Thinking of Changing Therapists

[divergently.livejournal.com]

So I thought my therapist was pretty good after my first couple of sessions because I've never really had therapy before and didn't know what was going on. Now the more I talk to her, the more I'm picking up on things that drive me crazy about her. I have a "phobia" if you will with doctors/therapists/etc because I know they don't actually care about you but only care about the money. So I rarely (and I mean very rarely) actually see a doctor or whatever so maybe it's just this phobia.


So I started seeing her on July 5th. I've seen her every week since except for 2 weeks she was out of town. And each week has gone more and more downhill. At first she seemed really interested and actually listened. When I'd struggle with thinking of what to talk about, she'd mention something that would get me talking again. She really impressed me and made me feel slightly comfortable talking about my life to a complete stranger for the first time in my life. However I still had this wierd feeling that I shouldn't trust her (again maybe the phobia) So I didn't tell her everything, just things I felt ok talking about.

So after the first month of therapy things started to get to me. We discussed the letter and when it would be ok for her to write it. My doctor is just waiting for it to get me started on HRT and I was anxious to find out. She had no idea what the letter was which baffled me. At first she thought I meant the letter for SRS and I had to explain to her about getting a letter for HRT. She was just dumbfounded. Apparently she lied to me when she said she had many patients who were transgendered. From what she's told me she's only saw 1 transwoman who was already living full time trying to get the 2nd letter for surgery. So I had to explain to her about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care (to which she knew nothing of, the man or the document) and told her how after 3 months of therapy a letter could be written to get hormones. We were talking about switching to sessions twice a month instead of 4 a month because of money problems I'm having and her response was "Well it's going to take you twice as long to get that letter then... Because 3 months is 12 sessions so it'll just take you 6 months and since we missed 2 sessions there's another month" *sighs*

Things got worst 3 weeks ago though when my insurance wouldn't pay the full $80 for her hour session. They will only pay $60 so she ended up owing me 3 free sessions to make up for overcharging. So the past 3 sessions have been highly annoying. She's actually sat there and read newsletters and other paperwork while I was talking looking up occasionally with a dumb look on her face asking me to repeat things. I will tell her "So my friend Britt and I hung out yesterday" and she says "Huh? Oh.. So how is Bridget" and I have to correct her with a name I just said 2 seconds ago. This happens all the time. She NEVER writes anything down. So she always asks me the same questions and gets my family members confused. I have to tell her every session where I live because she always talks bout traffic going across the bridge.

So today was the worst though. She was reading through the Standards of Care for the first 20 minutes of the session ignoring everything I had to talk about so I just sat there silent while she read. She was going over stuff with me and I was just laughing because I had read that document enough to know what's on it. She started quizzing me on the side effects of taking estrogen the whole time saying "Wow I didn't know that" Then she got to the section where it said 3 months of therapy for the letter and very immaturely said "Ah HAH! It says at LEAST 3 months of therapy at the professional's discresion. That's ME! I'm the professional! So I will decide when it's time to write the letter" She said it almost mockingly like "Hah hah I have your letter what are you gonna do about it neener neener"

I still don't tell her everything. There's a LOT of things I refuse to bring up because I don't like her and the vibe I get tells me not to share with her about my OCD tendencies and my Schizo tendencies and how I strongly feel the presence of 2 personalities in me. I tried bringing it up at my last session and she seemed highly uninterested and didn't even ask about it this session. She hasn't once given me a "homework assignment" which I thought all therapists did :-/ I don't even know why I'm going to therapy because none of this is helping me figure anything out. Sure I feel a little better after getting it off my chest but if she's not going to listen, what's the point of paying... I could easily talk to my ceiling fan for free and at least get some wind back *sighs*

It just seems to me that since she found out she wasn't getting her full fee, she stopped pretending to care. Since these last 3 sessions have been "free" I've been getting her crappy free service. So I really don't know what to do. I didn't schedule my usual Thursday appointment and told her I'd call her when I figured out what was going on next week. I really would rather not go back :(

I have a support group meeting Saturday so I guess I can ask them what they think. Apparently there's another therapist who is THE therapist to go to about gender issues but I didn't know that till after picking my current therapist. So I'm wondering if I want to switch to her, what happens? Do I lose the 2 months I put in with my current therapist and start over at month 1? Do I need to get another authorization code from my insurance company? What do I tell my current therapist? I can't lie to people and I don't like hurting people's feelings... Should I even switch or just deal? I really don't know what to do and could really use a bit of advice. I really don't care about the letter at this point because the last 2 sessions pissed me off so much I ordered 2 months of supplies from inhouse. Spiro came in last week and the rest should be coming in tomorrow *shrug* It still would be nice to get things done legally though and maybe get insurance to cover for it :-/

Well thanks for reading this book. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense. I'm still infuriated from today's session and I had a total of 5 hours of sleep over the past 48 hours so yea. Sleep deprivation and anger don't mix well :(