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transHere it is everyone......
When I was in 8th grade I hit the stage of life all teens had to go through. Puberty. As everyone knows, our inner and outer bodies change. Where most people would start to realize that every thing that moves is hot and that everything that moves is another thing to date some changed that road and said I'm not into the other sex, I want the same sex and then there's "us". When I was in 8th grade and my hair became curly and my voice got deeper and I got some much taller my eyes did not travel those to boobs and cars, I came to look at other objects. Such as bright colors, love, emotional discovery. Where guys would start to dress ghetto and all in like button up shirts and hats here and there I would copy them to fit in with the rest of the group but in my heart I knew I HATED these cloths. Not just like how baggy they were, its the room they left. They left to much room for my body to move around in and I did not feel protected in them so this would come to drive me nuts in my mind and I was like the hell of it I need to change my dressing code. Now before I made this choice of dressing code keep in mind I HATED boys cloths, anything guys would wear I came to hate so much. I knew there was a line that I had to stop at but I wanted to 1st reach that line so i would 1st come to love these black long beads that girls would wear. So I would come to buy these beads and wear them all the time. As I had these girly beads on I felt so right with them on, but then I see that the cloths HAD to go so I changed my cloths to tight pants and tight cloths and the feeling of tightness made me feel so right. In 9th grade I had this thing and it was known as "Rebirth" and this event in my life would introduced me to make moves that made me look and seem gay. There was this side of me in me that wanted to come out, a voice in my head that said its okay to show me, you know you hate who you are now so be thep erson you really want to be. This side of me was a very female side of me. Wear pink would look great to me and I could walk into girl clothing stores and I would be picking out shirts that had colorful looks to it and I would start to LOVE america's next top model and I would envy that girls get to wear all the cute and beautiful looking shirts that I hated being what I was more. Now I let this voice take me into a trip to hell that I would REALLY start to come off as gay but I knew in my heart that I did not like guys. Now all of 9th grade, well most of it, I was madly in love with this girl named Alex because she like.....well what can I say, When I'm talking or when I'm With her, I feel like a true female <3 She made me feel that it was OKAY to show this female side of me and put aside this male, this thing. So far up to that point people would stare me down for all the tight cloths and for all the gay actions I do. I'm a very bubbly kind of guy and when you get a guy who is bubbly and wears VERY tight shirts that are from the girl parts of stores (hot topic mostly) it comes of as very gay. SO when people would tell me that i'm gay and they would question me EVERYDAY I started to get very confuse on how to dress, how to act, who to be, what to be. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a free peron who can just walk into public and BAM, people would walk right pass me as if the way I look, walk, talk and act was the way it was made to be. But that's only a dream of mine and sadly I had my breaking point. I now wear the pink hearts and the bright colors more than ever, I LOVE make up, though I only put it on twice in my life, I love it so much that i went out 2 nights ago and plan to put it on myself. It makes me feel good, I t makes me feel that i'm a good looking person. I feel pretty in tight shirts, acting and dressing the way I do, makes me feel normal. Now let's go over here to the fact that I'm NOT gay. Remember Alex? I'm madly and happy in love with Alex now and we been together for (about 6 months) not a big deal blah, blah, I know. But People, She makes me feel like a freaking women and I LOVE IT. I always tell her she makes me feel like a man, but till a day ago, I would tell her this because I only said it to cover up for the fact I wanted to say you make me feel like a women and it drove me nuts that she even LOVED the way I act, and the way I dressed. She in person, has been so far the only REAL person I know that has not EVER thought for a second "hold on a minute". And people, when I can look into her eyes and cry and feel happier than ever and makes my heart melt and make me feel like I'm flying, I'm crazy over her, in love with her.
Last night I would come to happen to admit to Alex everything I just told you. Her reaction was as if another flower was just born, beautiful and pure. After last night and digging deep into my feelings I come to realize that I know and I know that I'm only 16 , but people I'm someone trying to just live my life the way I WANT TO LIVE IT. Not how other's want me to live it....Last night I admitted that I hate being a male, I hate being a boy. I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. Only because I have a penis DOES NOT MEAN I LIKE BEING THIS THING, and I'm not just saying that. Its the truth and I know who and what I am. My name is Michael Loscalzo and my only true goal, not to Alex to keep our relationship and just take it where it goes, but my goal to live MY life, to be able to live the life I want to live without having to be HATED for who I am, I want to be what I was made for in the 1st place. I want to be a female. And this is not a joke. I want a sex change its the only way. I thought about this in so many ways and I have someone's pro help on this because in Alex's family there is someone who too had a sex change from male to female and thats what I want. I want to be a girl, I want to be able to dress for one and not get looks, I want to walk around and not get looks. I just want to be who I REALLY want to be. And i feel like this is what must be done in order to really live life. It may sound like bull to you people and I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know the toll this is going to have on my life, people around me, family and friends. Everything I ever had can be lost in seconds. I've only ever told Alex this and I feel like I need to share this with the world because I know this is the dream that I need to make come true for my self. I wish to be this pretty girl but I look in the mirror everyday and see this fake male who just wants to be what he is trying to really be. This is who I am and I'm willing to take EVERY step possible to make myself into what I was born to be. As for Alex, to carry this out, we talked about all this and I have help from her family member, so one I can talk to. For now I can't share this to EVERYONE, LJ is different, but in person. There's a wait but as long as I know I have Alex and the other backing me and helping me out I'll be fine. Alex told me, no matter what I do with my body, she will never think less than me, she will only love me more for doing something for myself, for stepping up and making a dream come true. She even told me she wouldn't in a thousands years, leave me just for this change. And to hear those words, to know that I'm going to have someone no matter the choice I have, makes this choice a thousands times easier.
When I was in 8th grade I hit the stage of life all teens had to go through. Puberty. As everyone knows, our inner and outer bodies change. Where most people would start to realize that every thing that moves is hot and that everything that moves is another thing to date some changed that road and said I'm not into the other sex, I want the same sex and then there's "us". When I was in 8th grade and my hair became curly and my voice got deeper and I got some much taller my eyes did not travel those to boobs and cars, I came to look at other objects. Such as bright colors, love, emotional discovery. Where guys would start to dress ghetto and all in like button up shirts and hats here and there I would copy them to fit in with the rest of the group but in my heart I knew I HATED these cloths. Not just like how baggy they were, its the room they left. They left to much room for my body to move around in and I did not feel protected in them so this would come to drive me nuts in my mind and I was like the hell of it I need to change my dressing code. Now before I made this choice of dressing code keep in mind I HATED boys cloths, anything guys would wear I came to hate so much. I knew there was a line that I had to stop at but I wanted to 1st reach that line so i would 1st come to love these black long beads that girls would wear. So I would come to buy these beads and wear them all the time. As I had these girly beads on I felt so right with them on, but then I see that the cloths HAD to go so I changed my cloths to tight pants and tight cloths and the feeling of tightness made me feel so right. In 9th grade I had this thing and it was known as "Rebirth" and this event in my life would introduced me to make moves that made me look and seem gay. There was this side of me in me that wanted to come out, a voice in my head that said its okay to show me, you know you hate who you are now so be thep erson you really want to be. This side of me was a very female side of me. Wear pink would look great to me and I could walk into girl clothing stores and I would be picking out shirts that had colorful looks to it and I would start to LOVE america's next top model and I would envy that girls get to wear all the cute and beautiful looking shirts that I hated being what I was more. Now I let this voice take me into a trip to hell that I would REALLY start to come off as gay but I knew in my heart that I did not like guys. Now all of 9th grade, well most of it, I was madly in love with this girl named Alex because she like.....well what can I say, When I'm talking or when I'm With her, I feel like a true female <3 She made me feel that it was OKAY to show this female side of me and put aside this male, this thing. So far up to that point people would stare me down for all the tight cloths and for all the gay actions I do. I'm a very bubbly kind of guy and when you get a guy who is bubbly and wears VERY tight shirts that are from the girl parts of stores (hot topic mostly) it comes of as very gay. SO when people would tell me that i'm gay and they would question me EVERYDAY I started to get very confuse on how to dress, how to act, who to be, what to be. In my heart I knew I wanted to be a free peron who can just walk into public and BAM, people would walk right pass me as if the way I look, walk, talk and act was the way it was made to be. But that's only a dream of mine and sadly I had my breaking point. I now wear the pink hearts and the bright colors more than ever, I LOVE make up, though I only put it on twice in my life, I love it so much that i went out 2 nights ago and plan to put it on myself. It makes me feel good, I t makes me feel that i'm a good looking person. I feel pretty in tight shirts, acting and dressing the way I do, makes me feel normal. Now let's go over here to the fact that I'm NOT gay. Remember Alex? I'm madly and happy in love with Alex now and we been together for (about 6 months) not a big deal blah, blah, I know. But People, She makes me feel like a freaking women and I LOVE IT. I always tell her she makes me feel like a man, but till a day ago, I would tell her this because I only said it to cover up for the fact I wanted to say you make me feel like a women and it drove me nuts that she even LOVED the way I act, and the way I dressed. She in person, has been so far the only REAL person I know that has not EVER thought for a second "hold on a minute". And people, when I can look into her eyes and cry and feel happier than ever and makes my heart melt and make me feel like I'm flying, I'm crazy over her, in love with her.
Last night I would come to happen to admit to Alex everything I just told you. Her reaction was as if another flower was just born, beautiful and pure. After last night and digging deep into my feelings I come to realize that I know and I know that I'm only 16 , but people I'm someone trying to just live my life the way I WANT TO LIVE IT. Not how other's want me to live it....Last night I admitted that I hate being a male, I hate being a boy. I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. Only because I have a penis DOES NOT MEAN I LIKE BEING THIS THING, and I'm not just saying that. Its the truth and I know who and what I am. My name is Michael Loscalzo and my only true goal, not to Alex to keep our relationship and just take it where it goes, but my goal to live MY life, to be able to live the life I want to live without having to be HATED for who I am, I want to be what I was made for in the 1st place. I want to be a female. And this is not a joke. I want a sex change its the only way. I thought about this in so many ways and I have someone's pro help on this because in Alex's family there is someone who too had a sex change from male to female and thats what I want. I want to be a girl, I want to be able to dress for one and not get looks, I want to walk around and not get looks. I just want to be who I REALLY want to be. And i feel like this is what must be done in order to really live life. It may sound like bull to you people and I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know the toll this is going to have on my life, people around me, family and friends. Everything I ever had can be lost in seconds. I've only ever told Alex this and I feel like I need to share this with the world because I know this is the dream that I need to make come true for my self. I wish to be this pretty girl but I look in the mirror everyday and see this fake male who just wants to be what he is trying to really be. This is who I am and I'm willing to take EVERY step possible to make myself into what I was born to be. As for Alex, to carry this out, we talked about all this and I have help from her family member, so one I can talk to. For now I can't share this to EVERYONE, LJ is different, but in person. There's a wait but as long as I know I have Alex and the other backing me and helping me out I'll be fine. Alex told me, no matter what I do with my body, she will never think less than me, she will only love me more for doing something for myself, for stepping up and making a dream come true. She even told me she wouldn't in a thousands years, leave me just for this change. And to hear those words, to know that I'm going to have someone no matter the choice I have, makes this choice a thousands times easier.