::shudder::

[chyzar.livejournal.com]

something scary happened tonight. i was on my way back from bardo's room where we'd watched a movie. it was about 1:15am, and the campus was still very lively. (thursday night is party night at the frats, and clubs are often only 18+ on thursdays.) i was walking past the office of residential life when i saw up in front of me a group of guys. they were all pretty big and were acting somewhat drunk. i knew they were in a rowdy mood because a bunch of them kinda tried to tackle one of their friends - just messing around, but still. i had just seen the movie of the laramie project on tuesday, which if you don't know, is about the murder of matthew shepard, a young gay man from laramie, wyoming. as i walked by these guys, i was acutely aware of my short hair and baggy clothes that made me look different from most girls they were probably used to seeing. i told myself to relax, that i was probably being paranoid, but i couldn't help looking up as i walked past them. one of the guys narrowed his eyes and glared at me as i walked past, with a look on his face that said, "what the hell are you? go back to where you belong!" i felt my blood run cold, and started walking faster, scared to death that he would say something or do something to hurt me. once i was several yards behind them, i turned to look back, and saw that the guy had turned away from me and had probably forgotten about my existence entirely. i willed myself to relax, but i couldn't. i had the words "hate crime" running through my head. i have been extremely lucky throughout my life not to have had anyone yell out homophobic comments to me or ever confront me about being gay or bending gender in any way. sometimes i think it's too good to be true...that something is just waiting to happen and it's been building up all this time. i know that's crazy, but i can't help it. when i'm walking by a stranger at night and there's no one around, all my muscles tighten in a fight or flight response. and i know my particular response would always be flight. i'm not a fighter, never have been. if someone confronts me, i burst into tears instead of yelling back. it's just not fair to feel that kind of fear. i can only imagine what it must be like for someone who actually HAS had something done to them, and my heart goes out to anyone who has had to go through that.

(by the way, i'm posting this in my own journal and androgyny as well)