Where to begin?
Jul. 10th, 2006 12:44 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
gazoinkafinx.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transThis may not be the right place for me, but I have to start somewhere. Hopefully, I can obtain some good feedback here which will help me sort through what's been going on in my life as of late.
The backstory? I'm 39, out as a lesbian since 17. My partner and I have been together 8 years and had a VT civil union in 2002. I've been through various stages since coming out, starting as an in-your-face raging dyke at 17, gradually passing through tomboy butch, bar rat, political activist, average working stiff along the way. While I was political, I don't think I could ever be defined as feminist, at least not in the separatist sense. I have had many friends who were, but I didn't see men or patriarchy the way they did. We had different world views, and that was that. By the time I hit my late 20s, I saw my sexual orientation as part of who I am, not the whole of me. For the last decade, I've just trundled along, doing my thing, not the least in-your-face or activist or anything. Just, y'know, a yuppie suburban lesbian. At no time since I came out have I at all questioned my sexuality: I'm definitely a woman's woman. Or so I have believed.
I have had male friends, straight and gay, in my life through all it permutations. Before I came out, I dated some guys and fooled around with others. The sex was never about them, it was always a means to an end (using them to get something I wanted, for example) and I never cared much about their feelings, their pleasure and really didn't know what I was doing, nor did I care to know. It seemed like I never related to men on any emotional level beyond that of good buddy. I love my male friends, but not that way, to use a hackneyed phrase. It seems ridiculous, the idea that I could be attracted to - or even attractive to - a man.
This past spring, I met a fellow with whom I had an almost immediate connection. Lots in common in terms of background, history, mindset, worldview, interests, all of it. After just hours with him, he felt kindred to me. He kidded me about the connection, but didn't make any salacious jokes or rude suggestions. He took me for me, and I took him for him, but he got to me. It was something of a shock to discover that I had a deep attraction to him and the more time I spent with him, the more attracted I became - mentally, emotionally, physically, all of it. I had had sex with men, but I had never made love with one and I wanted to make love with Jack.
Long story short, I've been having an affair with Jack for a few months now. We've both gone to great lengths to be blase about it, "no obligations, no expectations" is our motto, but I fell in love with him anyway. And as I have struggled with that realization and acceptance, it became harder to be so nonchalant. I found myself behaving like a snotty teen girl with him, something I have never done with anyone in my life. Eventually, I tell him as much as I will admit out loud to him or anyone else: he matters to me. I care about him. And he says...there's something you should know.
Jack, huge, muscular, masculine, macho, mustachioed Jack, self-identifies as transgender. Jack sees himself as a woman trapped in a man's body. The revelation blew me away.
I didn't have a frame of reference for my desire for him in the first place, and I really don't have a frame of reference for this reality either. Yeah, one could moralize a lot about my infidelity - and believe me, I've been doing a lot of that too - but the thing that is really kicking my ass is that I am attracted to everything he rejects and regrets about himself, at least in the physical sense. Although I was rocked for a few days after his news, upon reflection I knew it changed nothing of how I feel about him. Nor, interestingly, has it changed my passion for him. I'm trying to figure this out.
Basically, I'd like to hear back from anyone who has had a similar experience. Any context would help me find my bearings: right now, I cannot quite discern the horizon between sea and sky and could use some point of reference. I'd appreciate feedback.
The backstory? I'm 39, out as a lesbian since 17. My partner and I have been together 8 years and had a VT civil union in 2002. I've been through various stages since coming out, starting as an in-your-face raging dyke at 17, gradually passing through tomboy butch, bar rat, political activist, average working stiff along the way. While I was political, I don't think I could ever be defined as feminist, at least not in the separatist sense. I have had many friends who were, but I didn't see men or patriarchy the way they did. We had different world views, and that was that. By the time I hit my late 20s, I saw my sexual orientation as part of who I am, not the whole of me. For the last decade, I've just trundled along, doing my thing, not the least in-your-face or activist or anything. Just, y'know, a yuppie suburban lesbian. At no time since I came out have I at all questioned my sexuality: I'm definitely a woman's woman. Or so I have believed.
I have had male friends, straight and gay, in my life through all it permutations. Before I came out, I dated some guys and fooled around with others. The sex was never about them, it was always a means to an end (using them to get something I wanted, for example) and I never cared much about their feelings, their pleasure and really didn't know what I was doing, nor did I care to know. It seemed like I never related to men on any emotional level beyond that of good buddy. I love my male friends, but not that way, to use a hackneyed phrase. It seems ridiculous, the idea that I could be attracted to - or even attractive to - a man.
This past spring, I met a fellow with whom I had an almost immediate connection. Lots in common in terms of background, history, mindset, worldview, interests, all of it. After just hours with him, he felt kindred to me. He kidded me about the connection, but didn't make any salacious jokes or rude suggestions. He took me for me, and I took him for him, but he got to me. It was something of a shock to discover that I had a deep attraction to him and the more time I spent with him, the more attracted I became - mentally, emotionally, physically, all of it. I had had sex with men, but I had never made love with one and I wanted to make love with Jack.
Long story short, I've been having an affair with Jack for a few months now. We've both gone to great lengths to be blase about it, "no obligations, no expectations" is our motto, but I fell in love with him anyway. And as I have struggled with that realization and acceptance, it became harder to be so nonchalant. I found myself behaving like a snotty teen girl with him, something I have never done with anyone in my life. Eventually, I tell him as much as I will admit out loud to him or anyone else: he matters to me. I care about him. And he says...there's something you should know.
Jack, huge, muscular, masculine, macho, mustachioed Jack, self-identifies as transgender. Jack sees himself as a woman trapped in a man's body. The revelation blew me away.
I didn't have a frame of reference for my desire for him in the first place, and I really don't have a frame of reference for this reality either. Yeah, one could moralize a lot about my infidelity - and believe me, I've been doing a lot of that too - but the thing that is really kicking my ass is that I am attracted to everything he rejects and regrets about himself, at least in the physical sense. Although I was rocked for a few days after his news, upon reflection I knew it changed nothing of how I feel about him. Nor, interestingly, has it changed my passion for him. I'm trying to figure this out.
Basically, I'd like to hear back from anyone who has had a similar experience. Any context would help me find my bearings: right now, I cannot quite discern the horizon between sea and sky and could use some point of reference. I'd appreciate feedback.