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transIn an angry mood tonite at the usual. I can't get over the fact that others can have what I can't. It infuriates me to think that someone else can lose weight and totally change their looks, yet I'm relegated to being big no matter how hard I work, and bald as well. When I realize that, I don't want to ever date again, because the idea of a girl who finds me attractive is almost sickening to me since it's usually about my size.
Hit my new laptop for the first time. No damage but a bloody knuckle. Also slapped myself across the face twice as punishment for hitting the "copy" button instead of "paste".
Somehow, I have managed to make it through the WHOLE day with nothing more than a bowl of soup (apprx. two cups) and a Kit Kat bar around 2 pm. Nothing else, other than a little alcohol. My stomach is now growling at me, but it can go fuck itself. I like the idea of punishing myself by denying myself food, and I'm too goddamned big as is. Maybe a little starvation is what I need.
I admit, it appeals to me to make myself horribly thin so everyone knows how much I hate myself. I can see the appeal in deliberately making yourself ugly, and since I already think I'm disgusting looking, I might as well go the other way. Better to be ugly and thin than ugly and fat, right?
We'll see how far THIS one goes. I've made plenty of promises in the past about losing weight and even getting thin. Usually I give up after my stomach starts rumbling and I realize that no diet or exercise regimen is going to narrow my shoulders and chest, which is what i really hate, but instead of accepting it, I would rather eat less to punish myself for what I want but can't have. Sorry, I'm just being honest here, and I doubt I'm the only one out there doing this, just the only one admitting it. Who wants to accept being big? I don't think it's possible for me, partially because I just plain don't want to.
Dammit, all this talk of food has made my brain wander to what's in the fridge. At least there's nothing cooked since I brought the rest of the soup to work. Still, stomach is growling and I'm starting to rub my feet together, antsy. At least I don't have a headache...those hunger headaches are hard to ignore. Puckpuckpuck as I smack my bare feet together, making sounds like a punch to the face. I clench my fists and bury my face in the sheet for a minute, taking a deep breath.
Crossing my fingers I can make it tonite without any food and maybe even hit the gym tomorrow morning. More punishment, and what sucks is that there will never be an end to it...I cannot forgive myself for the crimes of being big, of losing my hair starting at age 17, for BEING ME. I don't want me to be big and bald, and if me IS that way, then I might as well accept that I'm ugly and always will be. I've pretty much done that already.
Come on, you ugly, worthless sack of shit...don't fuck this up like you do everything else. Don't give in. I fight the urge to punch myself in the face and instead put my head in my hands, clenching it as my fingertips dig into my bald forehead. I yawn and rock back and forth, and do my best not to think of all the people out there who can eat normally and be small and lithe...whereas I'm expected to eat heartily like a big guy and love it when people point out my size. Fuck that...please, please let me keep this up....don't let me falter and relegate myself, head hung, to "accepting" being a big, broadshouldered guy even though I know I'll hate myself for it.
A lifetime of misery and starvation, all to get a body that I can't have thanks to my shitty genetics. Oh well, life's not fair, so I need to fight my crummy DNA. Better that than having to accept living in this ugly body. Hell, if I were a girl, I wouldn't date me, so when someone tells me I'm attractive, I figure they're either polite or desperate. Who else dates ugly guys?
Hit my new laptop for the first time. No damage but a bloody knuckle. Also slapped myself across the face twice as punishment for hitting the "copy" button instead of "paste".
Somehow, I have managed to make it through the WHOLE day with nothing more than a bowl of soup (apprx. two cups) and a Kit Kat bar around 2 pm. Nothing else, other than a little alcohol. My stomach is now growling at me, but it can go fuck itself. I like the idea of punishing myself by denying myself food, and I'm too goddamned big as is. Maybe a little starvation is what I need.
I admit, it appeals to me to make myself horribly thin so everyone knows how much I hate myself. I can see the appeal in deliberately making yourself ugly, and since I already think I'm disgusting looking, I might as well go the other way. Better to be ugly and thin than ugly and fat, right?
We'll see how far THIS one goes. I've made plenty of promises in the past about losing weight and even getting thin. Usually I give up after my stomach starts rumbling and I realize that no diet or exercise regimen is going to narrow my shoulders and chest, which is what i really hate, but instead of accepting it, I would rather eat less to punish myself for what I want but can't have. Sorry, I'm just being honest here, and I doubt I'm the only one out there doing this, just the only one admitting it. Who wants to accept being big? I don't think it's possible for me, partially because I just plain don't want to.
Dammit, all this talk of food has made my brain wander to what's in the fridge. At least there's nothing cooked since I brought the rest of the soup to work. Still, stomach is growling and I'm starting to rub my feet together, antsy. At least I don't have a headache...those hunger headaches are hard to ignore. Puckpuckpuck as I smack my bare feet together, making sounds like a punch to the face. I clench my fists and bury my face in the sheet for a minute, taking a deep breath.
Crossing my fingers I can make it tonite without any food and maybe even hit the gym tomorrow morning. More punishment, and what sucks is that there will never be an end to it...I cannot forgive myself for the crimes of being big, of losing my hair starting at age 17, for BEING ME. I don't want me to be big and bald, and if me IS that way, then I might as well accept that I'm ugly and always will be. I've pretty much done that already.
Come on, you ugly, worthless sack of shit...don't fuck this up like you do everything else. Don't give in. I fight the urge to punch myself in the face and instead put my head in my hands, clenching it as my fingertips dig into my bald forehead. I yawn and rock back and forth, and do my best not to think of all the people out there who can eat normally and be small and lithe...whereas I'm expected to eat heartily like a big guy and love it when people point out my size. Fuck that...please, please let me keep this up....don't let me falter and relegate myself, head hung, to "accepting" being a big, broadshouldered guy even though I know I'll hate myself for it.
A lifetime of misery and starvation, all to get a body that I can't have thanks to my shitty genetics. Oh well, life's not fair, so I need to fight my crummy DNA. Better that than having to accept living in this ugly body. Hell, if I were a girl, I wouldn't date me, so when someone tells me I'm attractive, I figure they're either polite or desperate. Who else dates ugly guys?