Trans-Shame
Jun. 14th, 2006 04:02 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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transA subject that seems to be on several people’s minds lately, including mine, is “trans-shame”. It’s that simple little feeling that seems so pervasive among transwomen. It’s what drives many to go through transition and then sever all ties with their male past; friends, associates, often enough family and all. It is part of what drives transwomen (and maybe even transmen; although I’m not sure about that) to attempt to achieve that level of super deep stealth. You know, the defcon 5 of stealth, I hate to say that in part due to these feelings I’ve even thought about attempting this myself.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I will examine and try to explain my evolving feelings about this issue, and describe some of my experiences as well as those of at least one other person I know who also happens to be trans.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I will examine and try to explain my evolving feelings about this issue, and describe some of my experiences as well as those of at least one other person I know who also happens to be trans.
I mention that it’s part of my reason for considering deep, deep stealth because there are other factors that go along with this feeling that exacerbate it in the same way taking barbiturates and drinking alcohol multiply each others effect on the body.
First off and most obvious is the fact that “I just don’t like being a guy.” (No transperson likes their natal gender/sex; it’s why we transition). I’ve never felt like I was one in the first place and there has been a load of angst that has gone along with being one. Maybe I’m just a masochist or an emotional camel that wandered far too long in that desert of dysphoria. I do know for me I kind of resigned myself to this male reality when I was 12 and it has since just worn me down to a nub in many ways both emotionally and psychologically for around 26 years. I loath this existence and have destroyed a great deal of the photographic evidence that has been in my possession and some of my family’s as well. Now I don’t hate all my experiences, or the friends I’ve made, places I’ve gone, relationships I’ve had, etc... I’ve actually had a good bit of fun in this life and achieved and accomplished quite a few things both positive and not so positive. But, the dysphoria has always been there, and I don’t much like being reminded of it.
Secondly there is the reality that does exist out in the rest of society; not all of it, but a lot of it. That is the way they view us, the “you’re not a real woman” attitude. It was pretty common in 2nd wave feminist thinking or at least a branch of it. It’s the attitude that has excluded us from places like the MWMF and has caused the development of Camp Trans. It’s also what makes some men have a hard time with our pasts when they’re dealing with us in an intimate relationship; although that’s more of an internalized homophobia I think. I can see how any transperson would want to avoid exposing themselves to this kind of prejudice or any of the more direct and sometimes violent aspects of Transphobia. I work on the edge of “boys-town” in a major metropolitan city and although people tend to be decent when dealing with the transpeople that come into my work, they are just as quick to make cracks after the transperson has walked out the door. I open my mouth constantly, calling my coworkers and occasionally clients on their shit, and for the most part, when I’m at work no one really makes these wisecracks around me. But, it has definitely colored the way I look at these people I work with and most folks in general.
There is prejudice everywhere even within our own community, between our own members, and as an acquaintance of mine said recently it’s even sometimes aimed by ourselves back at ourselves. She noticed this especially when dealing with transwomen who may not pass that well, they tend to look away when dealing with her or walking past her, because she looks so incredibly great that even someone with incredible t-dar would never even get the slightest ping from her.
I have no intention of living the “out and proud” life, sorry folks I just don’t want to bring that much attention to myself. I have a career in which that kind of attention would probably cause more harm than good. I’m saving my pennies for FFS and taking the time to let HRT do its thing on my body. I’m getting lasered like mad and am then going on to electro when the laser stops being of use. I’m for the most part transitioning in stealth, partly for the sake of protecting my employment (this is not a cheap thing to do as we all know, so I have to make the bucks.) partly for the sake of avoiding the societal prejudices that I mentioned above. In the end I’d like to slide from one gender to the next as peacefully as possible. I also don’t plan on denying who I am or where I’ve been; but it’s my medical history and that’s just not publicly advertised information; not as far as I’m concerned.
I’ll probably still call people on their shit until the day I die; I’m just that way. I have always had a thing for civil rights and their defense. Do I have to advertise my own history in order to defend others and my own rights? I don’t think so.
First off and most obvious is the fact that “I just don’t like being a guy.” (No transperson likes their natal gender/sex; it’s why we transition). I’ve never felt like I was one in the first place and there has been a load of angst that has gone along with being one. Maybe I’m just a masochist or an emotional camel that wandered far too long in that desert of dysphoria. I do know for me I kind of resigned myself to this male reality when I was 12 and it has since just worn me down to a nub in many ways both emotionally and psychologically for around 26 years. I loath this existence and have destroyed a great deal of the photographic evidence that has been in my possession and some of my family’s as well. Now I don’t hate all my experiences, or the friends I’ve made, places I’ve gone, relationships I’ve had, etc... I’ve actually had a good bit of fun in this life and achieved and accomplished quite a few things both positive and not so positive. But, the dysphoria has always been there, and I don’t much like being reminded of it.
Secondly there is the reality that does exist out in the rest of society; not all of it, but a lot of it. That is the way they view us, the “you’re not a real woman” attitude. It was pretty common in 2nd wave feminist thinking or at least a branch of it. It’s the attitude that has excluded us from places like the MWMF and has caused the development of Camp Trans. It’s also what makes some men have a hard time with our pasts when they’re dealing with us in an intimate relationship; although that’s more of an internalized homophobia I think. I can see how any transperson would want to avoid exposing themselves to this kind of prejudice or any of the more direct and sometimes violent aspects of Transphobia. I work on the edge of “boys-town” in a major metropolitan city and although people tend to be decent when dealing with the transpeople that come into my work, they are just as quick to make cracks after the transperson has walked out the door. I open my mouth constantly, calling my coworkers and occasionally clients on their shit, and for the most part, when I’m at work no one really makes these wisecracks around me. But, it has definitely colored the way I look at these people I work with and most folks in general.
There is prejudice everywhere even within our own community, between our own members, and as an acquaintance of mine said recently it’s even sometimes aimed by ourselves back at ourselves. She noticed this especially when dealing with transwomen who may not pass that well, they tend to look away when dealing with her or walking past her, because she looks so incredibly great that even someone with incredible t-dar would never even get the slightest ping from her.
I have no intention of living the “out and proud” life, sorry folks I just don’t want to bring that much attention to myself. I have a career in which that kind of attention would probably cause more harm than good. I’m saving my pennies for FFS and taking the time to let HRT do its thing on my body. I’m getting lasered like mad and am then going on to electro when the laser stops being of use. I’m for the most part transitioning in stealth, partly for the sake of protecting my employment (this is not a cheap thing to do as we all know, so I have to make the bucks.) partly for the sake of avoiding the societal prejudices that I mentioned above. In the end I’d like to slide from one gender to the next as peacefully as possible. I also don’t plan on denying who I am or where I’ve been; but it’s my medical history and that’s just not publicly advertised information; not as far as I’m concerned.
I’ll probably still call people on their shit until the day I die; I’m just that way. I have always had a thing for civil rights and their defense. Do I have to advertise my own history in order to defend others and my own rights? I don’t think so.
