(no subject)

[drag-me-free.livejournal.com]

I'd like to say thanks to everyone who offered supportive comments and good thoughts regarding being a large mtf.  You never know who you might help with those comments and it was good for me to read them.

So I want to stop lurking and introduce myself.  Like many, I've struggled for decades trying to negotiate away my discomfort with gender.  It's nice to feel like there's more hope now.  I'm 40 and became convinced some while back that it was too late for me to allow myself to change.  Lots of reasons why I can't be myself -- all my life of course.  I kept thinking that if I could just make other people happy with me then I'd finally be happy with myself, I suppose?  Wouldn't want to let them down by being myself.  Feeling ashamed of who I am, mostly. 

Anyway, right now I'm at a pretty good spot.  I've had the wonderful experience of staying home with my kids for some time.  I also know the pain of having a career that seemed off to a good start crash down around my ears, and wondering why?  I know what depression is like, year after year, and thinking that it must be simply who I am - that I have to live with it.

When I put on feminine clothing, it often just increases my discomfort because it makes me more aware of this body.  And makes me feel a bit more hopeless each time, perhaps.  So, I'd just like to say thanks for the encouragement to find clothes that work, and maybe to really give anti-androgens and possibly hrt a chance -- a couple months to see how I might feel?  And wouldn't it be better to know how I feel, after all?  Then if it's not right, I won't be wondering year after year.  On the other hand, maybe it'll be even better than just scratching another option off the list?

Either way, I miss having an in-person community and so I'm glad I found this one.  :)