She's Not The Man I Married
Aug. 12th, 2007 11:12 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
walkenbox.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transIt seems I only ever post here when I have a situation (or thought) that is upsetting me. I'll change that, I promise. But, for now, I'll pump you for more advice/information/experiences. Again, I really appreciate and thank anyone who reads this entry and responds to me. I'll try to respond back as much as I can. And again, I apologize for the novel-size of all of my entries here. -.-;;
This is my girlfriend and I, from yesterday at a big mall downtown, taken at a photo booth. It was only the third time that I have dressed up around her. There is a gay-owned restaurant near the Arts District that we have been going to, and the mall was near there. Also, this was the first time that I've been at a completely huge, openly public place dressed as a woman. I, surprisingly, hardly got any second glances, and was called "ma'am" or "miss" well more than once. It was a lot of fun. Now, though my girlfriend obviously still loves me very much, and accepts this part of me (at least for the moment), there is a major problem that we're both facing, and I am honestly not sure where any of this will put us.
I want to be a woman.
I've made that decision, and it is completely solid for me. I was actually a huge relief when I finally said it aloud: I want to start HRT. However, there is a world of problem from this. Aside from her own viewpoints, her family are all very old, and very "oldschool" conservative. And her father is a bigot. He is a nice man, but is very openly prejudiced, even toward things like long hair, earrings, or certain hats. There is absolutely no way that I could ever marry her as a woman. And I want to marry her. My girlfriend and I have always been best friends, maybe for about 10 years, and have been together for 5. She is basically a female version of me, and I really couldn't see myself being as happy as I am with any other person. But ever since I told her I was transgendered, and not just curious about dressing as a Lolita for A-Kon or something, there has been a lot of serious discussion, guilt, pain, and crying.
In short, my femininity is difficult for her to take. The woman in me was always in my own brain, until the first time I was called "ma'am" at school, when I wasn't even completely dressed. So, to everyone else (even my mother), I have always been a boy. A generally very androgynous boy, but a boy nonetheless. So, my change has been difficult for her. And to her, very sudden, extreme, and overwhelming. Whenever I go out, I want to dress up, it's generally all I talk about, and she has even mentioned to me that I rarely even talk about all of my martial arts anymore, even though I still keep up with practicing. I understand how hard this has been for her, because, she has told me herself, she sees me as a boy and not a girl. And that can never change, apparently. I see it even when I ask her how passable I look, whenever I dress up for her.
I am still so young, but it would kill me to lose her. But it is also depressing for me that I am sacrificing so much for her. We got together so early in our lives that I have never been able to explore the deeper aspects of my personality, and my personal tastes. For one, I am gay. About 99.99%. To me, intimacy is intimacy, but I am attracted to boys. I am so sexually attracted to my girlfriend because we are so close to each other, and we have been that way forever. She generally is the only woman I could ever really be sexually attracted to. I have never even kissed a boy on the lips, or held hands with a boy, and it's depressing, quite frankly. But I love my girlfriend, and I have told her, even though she tells me that this makes her feel guilty to no end, that I am not going to leave her just so I can go "have my fun", and then come back to her after I've had my fill of boys and experiences with them. But I also feel as if my desire to be female is being pushed into this same "sacrifice" category. I also want to be a Kindergarten teacher (this is what I'm studying for), but if I could not make it as a teacher as a transwoman, if I couldn't be hired, unless I was deathly passable, I am a musician, and could just join or start up a Jazz trio and go into the record industry. So, basically, the only obstacles in my life in regards to my desire to be a woman are her and her family's views.
As much as she is trying to keep up with me, understand, and research for herself (she has looked at My Husband Betty, read books, even gone to my transgender support group meetings), she is still having a much, much harder time than even I am, just trying to understand and deal with it all. Also, she is a scientist, and her viewpoints tend to be very rigid and scientific, and it all just hurts me very much when I have to face any of it, or listen to her. Quite simply, she sees me as a boy, and she could not ever fully accept my being a woman for the rest of my, and our, life. And she has told me that what she is most afraid of is if I end up resenting her, or, if 10 more years down the line, we break up from some other unrelated thing, and I tell her something like "give me back the 10 years I could have been on HRT". I can't even fathom that thought, because it is way too depressing for me.
I would really just like to hear anything you guys have to say about my situation, because I know it is not an uncommon thing. Any personal experiences, information, resources, or just general advice, anything I will appreciate very, very much. I am just at a total loss with all of this. I feel like I am sacrificing so much, or like I'm picking the lesser of two evils, or am being forced to choose between whatever will make me slightly happier. If I am to go on HRT, I need to do it now. Like, yesterday now, before my body makeup and total structure is completely finished developing, and becomes a lot more difficult to alter. My psychiatrist and therapist are all helping me, and pointing me toward a good perspective, but the thing is, everyone is just generally telling me that I am going to need to make a final decision for what will make me happiest. My psychiatrist even suggested the possibility of my girlfriend and I just being best friends, like a Will and Grace type of thing. I just can't fathom that, honestly. It's not that I don't want to. It's just very difficult for me to. I still feel as if I am going to eventually have to force myself to make a final decision, and I just can't avoid it any longer. You all are so great, and have so many insights. I look forward to whenever I can post here, or just generally read what you all have to say to everyone else. Okay, well, that is it. Thank you for reading yet another 500-page entry by me.
This is my girlfriend and I, from yesterday at a big mall downtown, taken at a photo booth. It was only the third time that I have dressed up around her. There is a gay-owned restaurant near the Arts District that we have been going to, and the mall was near there. Also, this was the first time that I've been at a completely huge, openly public place dressed as a woman. I, surprisingly, hardly got any second glances, and was called "ma'am" or "miss" well more than once. It was a lot of fun. Now, though my girlfriend obviously still loves me very much, and accepts this part of me (at least for the moment), there is a major problem that we're both facing, and I am honestly not sure where any of this will put us.
I want to be a woman.
I've made that decision, and it is completely solid for me. I was actually a huge relief when I finally said it aloud: I want to start HRT. However, there is a world of problem from this. Aside from her own viewpoints, her family are all very old, and very "oldschool" conservative. And her father is a bigot. He is a nice man, but is very openly prejudiced, even toward things like long hair, earrings, or certain hats. There is absolutely no way that I could ever marry her as a woman. And I want to marry her. My girlfriend and I have always been best friends, maybe for about 10 years, and have been together for 5. She is basically a female version of me, and I really couldn't see myself being as happy as I am with any other person. But ever since I told her I was transgendered, and not just curious about dressing as a Lolita for A-Kon or something, there has been a lot of serious discussion, guilt, pain, and crying.
In short, my femininity is difficult for her to take. The woman in me was always in my own brain, until the first time I was called "ma'am" at school, when I wasn't even completely dressed. So, to everyone else (even my mother), I have always been a boy. A generally very androgynous boy, but a boy nonetheless. So, my change has been difficult for her. And to her, very sudden, extreme, and overwhelming. Whenever I go out, I want to dress up, it's generally all I talk about, and she has even mentioned to me that I rarely even talk about all of my martial arts anymore, even though I still keep up with practicing. I understand how hard this has been for her, because, she has told me herself, she sees me as a boy and not a girl. And that can never change, apparently. I see it even when I ask her how passable I look, whenever I dress up for her.
I am still so young, but it would kill me to lose her. But it is also depressing for me that I am sacrificing so much for her. We got together so early in our lives that I have never been able to explore the deeper aspects of my personality, and my personal tastes. For one, I am gay. About 99.99%. To me, intimacy is intimacy, but I am attracted to boys. I am so sexually attracted to my girlfriend because we are so close to each other, and we have been that way forever. She generally is the only woman I could ever really be sexually attracted to. I have never even kissed a boy on the lips, or held hands with a boy, and it's depressing, quite frankly. But I love my girlfriend, and I have told her, even though she tells me that this makes her feel guilty to no end, that I am not going to leave her just so I can go "have my fun", and then come back to her after I've had my fill of boys and experiences with them. But I also feel as if my desire to be female is being pushed into this same "sacrifice" category. I also want to be a Kindergarten teacher (this is what I'm studying for), but if I could not make it as a teacher as a transwoman, if I couldn't be hired, unless I was deathly passable, I am a musician, and could just join or start up a Jazz trio and go into the record industry. So, basically, the only obstacles in my life in regards to my desire to be a woman are her and her family's views.
As much as she is trying to keep up with me, understand, and research for herself (she has looked at My Husband Betty, read books, even gone to my transgender support group meetings), she is still having a much, much harder time than even I am, just trying to understand and deal with it all. Also, she is a scientist, and her viewpoints tend to be very rigid and scientific, and it all just hurts me very much when I have to face any of it, or listen to her. Quite simply, she sees me as a boy, and she could not ever fully accept my being a woman for the rest of my, and our, life. And she has told me that what she is most afraid of is if I end up resenting her, or, if 10 more years down the line, we break up from some other unrelated thing, and I tell her something like "give me back the 10 years I could have been on HRT". I can't even fathom that thought, because it is way too depressing for me.
I would really just like to hear anything you guys have to say about my situation, because I know it is not an uncommon thing. Any personal experiences, information, resources, or just general advice, anything I will appreciate very, very much. I am just at a total loss with all of this. I feel like I am sacrificing so much, or like I'm picking the lesser of two evils, or am being forced to choose between whatever will make me slightly happier. If I am to go on HRT, I need to do it now. Like, yesterday now, before my body makeup and total structure is completely finished developing, and becomes a lot more difficult to alter. My psychiatrist and therapist are all helping me, and pointing me toward a good perspective, but the thing is, everyone is just generally telling me that I am going to need to make a final decision for what will make me happiest. My psychiatrist even suggested the possibility of my girlfriend and I just being best friends, like a Will and Grace type of thing. I just can't fathom that, honestly. It's not that I don't want to. It's just very difficult for me to. I still feel as if I am going to eventually have to force myself to make a final decision, and I just can't avoid it any longer. You all are so great, and have so many insights. I look forward to whenever I can post here, or just generally read what you all have to say to everyone else. Okay, well, that is it. Thank you for reading yet another 500-page entry by me.