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Oct. 15th, 2006 11:51 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
moonspark.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transHey y'all, I'm DJ... 18 years old, if that counts for anything.
Basically, I'm thinking of transitioning to male. But I do have doubts, which I suppose is natural.
I'm seeing a good therapist at the Mazzoni Center in Philly, but I figured I'd hash out some of my thoughts here and see what y'all think.
I came out to myself in June of this year when I realized that I was inordinately upset about my graduation gown. (Females wore white; males wore red.) That sort of triggered a realization that had been lurking underneath everything. "Hey, DJ, why are you so upset? Maybe there's something deeper there."
So... first of all, I'm blessed with a pretty androgynous body. Sports bra and a baggy t-shirt are all I really need to conceal the chest, and I'm sure that it would be completely flat if I got a binder. (I ordered one, but it's not here yet.) Even "aunt flo" isn't too bad because I recently lost weight. (OK, so "recently" means "two years ago". But it was a huge weight loss.) I just use a light pad for five days a month, and that's it. Speaking of losing weight, my hips are there, but I can hide them. And since I've cut my hair in a man's short cut, I think I'm passing pretty well.
Still... I don't feel entirely comfortable with my body. A lot of times, I feel like I'm too skinny and not nearly muscular enough. But, even though I go to the gym quite often, I just can't seem to get much visible muscle. I don't overly hate my body, but I dislike looking in the mirror when I'm not dressed. And, when I looked up the effects of T... I went, "Oh, that looks GREAT. I would love that."
As for the social aspect of it all, I've never felt comfortable with makeup/skirts/etc. But it's much more than that. I don't like the "rules" governing female behavior. I don't identify with a lot of women in terms of likes/dislikes. (For example, I have never liked chick flicks.) I do identify more with guys, and... I'm not a truck driver sort of guy, but I can name a bunch of cis male friends who I'm more masculine than.
Whenever I have to present as female -- even as a masculine woman, with a tailored suit or something -- I feel crushed. But when I put on male clothes and present as male, I feel awesome. I mean... I never cared about clothing, period, until I started shopping in the men's department a couple of months ago. Now I love clothing, and... for instance, I can imagine myself looking awesome in a gray tux/silk red collared shirt/shiny white tie for Christmas.
As for the name, I'm DJ -- been going by it ever since I was two years old. My birth name is really feminine, though, which causes problems at airports and such... What do y'all think of David Joshua? It's really biblical, but so is my birth name. (D******="Gift of God"; J***="Grace of God") And my favorite uncle is named David the third after his father.
Um. Yeah, so I sound more sure in this post than I really am. I mean, if I lived in a cave, I would start taking T tomorrow and get chest surgery. But the fact is, I don't live in a cave. I live in a women's college. (Yeah, that's a problem. I might transfer.) And my mom is completely transphobic -- when she saw "Transamerica", she kept referring to the main character as "she". When my dad and I corrected her, she goes, "He has a dick! He's a man!"... which was not pleasant, let me tell you that. And at this point, she's hoping that I'm "just a dyke".
Really, I'm just anxious as hell about doing anything. If you watch "Transgenerations"... I really feel for TJ. He's so tied to his community that, even when it's all the way across the world, he feels like he shouldn't transition because it's against the "rules". I mean, what will my family say? Old friends? And so on... Plus, I just came out to myself. It was lurking there, true, but I wasn't one of those kids who said, "Call me bob!"
Yeah, so I'd love your input.
Thanks!
Basically, I'm thinking of transitioning to male. But I do have doubts, which I suppose is natural.
I'm seeing a good therapist at the Mazzoni Center in Philly, but I figured I'd hash out some of my thoughts here and see what y'all think.
I came out to myself in June of this year when I realized that I was inordinately upset about my graduation gown. (Females wore white; males wore red.) That sort of triggered a realization that had been lurking underneath everything. "Hey, DJ, why are you so upset? Maybe there's something deeper there."
So... first of all, I'm blessed with a pretty androgynous body. Sports bra and a baggy t-shirt are all I really need to conceal the chest, and I'm sure that it would be completely flat if I got a binder. (I ordered one, but it's not here yet.) Even "aunt flo" isn't too bad because I recently lost weight. (OK, so "recently" means "two years ago". But it was a huge weight loss.) I just use a light pad for five days a month, and that's it. Speaking of losing weight, my hips are there, but I can hide them. And since I've cut my hair in a man's short cut, I think I'm passing pretty well.
Still... I don't feel entirely comfortable with my body. A lot of times, I feel like I'm too skinny and not nearly muscular enough. But, even though I go to the gym quite often, I just can't seem to get much visible muscle. I don't overly hate my body, but I dislike looking in the mirror when I'm not dressed. And, when I looked up the effects of T... I went, "Oh, that looks GREAT. I would love that."
As for the social aspect of it all, I've never felt comfortable with makeup/skirts/etc. But it's much more than that. I don't like the "rules" governing female behavior. I don't identify with a lot of women in terms of likes/dislikes. (For example, I have never liked chick flicks.) I do identify more with guys, and... I'm not a truck driver sort of guy, but I can name a bunch of cis male friends who I'm more masculine than.
Whenever I have to present as female -- even as a masculine woman, with a tailored suit or something -- I feel crushed. But when I put on male clothes and present as male, I feel awesome. I mean... I never cared about clothing, period, until I started shopping in the men's department a couple of months ago. Now I love clothing, and... for instance, I can imagine myself looking awesome in a gray tux/silk red collared shirt/shiny white tie for Christmas.
As for the name, I'm DJ -- been going by it ever since I was two years old. My birth name is really feminine, though, which causes problems at airports and such... What do y'all think of David Joshua? It's really biblical, but so is my birth name. (D******="Gift of God"; J***="Grace of God") And my favorite uncle is named David the third after his father.
Um. Yeah, so I sound more sure in this post than I really am. I mean, if I lived in a cave, I would start taking T tomorrow and get chest surgery. But the fact is, I don't live in a cave. I live in a women's college. (Yeah, that's a problem. I might transfer.) And my mom is completely transphobic -- when she saw "Transamerica", she kept referring to the main character as "she". When my dad and I corrected her, she goes, "He has a dick! He's a man!"... which was not pleasant, let me tell you that. And at this point, she's hoping that I'm "just a dyke".
Really, I'm just anxious as hell about doing anything. If you watch "Transgenerations"... I really feel for TJ. He's so tied to his community that, even when it's all the way across the world, he feels like he shouldn't transition because it's against the "rules". I mean, what will my family say? Old friends? And so on... Plus, I just came out to myself. It was lurking there, true, but I wasn't one of those kids who said, "Call me bob!"
Yeah, so I'd love your input.
Thanks!