I'm trying to understand her better. I can't deny that I might not have entertained the thought of transition if I hadn't met her. I'm not going to sit here and say that this revelation has come to me all by itself, out of the blue, with no influence from her or my other trans friends (I actually have quite a few.) It's a new avenue of thought, though, and it's one I intend to explore fully instead of dismissing. I've been saying for years I wanted a breast reduction, so that's nothing new. The difference is that I used to think of the resulting potential for androgyny as a "happy side effect if I ever get the surgery"- and now I'm starting to think of it more and more as a goal.Mind you, this is all just speculation right now. None of it will happen until I get some kind of health insurance, and even then I'm sure there will be hurdles, so it's a long, long way off. Which is fine, because I have a lot to think about...
