I'm... Complicated

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

Every time I end up in some kind of social gathering with strangers, I feel thrust into the field of their judgement.

I have no idea how well I was passing this weekend at the party, or in the shops the day after for that matter. To be honest I sort of amble along under the assumption that I'm not passing and prep myself for any questions which arise, allowing myself to feel pleasantly surprised if they don't.

Simultaneously however I wonder if subconsciously, feeling like I don't pass is making me put less effort into my mannerisms and vocal work, almost like I'm starting to slip into subliminally feeling like it's not worth trying. It's no secret that the frumpier I feel the frumpier I act.

It is for this reason that I'm putting my foot down in the realm of dieting again.

All weekend I ate pizza, chocolate and crisps all day like a slob and by Monday I felt rotten. I never used to feel this bad before.

Additionally as I'm having my first laser appointment tonight It seemed a good time to initiate change in my life... or rather to reverse some of the changes which I didn't want.

Specifically I'm talking about the fact that I was losing weight, getting healthy and looking pretty a year and a half ago. Since then I have gotten complacent, put more weight on than I initially lost and no longer fit in any of my best clothes from back then.

I've stopped cycling and... perhaps most embarassingly of all (baring my soul time) I have brushed my teeth roughly once a month on average throughout the past year. That is NOT good.

I've started biting my fingernails again (when I used to have such lovely nails) which I attribute to the stress I experience in trying to get away from my old job.

I need to stabilise myself for the coming apocalypse. I don't know how long it's going to be but when I get my reply from Porterbrook I suspect things will start moving a lot faster. I'm already under a lot of pressure to go fulltime. Not from other people, but on a personal level, I feel like I want to get started and until I do I'm just wasting time.

Right now however I can surpress that for the family cause (the family cause, as far as I can tell, is keeping me quiet so as not to redirect any inheritances away from us) because I don't feel legally safe about going fulltime without at least a doctor's support in the matter.

When I get through to Porterbrook, I'll not only have a doctors support but also quite a lot of pressure to go fulltime and prove myself to the psychiatrists of the clinic.

I'm fairly sure if I tell them my family opposes it they'll remind me that I will, in the future, face far greater stumbling blocks than my family and if I can't get past this it's hardly worth me starting transition at all...

So yeah, when the armageddon hits that's going to be interesting, and there's a point in the future past which I have no idea where I will end up, or who will still be around after the storm has passed.

I've already had issues about this with some friends who were initially supportive.

Josie has been wonderful in this respect as when Andy said something which I found quite offensive and got rather upset by, she told me that in that circumstance I should be very hard on him because he might not get WHY I've been offended in some cases. Indeed some of the things which we used to joke about I'd now be rather annoyed at because they're not really jokes in the current context.

Similarly timed, however I was talking to Krysia about having not being invited to a party (turns out I was kept away incase I got my stompy roleplayer hackles up around a very annoying player in the murder mystery) to which she offered the suggestion that perhaps I wasn't invited "Because you're a 'Boy'"

The first time she said it I thought it was an astute observation on her part about the possible attitudes of those involved. But I was fairly sure that it wasn't the case on account that Josie Cathy and Anna, three of the people there, and the ones who would have invited me had I been invited, are possibly my three greatest supporters, with two of them (at least) actually unable to function around me in guy mode because it's too off putting.

Krysia then went on to refer to this again and I told her that, even if she puts quotes around it, I still found it rather insulting. Like if someone had issues about their weight and their friends say "Well they probably just think you're 'fat'".

Just because it's in 'quotes' and represents someone elses words, they're still not very nice words to have to read.

When I tried to explain this she told me to piss off and blocked me on MSN.

I don't think I'm invited to their housewarming party anymore.

Speaking of my laser (as I was an hour ago :P), I told my mother this morning that I'd be late back and in an out of character move by myself, I told her why I'd be late back.

I was astonished that she not only didn't mind but was also vaguely supportive and thought I had made an astute choice in my buying now while there's a special offer on at sk:n.

I'm looking forward to seeing how effective this is because I get the impression that the answer will be "Very".



Additionally, in total non-sequiter, I have had many people tell me I should look into a career in journalism lately, and I wondered if anyone reading this might know the best path into becoming a freelance columnist in print?