an introduction
Mar. 7th, 2011 12:29 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
0316.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transWell here I go.
I'm new here, my name is Elias Dylan. I'm new to LiveJournal.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ftmichael pointed me to this community. I believe if memory serves me I have been a member for about a week. I figured it was time for a bit of an introduction. I am questioning FtM transition though I know I want CRS however I'm not sure about HRT or any other surgeries beyond CRS. I am new to being transgendered, not that I am new to the feelings which I have had since age 8 or so but new to the acceptance phase of being transgendered. In my personal life, I virtual have no one who is trans* supportive although I live in a "progressive city" or so the residents let to think they are. My family, for the most part is not supportive, my friends are not supportive except for maybe one or two at most but I cannot really speak to them because as much as I try to educate them about transgender issues it seems they just "don't get it" - I feel alone, I am depressed, I am trying to re-invent myself which is difficult one because I am middle age and two because trying to start all over again at this age is a double sword for me. I often ask myself is it worth it to live miserable and forever in a depression or face starting over on my own. Sometimes it feels well I am in this body for this long why bother and sometimes I feel I'm so unhappy why wait any longer so often I feel conflicted. If I were say 18 I would do it in a second but then my mind goes off to why? Why do it, I feel so old - which I'm not at this stage in my life if I continue it's either keep trying to dress as masculine as possible and still having breasts (which bothers me more than anything). I look at men and male clothing with a longing to look like them and hoping the next shirt or pants I wear will magically make me look more like a guy than a lesbian. Of course this never happens. Thus I send a lot on clothes and I'm never satisfied, I am depressed, I obsess over everything now - not only my gender. I feel cheated, I feel I should have been born male and I often get angry,because of this. Right now I feel I have three emotions: 1) anger, 2) sadness and 3) indifference, the last one a sort of coping mechanism to not be angry or sad.
I use eating to help my feel good or better (which is not good because now I need to lose weight), I live beyond my limited budget to buy clothes hoping to get that magical shirt or pants or sneakers to make me look male. I'm trying to stop smoking, but I smoke more because I am depressed. I just feel like a loser. I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate pictures (I take a ton of them and maybe, if I'm lucky like one or two at the most), now I'm starting to avoid people which is not a very good sign and yes I am in therapy and my therapist told me I have no "real" symptoms of a transsexual, this keeps me in conflict as well. As I stated I'm in the acceptance stage of being transgendered but is it "normal" to feel all this. I'm already on a ton of mental meds and still no happiness. I sometimes feel life isn't worth living if I have to go on like this.
I hope I didn't bum everyone out, but I am just stating my feelings and I did not proof read this, so any grammar or spelling errors I may have I'm sorry. I'm just speaking from my heart.
Elias
I'm new here, my name is Elias Dylan. I'm new to LiveJournal.
ftmichael pointed me to this community. I believe if memory serves me I have been a member for about a week. I figured it was time for a bit of an introduction. I am questioning FtM transition though I know I want CRS however I'm not sure about HRT or any other surgeries beyond CRS. I am new to being transgendered, not that I am new to the feelings which I have had since age 8 or so but new to the acceptance phase of being transgendered. In my personal life, I virtual have no one who is trans* supportive although I live in a "progressive city" or so the residents let to think they are. My family, for the most part is not supportive, my friends are not supportive except for maybe one or two at most but I cannot really speak to them because as much as I try to educate them about transgender issues it seems they just "don't get it" - I feel alone, I am depressed, I am trying to re-invent myself which is difficult one because I am middle age and two because trying to start all over again at this age is a double sword for me. I often ask myself is it worth it to live miserable and forever in a depression or face starting over on my own. Sometimes it feels well I am in this body for this long why bother and sometimes I feel I'm so unhappy why wait any longer so often I feel conflicted. If I were say 18 I would do it in a second but then my mind goes off to why? Why do it, I feel so old - which I'm not at this stage in my life if I continue it's either keep trying to dress as masculine as possible and still having breasts (which bothers me more than anything). I look at men and male clothing with a longing to look like them and hoping the next shirt or pants I wear will magically make me look more like a guy than a lesbian. Of course this never happens. Thus I send a lot on clothes and I'm never satisfied, I am depressed, I obsess over everything now - not only my gender. I feel cheated, I feel I should have been born male and I often get angry,because of this. Right now I feel I have three emotions: 1) anger, 2) sadness and 3) indifference, the last one a sort of coping mechanism to not be angry or sad.I use eating to help my feel good or better (which is not good because now I need to lose weight), I live beyond my limited budget to buy clothes hoping to get that magical shirt or pants or sneakers to make me look male. I'm trying to stop smoking, but I smoke more because I am depressed. I just feel like a loser. I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate pictures (I take a ton of them and maybe, if I'm lucky like one or two at the most), now I'm starting to avoid people which is not a very good sign and yes I am in therapy and my therapist told me I have no "real" symptoms of a transsexual, this keeps me in conflict as well. As I stated I'm in the acceptance stage of being transgendered but is it "normal" to feel all this. I'm already on a ton of mental meds and still no happiness. I sometimes feel life isn't worth living if I have to go on like this.
I hope I didn't bum everyone out, but I am just stating my feelings and I did not proof read this, so any grammar or spelling errors I may have I'm sorry. I'm just speaking from my heart.
Elias