Panic Attack
May. 30th, 2007 02:06 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
banshee1067.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transI'm breathing heavy and keep grasping myself...I'll grab my forearm in a grip and fold in on myself. What's happening to me? I started sweating all over and now here I sit, frustrated, wiping sweat off my face as I type and try to stave this off.
I feel like I want to kill myself, but I've thought that one a lot of times and is probably just some Ultimate Threat to myself.
I found out today that the one girl I truly loved, who I will see again soon, now has a new boyfriend. That doesn't bother me, but what does is this guy is different from the others. She mainly dated short, skinny guys I was jealous of. Well, this guy is average height, but bald and hairy, and she told me it turns her on. She LIKES how manly he appears, and confirmed that during sex she loved it when he dominated her.
I guess this should make me feel better, knowing that finally someone I respect finds me or my "type" attractive, but now I only feel much, much worse, almost like throwing up. What hurts the most is knowing that, predictably, she loved it when he was dominant towards her, which is exactly what girls expected out of me.
Basically, I've confirmed that even a girl I respect is going to see me this way. I always protected myself by saying that the girls I dated were dumb, that not every girl was going to see my size and have an opinion on it, but that was also kind of wishful thinking. I mean, who the hell am I kidding, expecting them to somehow NOT notice that I'm like a fucking foot taller than them.
So, now I sit here and realize that I am never, ever going to be happy, that the best I can do is learn to fake the whole manly image, at least in bed, since that's how I'm going to be seen anyway. Right now I want to take a knife and slash my face up like I used to in college, to ruin what I have just to spite myself and to spit in the face of anybody who thought I looked big and broad shouldered and manly and should "learn to like it".
A recruiter just called, pleading me to get my test scores in NOW so that I can be considered for a job I interviewed for yesterday, but this comes first in my head. My depression ALWAYS comes first.
My face crumples into tears like a crack of thunder. Why am I stuck living in this ugly fucking body? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, I was willing to accept not being female, I was willing to deal with being male, even, but like THIS? Not only am I male, but 6'3", balding, and HAIRY? So now the people I get to attract are invariably the ones who actually WANT some big man to dominate them.
I look in the mirror and restrain myself from ramming my face into it. I broke two mirrors that way, but managed to avoid damaging my face except for the time I smashed a glass in my face out of frustration. Still, most of my scars are old ones, made with a butcher knife on my forearms when things were really, really bad.
Sometimes I read the comments on the TG board and my fillings practically spark from my teeth gritting, I'm so angry and jealous at those who can actually pass for female, who actually have a fucking CHANCE at being attractive. I don't have that, and as much as I was joking with my best friend on the phone about suicide and depression and blowing my head off when she told me she was turned on by masculine men ("Can you call back in five minutes? I think I should saw the barrel on this rifle down so it won't be awkward fitting it in my mouth"), I still see it as an example of no hope.
If even the girls I respect see me as big and masculine, what fucking hope do I have anymore?
I feel like I want to kill myself, but I've thought that one a lot of times and is probably just some Ultimate Threat to myself.
I found out today that the one girl I truly loved, who I will see again soon, now has a new boyfriend. That doesn't bother me, but what does is this guy is different from the others. She mainly dated short, skinny guys I was jealous of. Well, this guy is average height, but bald and hairy, and she told me it turns her on. She LIKES how manly he appears, and confirmed that during sex she loved it when he dominated her.
I guess this should make me feel better, knowing that finally someone I respect finds me or my "type" attractive, but now I only feel much, much worse, almost like throwing up. What hurts the most is knowing that, predictably, she loved it when he was dominant towards her, which is exactly what girls expected out of me.
Basically, I've confirmed that even a girl I respect is going to see me this way. I always protected myself by saying that the girls I dated were dumb, that not every girl was going to see my size and have an opinion on it, but that was also kind of wishful thinking. I mean, who the hell am I kidding, expecting them to somehow NOT notice that I'm like a fucking foot taller than them.
So, now I sit here and realize that I am never, ever going to be happy, that the best I can do is learn to fake the whole manly image, at least in bed, since that's how I'm going to be seen anyway. Right now I want to take a knife and slash my face up like I used to in college, to ruin what I have just to spite myself and to spit in the face of anybody who thought I looked big and broad shouldered and manly and should "learn to like it".
A recruiter just called, pleading me to get my test scores in NOW so that I can be considered for a job I interviewed for yesterday, but this comes first in my head. My depression ALWAYS comes first.
My face crumples into tears like a crack of thunder. Why am I stuck living in this ugly fucking body? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, I was willing to accept not being female, I was willing to deal with being male, even, but like THIS? Not only am I male, but 6'3", balding, and HAIRY? So now the people I get to attract are invariably the ones who actually WANT some big man to dominate them.
I look in the mirror and restrain myself from ramming my face into it. I broke two mirrors that way, but managed to avoid damaging my face except for the time I smashed a glass in my face out of frustration. Still, most of my scars are old ones, made with a butcher knife on my forearms when things were really, really bad.
Sometimes I read the comments on the TG board and my fillings practically spark from my teeth gritting, I'm so angry and jealous at those who can actually pass for female, who actually have a fucking CHANCE at being attractive. I don't have that, and as much as I was joking with my best friend on the phone about suicide and depression and blowing my head off when she told me she was turned on by masculine men ("Can you call back in five minutes? I think I should saw the barrel on this rifle down so it won't be awkward fitting it in my mouth"), I still see it as an example of no hope.
If even the girls I respect see me as big and masculine, what fucking hope do I have anymore?