Will this ring really "FOREVER" intwine us?

[sumofherpartz.livejournal.com]

~TIPPING MY CAP~

    Greeting everyone!  I came here to vent for a while because I really have no where else to turn.  With all my effort I will try to keep it short and to the point.  All comments and input is welcomed.

     September, almost eight years ago I reconnected with a beautiful woman I had met briefly about two years earlier when she was dating the room mate of my later to be ex.  We began just chatting on line and slowly graduated to late night phone calls and a long distance romance ensued.  She was in a bad relationship and I had not long before hand ended an emotionally and mentally draining partnership.  At this time I was not living as a trans-man but I was very honest with the Lady that was tugging at my heart strings about who I was and what my life was all about.  She id'ed as a lesbian but had been with men and I was okay with that.  All of my previous reationship were either with bi-sexual women or  lesbians who were attracted to stone butches.

    After several months she escaped her bad relationship and moved within a hours drive of where I lived and we began a real- time relationship.  I tried to educate her about who I was a female bodied man.  She was and has always been very respectful of not acknowledging my offensive parts and she knew it would be different and even difficult but wanted to be with me.  We kept things real and honest with each other.   I tried hard not to fall in love with this woman because I had been down this road before. 

    Three years ago in October she joined her life with mine in a hand fasting ceremony.  I couldn't have been happier (unless you count waking up one morning and finding out that I was finally a "real" boy) but at the same time I didn't want her to stop being who she was, which was a woman that loved women!  At that time I gave her the freedom to still be who she was as long as I knew about and the other party involved it was only something physical and I asked her to be honest with me and let me know if her feelings changed.

     My lovely wife got injured at work shortly after we started dating and has been house bound for almost the last  7 years.  She has a back injury and has lost the feeling in her legs so they don't work as they should so her driving and activities out side of the house came to a halt.  i work two jobs to make sure we can keep afloat.  She began spending a great deal of time on the computer, her way of staying in contact with the world outside these walls.  A few months ago I began feeling like she had developed strong feelings for a friend on line and recently she had a chance to go and visit a friend who lived in the same area as this "new" friend.  I wouldn't have denied her going because she needed a break from this house that had become almost like a prison for her.

     When you love someone with your soul you can tell when something is different and all the signs were there.  The day after she came home she had an appointment with her psych and he asked how the trip went and I responded that I felt as if she regretted having to return home because of the freedom she had there with her friends taking her out and about.  She began crying and shut down in his office.  On the way home I apologized for making her cry and she said she had a lot on her mind and I told her that I was there to listen.  With the next words out of her mouth I knew where the conversation was heading..."I just don't know where to start and I don't want to hurt you"!

     The first question was have you ever been in love with two people?  I drove quietly home just listening to what she was saying between the tears.  How could I be angry at her because she did as I asked by being honest and I gave her the freedom to be herself.  She had fallen in love with her friend after talkign on line then meeting her in person after a week.  She loved me too and didn't want to lose me or our marriage.  What she wanted was for me to meet this lady (which I want to do) and hopefully fall in love with her so that we could bring her into our home and our marriage!  According to my wife she remindes her of me just a female version!

    Needless to say I was floored.  Bring another person into our sexual relationship is no big issue because it is just about the physical pleasure.
Perhaps I am wrong for feeling as I do but the part I have a problem with is that first and foremost she really doesn't know this person and that she is "IN LOVE" with her and wants to be with her as well as with me. 

    I just don't know how to feel or handle this in the right way.  There is more to all of this but I have rambled on enough for now.  Thanks for the space to get this out of my head for awhile!

Sum