Socialization

[chaoticset.livejournal.com]

Looooong phone call with my bf, and it scared me.

Background -- I'm MtF, not passable yet and not completely sure I'm going to get passable. 8 months of HRT so far, but I'm 30 in a few months, and I'm not sure how much redistributed fat is going to be able to compensate for my bone structure. I also got fired two weeks ago, from a job where I'd come out to virtually everybody important and was getting myself ready to try to start coming to work dressed.

I have pretty much spent the intervening time indoors, and now I'm looking for remote jobs so that I don't have to worry about trying to do the same thing all over again -- get a job, get past my social insecurities, get a feel for who's comfortable with the idea and who's not, and start coming out to people.

He is concerned that I'm isolating myself and becoming depressed.

If he were the only one, I'd pass it off and say, "So what." But he's not. And, honestly, I have a really hard time producing reasonable arguments about this whole mess. I don't know where the lines between reasonable fear and unreasonable fear are about going out dressed.

I told him I don't see the point of going out and being percieved as a man in a dress, and I know that's how I'm going to be percieved for now. I don't have the voice. I don't have the walk. I sure as fuck do not have what I need physically at this point.

I don't think I'm strong enough to do this. I'm not capable of correcting people. I still don't feel like they're going to see me, just him.

I have a therapist, at least a few friends, and a few SOs all telling me the same thing, and the obvious solution -- just...just say "fuck it" and do it -- isn't an option.

Any advice is welcome. I have no idea what I can really do about this, but I'm becoming increasingly desperate.