(no subject)
Jan. 3rd, 2008 01:17 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
styggian-nights.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transMan, no matter how many times I try to think of a way to phrase this, it comes across sounding so lame and pathetic.
I keep finding myself lately thinking more and more about relationships and how difficult it could be. I'm stuck in the middle of everything, I can't see a therapist yet or do anything that would make any real difference to taking care of myself, but I also feel so freaking lonely sometimes. Because of my age, most people in my age range are probably wanting or expecting something physical, and right now I'm just not comfortable with that. I don't like my anatomy and I don't want anyone else doing anything with it either. I have a lot of dysphoria, but it's going to be ages yet before I am in any position to do a damned thing about it.
So for now I feel so stuck in this body. And I want to have some kind of relationship. I don't want hot and heavy because I am just so not ready for that, but you know, someone to go see a movie with, someone to sit and cuddle with, go for a walk under the stars. But it all feels out of reach too. I don't want a relationship with a woman because I don't lean that way,and I find myself questioning a lot of times what kind of guy would be interested. And if I find someone openminded and supportive enough to date and FTM, what if they still want something physical too?
I keep feeling like I'm just asking too much. A romantic, sensitive guy who's openminded enough to date a pre-everything FTM and can handle being hands off for an indefinite time.
I feel so insecure about going out and meeting people. I don't pass all the time and the thought of telling someone face to face that I'm FTM gives me the freaking willies. I rather envy the guys who already have good relationships. I wish I could find something similar, but I really have no idea where to look for it.
Man, I feel like a lame hopeless romantic. Eh. You guys know how I feel though, right?
I keep finding myself lately thinking more and more about relationships and how difficult it could be. I'm stuck in the middle of everything, I can't see a therapist yet or do anything that would make any real difference to taking care of myself, but I also feel so freaking lonely sometimes. Because of my age, most people in my age range are probably wanting or expecting something physical, and right now I'm just not comfortable with that. I don't like my anatomy and I don't want anyone else doing anything with it either. I have a lot of dysphoria, but it's going to be ages yet before I am in any position to do a damned thing about it.
So for now I feel so stuck in this body. And I want to have some kind of relationship. I don't want hot and heavy because I am just so not ready for that, but you know, someone to go see a movie with, someone to sit and cuddle with, go for a walk under the stars. But it all feels out of reach too. I don't want a relationship with a woman because I don't lean that way,and I find myself questioning a lot of times what kind of guy would be interested. And if I find someone openminded and supportive enough to date and FTM, what if they still want something physical too?
I keep feeling like I'm just asking too much. A romantic, sensitive guy who's openminded enough to date a pre-everything FTM and can handle being hands off for an indefinite time.
I feel so insecure about going out and meeting people. I don't pass all the time and the thought of telling someone face to face that I'm FTM gives me the freaking willies. I rather envy the guys who already have good relationships. I wish I could find something similar, but I really have no idea where to look for it.
Man, I feel like a lame hopeless romantic. Eh. You guys know how I feel though, right?