help?

[infiniteabysss.livejournal.com]

I need some advice/support and I’m hoping I can find it here. I guess I’ve always thought I could be trans. When I was a little girl(around 8 or 9) I had this “plan.” I planned on living half of my life as a female and the other half as a male. I wanted to transition and live out the other half of my life as male. I was excited about this. I couldn’t wait for it…but there was also a very sad part to it. I would leave every single person and thing behind. I didn’t want to “disappoint” anyone…or make them feel uncomfortable so it was something I thought I had to do. As time went on I would go online and enter chatrooms as male. I enjoyed acting as a male from behind of the safety of a computer screen. It wasn’t just to trick people and entertain myself. I felt happy and relaxed when playing this role. I felt like “me.” I would comb my hair in masculine styles behind closed doors. My parents told me that as a baby I would constantly try to pee standing up. They never thought of it as anything trans related. Maybe its not. I'm not comfortable being with guys with my body. I hate it. I do find men attractive though. If I had a male body I would be so much more comfortable sexually. Even romantically. I'm sad most of the time. I watch videos on the experiences of ftm’s and their transition. I see their progress and it excites me…like a little glimmer of hope. But I know I cannot unless I disappeared from everyone I know. This makes me so sad. I couldn’t do it. My family would not understand. My friends would try to be supportive but they would be uncomfortable even though they’d never admit to it. I’m depressed and would rather keep my loved ones happy than myself, but I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I feel lost. And trapped. Maybe transitioning isn't my only option...Any advice?Any similar experiences?