(no subject)

[faeriegrrrl23.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure how to start this... so I guess I'll just start rambling and hope it makes some sort of sense...

I am polygendered (identifying as more than one gender at any given time. I.E. Iding as a guy one day, a girl the next, and any other gender that they feell like any other day they want...) And genderqueer (anything that doesn't fit into the binary gender system.) And I've been having a lot of issues about wanting to pass as a male because of my family, and my view of societal stereotypes. I haven't been able to pass in public because of most of this... Although I have been using the Family restrooms at the mall lately because I have no idea which restroom to go into... My gender is so absolutely fluid... And I had a lot of issues with Stephan not wanting to be with me later on if I transitioned completely someday. So it was really hard... And for the last couple of days that I've been staying here at Stephan's, I've felt completely masculine and wanted to be seen as a guy. And two days ago, he called me by the gender neutral pronouns Ze and Hir, and I had never felt so comfortable with my gender up until that moment. I can be more gender ambiguous when I'm feeling like it now... and then he called me by masculine pronouns last night and was talking with me as Zac and laying with me as his bf, and we were discussing whether or not I wanted to transition completely because I've been having issues with my chest lately. Mostly it's because I have no chance to be anything different from my biological gender while I'm at home...... My parents have no idea that anything exists outside of the binary gender system.
I think the hardest part for me is figuring out which gender I am when I wake up in the morning. I can go from being femme/butch dyke, to being completely feminine, to being femmeboi, to being transfag, to being androdyke, or androfag, to being masculine male, to being queeny gayboi...etc... it's forever and ever and ever long. I also think it's harder when I can't dress or pass as the gender I am. I think all of these are a part of me, and that I'm all the same person, just with many many different aspects to my personality.
I picked Zachariah Alekzandar (Zac for short) for use when I'm feeling more male, and Suzannne is fine for me when I'm feeling more female. And I'm using Z for when I'm more gender neutral/genderqueer.
I'm just getting more and more comfy with switching my genders, even if right now it is just in private. But I feel more comfortable switching it to public very very soon. As soon as I get a binder that is...
So no matter what you know me as... I'm still the same person, just with a knowledge that more closely resembles who I am and who I want to be. And I know that not everyone will get the pronouns right or the names right... And if worse comes to worse, Z works for everything. :)

Always,
Z