Feeling Selfish!

[trailrat.livejournal.com]

My Nan (Dad's Mum) passed away last night in her sleep.........

And I feel selfish!!

Because all I can think about is me, me, me!!

I'm upset for my Dad and his loss. I'm upset for my Uncles and Aunts too. And I am upset by the news. Strangely no tears though!

But all I can think about will be the funeral and how I present myself! This is the first big family gathering in a long time and certainly the first since I went full time.

But do I be respectful and go sans make-up? I know I won't be crazy enough to try a dress or skirt for this occasion! Do I just "man up" for the day? I know I won't feel comfortable but then it is a funeral and a family gathering, never been good with family gatherings! It feels like giving in for the sake of the family, like I can just turn it on and off as it suits them!

A year down the line and it would be a non option, I'd be well in to my hormone, started laser hair removal and possibly improved my voice.

For Jeebus Sake, My Nan has just passed away and all I can think about is myself!! And I feel so emotionless over the whole thing.

It's not like I was a bad "grandson" (I was always Grandson to my Nan, right to end). I visited when I was with my parents, I fixed her TV when it broke, fixed her phone when it broke, helped my Dad do little chores for her. She has seen me with make up on, but I don't think it registered with her. She was 96 and we all thought she would be around forever, getting her email or text or whatever from the Queen!

Therapist Rant

[greatkills.livejournal.com]

I recently came out to my therapist. At first, she seemed really supportive and even congratulated me! She saw it as a big step. But when I told her last session that I was curious about hormones, she seemed to take that option off the table for me. She told me that I'd need to see somebody else for "that kind" of therapy, and that testosterone could increase aggression. And I'm just like, "wha--? But you were so welcoming..."

I've been seeing her for 5 months, but I've only just started bringing up gender as an issue...because I've been facing street harassment for being visibily queer. This is something I've talked to her about before (almost every session!), but not on the level of "I'd like to be a guy" so much as facing that harassment. But I've been living this way for a while, and the more I pass, the better I feel about myself. I was hoping by being really direct with her about it, she could help me transition. But I guess she just sees it as an emotional breakthrough for me, like, I had never expressed these feelings of maleness until I got into her office. Maybe she expects me to "work through those feelings" or some BS. She even asked me if I thought my orientation was changing when I reported yet another instance of being stared at by a cisgender man. The worst part is, I just sat there and didn't challenge her. I sat there and listened like what she was saying to me was fine. But the more I reflect upon it, the more upset I get.