Belonging.

[secretgirl-1984.livejournal.com]

Warning... Bitchiness and rambling ranting ahead.

Ever since I changed my name, I've felt that I don't really deserve the label transsexual. I am a woman, damnit. It's just every now and then that I feel like I don't belong. Usually when I have to shower or use the restroom. But more than that, I'm a lesbian. I realized this after two relationships with boys (not men, they truly were boys) that failed miserably. Much to my detriment, I jumped right into a relationship with a woman... which failed because our personalities were far different from each other. I'm an independent woman, insofar as I like every now and then to be alone and do my own thing. She wasn't. I loved her very dearly... but I just couldn't live like I was. I needed someone more independent... more like me. Someone who didn't NEED me every single moment.

And I know I'm rambling... It's just... I just found someone that I can talk to about my past relationships who accepts me for me truly. We're just friends... but we get along soo well together. She accepts the label that I put on myself, 'Lesbian', instead of the other that other people would put on me. And she's helping me to undo the damage done to my psyche by staying in my previous relationship for too long. Basically, I had to ignore my emotions and my want to help people in emotional distress in order to live with this other woman (natural girl) becuase everything had to be about her and if it wasn't, she'd throw a tantrum and act depressive and hurt until I turned attention back to her.

I felt like such a heel and such a bitch living with her that it was ridiculous. I'm NOT a bitch and I'm not an emotionless person to ignore the suffering of others. But... My god, she needed to grow the F up.

Anyway... This was supposed to be a post about not feeling like I really 'fit in' to the transsexual community... And I'm sure that I'm not the only one out there. I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body... I don't feel like I really deserve the label. So I don't wear it. I don't dress like it... I dress like a tomboy, I act like a tomboy... but I'm definitely female. I've been told that I pass 100% as a woman. (except by those that knew me before... Duh!) I've been described by a friend as sounding like a soft butch, but definitely female. I have a strong feminine voice and completely own my voice. It is mine through and through and I don't even think about using it and it portrays ME.

Maybe I'm leaning too much on stereotypes. Which my ex would probably say is true... I'm definitely NOT your stereotypical tranny girl.

I would like to say, before I leave... that I support the trans community 100%... I just don't feel like I belong. I feel so much more at home and so much more ... 'right' residing squarely in the label of Lesbian. I think this is more of a shout out and a declaration of some sort than any sort of denial or silly thing like that. I've lost my focus on why... Oh well. This isn't meant to be antagonistic or inflamatory... this is just ME and my feelings on the matter I brought up. And Maybe it's some residual bitchiness or my own bitchiness rearing it's head. But I felt that I had to make the declaration somewhere... and I can't do it at work.. and everyone knows at home.

God! Am I really so insecure that I have to tell people? It sure feels like it... Or maybe it's just a need to be heard. I guess I'm really the only one who can answer that honestly. I just want to be heard after being quiet about it for so long... first to my family (bless their hearts), then to my co-workers... to my friends... I want it to be known WHO I am. What I am.

I am not a transsexual. I am a lesbian. I am me.

Thank you for listening to me ramble and rant...

Sincerely,
Secretgirl