(no subject)

[supresmooth.livejournal.com]

So my mom knows now. She knows everything. She knows that I like men and women. She knows about the mastectomy. She knows that I am a man. But she won't accept it. She's scheduled us for counseling, which is great because I need it, she needs it, and it's a requirement for the mastectomy and testosterone treatment. She tells me she loves me, and I believe it. But I know she holds back. She believes that there's some underlying psychological damage that makes me feel the need to be a man. How about the fact that I am one? Apparently that's not a good enough reason for her. She won't accept that. She says that I need to be comfortable in my own skin. She says that there's something wrong if I'm not. I am, and I'm not, and that's how I know who I am. This is bullshit. I don't get it. I never expected the result of her knowing to be this way. How is it that she doesn't get it? I told her, ever since I started to look and feel like a woman, I became insanely depressed. I never wanted this body or what it had to give me. I was decieved by the biological world into thinking I'd be flat-chested and leak-free all of my life. What is this, man? I want not to give birth nor breast feed. Breasts are ugly, hideous growths on my body. They shame me. I hate it. She cannot understand this, and I don't know what to do about that. I think in her mind she thinks a counselor will convince me that I am a woman and happy to be one. If she does, she is sorely mistaken. Even if that were to happen, it would be a horrible tragedy, for I would be living one hell of an incredible lie the rest of my life. I can't do that. I am who I am and maybe that is this freak somewhere between a man and a woman, but there's no way in hell she'd ever understand that . . . certainly not accept it. But apparently, she loves me. I don't understand that.