Cute Li'l Munchkins
Feb. 5th, 2008 10:47 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
perfectvictimv2.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transOkay so I'm back and I'm that boy who came out and told the world on the net he wanted a sex change? Well not a lot has changed since then sadly. Sadly I'm lost and confused. I don't even know what to do right now and I'm so ready to do this but I'm jumping into deep water here people. I'm going to let you read what I wrote today about how my mind is racing on things. I really need advice and some help on this so please, I know this post is very long but I'm seeking help here. Thank you for those who will take their time and read what I have to say about my thoughts on the sex change.
Today when I was in the car with my mom, she asked me a question and I never thought I would hear her ask me a question on my decision to get a sex change but she did. She asked me why I would do it. I told her that as a male I'm being held back from being who I REALLY want to be. She told me she did not understand. She didn't say much after that but what she did say was the she had no idea where to start on research on this. She had no idea where to look and I too have no idea. Last night i was up 11:30 till 2:30 trying to get any information on this topic. I'm jumping into something I want but I have NO idea what to look for. I found out some laws about sex changes and I read some stuff on how long it cane take just to even get READY for the sex change. I saw 24 months and what got to me was that on one website I saw that even if your able to get the sex change the law and whom ever your going to see for such a thing has the right to say no. That really like shocked me because what if I go through all of the steps and get all ready and its as if its REALLY going to happen and then BAM, they stop you at the most important step. I think that would ruin me, to be so close but yet so far away. I don't want to stay a male and today I thought about so many things about this. Alex told me that I should wait after high school. When she told me that, I felt like there was something not right with that. Finally 1st time in my life I can admit to everyone and even to my own parents that I want a sex change and then I am told to wait? Wait on who I really want to be? Wait to be happy? Wait to make a dream come true? I hear there's a lot of violence in this too, people beating up the people going through the time of a sex change. I been told people been killed for it. Well maybe they didn't ask for any of that but besides Alex, this would be the only other thing I would ever die for. If this is something I really want, why should I have to worry about what others will do to me? No one ever said life would just let you be. I fully understand that people will question you and even yes, beat you up for it but just like my love for alex, I would stand for what is right, I would go through any amount of pain to be changed into a girl. If this is a life goal and I need to reach this goal at any cost possible. As for waiting that drove me nuts today. Why should I wait? I want this as soon as possible, I want this so bad and I can finally see something changing. Alex told me that I should wait because doing this in high school would be very hard and dangerous. I heard rumors in my school that there was a guy name lu who got a sex change. And during that process he got beating up to a bloody mess and that you can see the blood stains somewhere around the school. Well this story never got me to think, eh maybe I should not do this. It made me see that if another teenager went through such pain to be what he wanted to be then I can do the same. I hear that society will be tough on you, that things would get very hard all around and I understand that. I been told that you can't rush into this, that you need to wait till you understand everything and I know that but if I have my moms help on this and my girlfriends family help on this and her help why should I wait? It drives me nuts and inside I feel guilty because I want to do this as soon as possible, I want to go out and tell the public, I want to start getting the help right now, I want to be a girl so bad that I just want everything now. But I guess reality is that I can't have that. I talked to my girlfriend about how I felt like I didn't want to wait and she said if I respected her family member who went through this that I would listen to her and wait till I'm done with high school. The talked became like a 2 hour convo on how that I should wait and I told her how I felt. How why should I wait if I can do this now? Now heres another problem, I feel like if I act on my own not only will I be disrespecting her family member but I would be doing the same to her. They both know about the sex change process more than I do, they are a great help and this friday when I talk to her family member I will know a lot more but like I said before deep inside I don't want to wait. Do I push that feeling aside or do I act on my own? I don't want to disrespect the love of my life and the greatest help I can get possible but I don't want to wait. I just want what's best and she wants what's best and I feel like the longer I wait the more I have to live this lie. She also told me that I'm worrying to much about it all. Like you know I got questions and I'm really worried about things like my body and my hair and how everything would work out. Like because I got very curly puffy hair, I'm worried that when I go through the process my hair would make me look more like a male than a female and I don't want that AT ALL. I don't want to look at a boy in any shape or form but I know I can't have that. I said that if my hair does get in the way that I will have to straighten it after the process so I can look like a female more. But then see what I just said? ITS SO FAR AWAY! So why am I worrying about all that now? I just want to make sure that this change, by the end of it that I really WILL look like a girl. I want to be able to wake up one day and look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful girl in the reflection, not this guy that I am now. I also think about like my new life style? Like how do you live like a girl? Is there a way to even like switch over that? I been told that the process helps you with that but I want to be a girl so bad and I just don't know how one day I can wake up as a girl and then act like one when I been this male all my life? I don't want to be a male at all and I'm just so arg about that. My hands are shaped and my body is shaped as a male. I have a freaking adams apple and I know that the sex change can't do that, so I can't have it all and I'm just like once I'm done with the change will I REALLY look like a girl? Or will my hands and body get in the way of that? So many thoughts are racing threw my mind and I'm so confused because I'm at a point where I'm being told not to act on this till later and I want to do it so bad. I don't even know where to start, I don't even know how to even get a jump on ANY OF THIS. When I was at lunch today there was this girl at my table who was looking at me and she kept looking at me. So I asked her why are you looking at me?? Is it the eye liner or something? Well she was being really nice and told me that the eye liner looks nice on me and that I know how to put it on better than she does and we both laughed and then she told me that my face structure is so close to a females one that if I had my hair shorter and looked like a girl that my face would be perfect and when I heard that I cried because that meant so much to me. I only really talked to this girl here and there but for her to say such a thing really made my heart sing for joy. To know that someone can look at me and see a girl in me, that really shows that this is meant to be. I told her about my sex change and how I want to do it and she told me that whatever you need to do to feel right in your own body that you should chase your dreams and not worry about what others think about you. That too really got to me because that just made me feel more like I NEED to do this now! ThaT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT AT ALL! My girlfriend always tells me that I look beautiful, that she sees me more as a girl than a guy too. That even no without the change she can see the girl in me and when i hear that it reminds me how true this love is with her. She is my support with this and my inspiration. She is the only person who has ever made me feel beautiful, and who made me feel like a girl and not a man. I feel so girly around her and so cute and so right and I never been more in love with her than I am today. I really appreciate her more than ever for helping me and talking to me about this. One day I know I'm going to be that beautiful girl that she tells me that she sees and I'm going to be able to hold her as a girl and just fully embrace her with my love as a female. She told me today that when I get the sex change that its going to take sometime to get used to. I was asking her today that can she really go through this with me? I told her I needed to know if you could give up sex for me because I told her straight up that I was not going to keep my penis ,that I wanted nothing to do with being a male and made it clear that the sex life we know of now, its not going to be there. Can you go the rest of your life with me after the change without having a dick in you? She told me that to tell the truth that its going to be very hard and that there is going to be sexually anger because of it. Sometimes I feel like ever since I told her that I'm forcing her to go through this with me. That I'm forcing her to give up sex and to become lesbian with me. I know after the change I'm never ever going to like a male in that way, that I'm madly in love with Alex and that I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I just want her to be happy and she is so used to the male and female relationship we have no that its going to be hard to change that into a female to female type of love. I told her that and she said that yes your right, its not going to be easy for me, but for you, I will get used to it and love you for who you are. And that really touched me to know she would give up so much for me to stay and be happy with me. But now that I think of it....can it be possible to go from a male and female relationship...to a female to female? Is there a right way to do this? Can you just wake up one day and be gay with the girl you been having sex with for sometime? Can you just give all that up in a blink of an eye? All I know is that, I giving up my sex life that has to do with a penis going inside a girl after the change. I won't have that part of me anymore and that I want to be with Alex, That is very clear to me. When my mom got home today I was going to go to barns and nobel to find some books on all of this. If there are even books on transsexuals. Well I was all ready to go but she had to much work to do and that made me feel like she was putting work ahead of me and that what I told her did not matter. I came out to me mom last sat and ever since she never said a word about it but what she said to me on the way to school. So I kind of got upset and asked her if she feels uncomfortable on this and she told me that she is. The last thing she would ever think to hear me tell her that is I want a sex change. She said that she thought I was gay but not this. So she felt very confused. I told her how I felt and tried to made her understand but she kept telling me all the bad of this. what can happen and why I would want to do this to my body. I kept telling her the same reason being that since the summer of me going into 8th grade that I felt very wrong in the skin I was in and that was the start of my changing myself to feel more like what I was feeling inside. She and I went on the computer and she got really silent and just started to her hands on her face and move her hair and she goes I don't even fucking know where to start. She asked me how much this is going to be and I told her I had no idea. and She got really mad and kept telling me that she doesn't even know what to do with me or with this. After her yelling at me and saying that, I got upset and told her that I was going to sleep and that i did. And when I slept I felt like if my mom is at lost and she's an adult how am I ever going to begin anything if I don't know where to start....
Today when I was in the car with my mom, she asked me a question and I never thought I would hear her ask me a question on my decision to get a sex change but she did. She asked me why I would do it. I told her that as a male I'm being held back from being who I REALLY want to be. She told me she did not understand. She didn't say much after that but what she did say was the she had no idea where to start on research on this. She had no idea where to look and I too have no idea. Last night i was up 11:30 till 2:30 trying to get any information on this topic. I'm jumping into something I want but I have NO idea what to look for. I found out some laws about sex changes and I read some stuff on how long it cane take just to even get READY for the sex change. I saw 24 months and what got to me was that on one website I saw that even if your able to get the sex change the law and whom ever your going to see for such a thing has the right to say no. That really like shocked me because what if I go through all of the steps and get all ready and its as if its REALLY going to happen and then BAM, they stop you at the most important step. I think that would ruin me, to be so close but yet so far away. I don't want to stay a male and today I thought about so many things about this. Alex told me that I should wait after high school. When she told me that, I felt like there was something not right with that. Finally 1st time in my life I can admit to everyone and even to my own parents that I want a sex change and then I am told to wait? Wait on who I really want to be? Wait to be happy? Wait to make a dream come true? I hear there's a lot of violence in this too, people beating up the people going through the time of a sex change. I been told people been killed for it. Well maybe they didn't ask for any of that but besides Alex, this would be the only other thing I would ever die for. If this is something I really want, why should I have to worry about what others will do to me? No one ever said life would just let you be. I fully understand that people will question you and even yes, beat you up for it but just like my love for alex, I would stand for what is right, I would go through any amount of pain to be changed into a girl. If this is a life goal and I need to reach this goal at any cost possible. As for waiting that drove me nuts today. Why should I wait? I want this as soon as possible, I want this so bad and I can finally see something changing. Alex told me that I should wait because doing this in high school would be very hard and dangerous. I heard rumors in my school that there was a guy name lu who got a sex change. And during that process he got beating up to a bloody mess and that you can see the blood stains somewhere around the school. Well this story never got me to think, eh maybe I should not do this. It made me see that if another teenager went through such pain to be what he wanted to be then I can do the same. I hear that society will be tough on you, that things would get very hard all around and I understand that. I been told that you can't rush into this, that you need to wait till you understand everything and I know that but if I have my moms help on this and my girlfriends family help on this and her help why should I wait? It drives me nuts and inside I feel guilty because I want to do this as soon as possible, I want to go out and tell the public, I want to start getting the help right now, I want to be a girl so bad that I just want everything now. But I guess reality is that I can't have that. I talked to my girlfriend about how I felt like I didn't want to wait and she said if I respected her family member who went through this that I would listen to her and wait till I'm done with high school. The talked became like a 2 hour convo on how that I should wait and I told her how I felt. How why should I wait if I can do this now? Now heres another problem, I feel like if I act on my own not only will I be disrespecting her family member but I would be doing the same to her. They both know about the sex change process more than I do, they are a great help and this friday when I talk to her family member I will know a lot more but like I said before deep inside I don't want to wait. Do I push that feeling aside or do I act on my own? I don't want to disrespect the love of my life and the greatest help I can get possible but I don't want to wait. I just want what's best and she wants what's best and I feel like the longer I wait the more I have to live this lie. She also told me that I'm worrying to much about it all. Like you know I got questions and I'm really worried about things like my body and my hair and how everything would work out. Like because I got very curly puffy hair, I'm worried that when I go through the process my hair would make me look more like a male than a female and I don't want that AT ALL. I don't want to look at a boy in any shape or form but I know I can't have that. I said that if my hair does get in the way that I will have to straighten it after the process so I can look like a female more. But then see what I just said? ITS SO FAR AWAY! So why am I worrying about all that now? I just want to make sure that this change, by the end of it that I really WILL look like a girl. I want to be able to wake up one day and look at myself in the mirror and see a beautiful girl in the reflection, not this guy that I am now. I also think about like my new life style? Like how do you live like a girl? Is there a way to even like switch over that? I been told that the process helps you with that but I want to be a girl so bad and I just don't know how one day I can wake up as a girl and then act like one when I been this male all my life? I don't want to be a male at all and I'm just so arg about that. My hands are shaped and my body is shaped as a male. I have a freaking adams apple and I know that the sex change can't do that, so I can't have it all and I'm just like once I'm done with the change will I REALLY look like a girl? Or will my hands and body get in the way of that? So many thoughts are racing threw my mind and I'm so confused because I'm at a point where I'm being told not to act on this till later and I want to do it so bad. I don't even know where to start, I don't even know how to even get a jump on ANY OF THIS. When I was at lunch today there was this girl at my table who was looking at me and she kept looking at me. So I asked her why are you looking at me?? Is it the eye liner or something? Well she was being really nice and told me that the eye liner looks nice on me and that I know how to put it on better than she does and we both laughed and then she told me that my face structure is so close to a females one that if I had my hair shorter and looked like a girl that my face would be perfect and when I heard that I cried because that meant so much to me. I only really talked to this girl here and there but for her to say such a thing really made my heart sing for joy. To know that someone can look at me and see a girl in me, that really shows that this is meant to be. I told her about my sex change and how I want to do it and she told me that whatever you need to do to feel right in your own body that you should chase your dreams and not worry about what others think about you. That too really got to me because that just made me feel more like I NEED to do this now! ThaT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT AT ALL! My girlfriend always tells me that I look beautiful, that she sees me more as a girl than a guy too. That even no without the change she can see the girl in me and when i hear that it reminds me how true this love is with her. She is my support with this and my inspiration. She is the only person who has ever made me feel beautiful, and who made me feel like a girl and not a man. I feel so girly around her and so cute and so right and I never been more in love with her than I am today. I really appreciate her more than ever for helping me and talking to me about this. One day I know I'm going to be that beautiful girl that she tells me that she sees and I'm going to be able to hold her as a girl and just fully embrace her with my love as a female. She told me today that when I get the sex change that its going to take sometime to get used to. I was asking her today that can she really go through this with me? I told her I needed to know if you could give up sex for me because I told her straight up that I was not going to keep my penis ,that I wanted nothing to do with being a male and made it clear that the sex life we know of now, its not going to be there. Can you go the rest of your life with me after the change without having a dick in you? She told me that to tell the truth that its going to be very hard and that there is going to be sexually anger because of it. Sometimes I feel like ever since I told her that I'm forcing her to go through this with me. That I'm forcing her to give up sex and to become lesbian with me. I know after the change I'm never ever going to like a male in that way, that I'm madly in love with Alex and that I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I just want her to be happy and she is so used to the male and female relationship we have no that its going to be hard to change that into a female to female type of love. I told her that and she said that yes your right, its not going to be easy for me, but for you, I will get used to it and love you for who you are. And that really touched me to know she would give up so much for me to stay and be happy with me. But now that I think of it....can it be possible to go from a male and female relationship...to a female to female? Is there a right way to do this? Can you just wake up one day and be gay with the girl you been having sex with for sometime? Can you just give all that up in a blink of an eye? All I know is that, I giving up my sex life that has to do with a penis going inside a girl after the change. I won't have that part of me anymore and that I want to be with Alex, That is very clear to me. When my mom got home today I was going to go to barns and nobel to find some books on all of this. If there are even books on transsexuals. Well I was all ready to go but she had to much work to do and that made me feel like she was putting work ahead of me and that what I told her did not matter. I came out to me mom last sat and ever since she never said a word about it but what she said to me on the way to school. So I kind of got upset and asked her if she feels uncomfortable on this and she told me that she is. The last thing she would ever think to hear me tell her that is I want a sex change. She said that she thought I was gay but not this. So she felt very confused. I told her how I felt and tried to made her understand but she kept telling me all the bad of this. what can happen and why I would want to do this to my body. I kept telling her the same reason being that since the summer of me going into 8th grade that I felt very wrong in the skin I was in and that was the start of my changing myself to feel more like what I was feeling inside. She and I went on the computer and she got really silent and just started to her hands on her face and move her hair and she goes I don't even fucking know where to start. She asked me how much this is going to be and I told her I had no idea. and She got really mad and kept telling me that she doesn't even know what to do with me or with this. After her yelling at me and saying that, I got upset and told her that I was going to sleep and that i did. And when I slept I felt like if my mom is at lost and she's an adult how am I ever going to begin anything if I don't know where to start....