Feeling Selfish!
Mar. 16th, 2011 06:15 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
trailrat.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
transMy Nan (Dad's Mum) passed away last night in her sleep.........
And I feel selfish!!
Because all I can think about is me, me, me!!
I'm upset for my Dad and his loss. I'm upset for my Uncles and Aunts too. And I am upset by the news. Strangely no tears though!
But all I can think about will be the funeral and how I present myself! This is the first big family gathering in a long time and certainly the first since I went full time.
But do I be respectful and go sans make-up? I know I won't be crazy enough to try a dress or skirt for this occasion! Do I just "man up" for the day? I know I won't feel comfortable but then it is a funeral and a family gathering, never been good with family gatherings! It feels like giving in for the sake of the family, like I can just turn it on and off as it suits them!
A year down the line and it would be a non option, I'd be well in to my hormone, started laser hair removal and possibly improved my voice.
For Jeebus Sake, My Nan has just passed away and all I can think about is myself!! And I feel so emotionless over the whole thing.
It's not like I was a bad "grandson" (I was always Grandson to my Nan, right to end). I visited when I was with my parents, I fixed her TV when it broke, fixed her phone when it broke, helped my Dad do little chores for her. She has seen me with make up on, but I don't think it registered with her. She was 96 and we all thought she would be around forever, getting her email or text or whatever from the Queen!
And I feel selfish!!
Because all I can think about is me, me, me!!
I'm upset for my Dad and his loss. I'm upset for my Uncles and Aunts too. And I am upset by the news. Strangely no tears though!
But all I can think about will be the funeral and how I present myself! This is the first big family gathering in a long time and certainly the first since I went full time.
But do I be respectful and go sans make-up? I know I won't be crazy enough to try a dress or skirt for this occasion! Do I just "man up" for the day? I know I won't feel comfortable but then it is a funeral and a family gathering, never been good with family gatherings! It feels like giving in for the sake of the family, like I can just turn it on and off as it suits them!
A year down the line and it would be a non option, I'd be well in to my hormone, started laser hair removal and possibly improved my voice.
For Jeebus Sake, My Nan has just passed away and all I can think about is myself!! And I feel so emotionless over the whole thing.
It's not like I was a bad "grandson" (I was always Grandson to my Nan, right to end). I visited when I was with my parents, I fixed her TV when it broke, fixed her phone when it broke, helped my Dad do little chores for her. She has seen me with make up on, but I don't think it registered with her. She was 96 and we all thought she would be around forever, getting her email or text or whatever from the Queen!
