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What to do, what to do..
Nov. 17th, 2002 03:56 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
rainbow-roo.livejournal.comThings have been getting heavier on my mind. I really wish I had my own place rather then living under my parents' roof. I love them dearly - and I know they love me..but it's so hard pretending to be something I'm not every day when I get up. Hopefully in 2 years I'll be able to rent a place - but for now..due to my part time job and college studies - I'm kinda stuck here..in my room.
It really *really* sucks to have to hide your true self as if it was something to be ashamed of or be seen of as a 'bad' part of you. My dad is usually cool about stuff..though being Christian(not devout) and texan-based - I was surprised when I had told him sometime ago that I have a boyfriend. My mom, who's jewish - of course freaked the hell out. Disowned me for awhile..wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.
She eventually apologized for her behaviour and said it was wrong of her to say the things she said (I won't get into what was said) - and that I should live my own life. To this day though she still tells me that she thinks I'm just 'confused' on my sexual orientation and that I'm not really gay.
Hahaha..if only I could tell her how right she is. I'd give up so much to be able to tell my folks about the girl inside me. It's such a heavy emotional weight to carry around. Some days I just feel like I'm going to go nuts >.< - coupling the emotional pain of having to hide myself from my own folks with the pain of having the usual male characteristics.
I know what my options are - none for the moment, really. Can't afford to move out. Risk telling my parents? I guess I could..but at the very best things would be SNafu'd for a good while.
I try to be the sweet-hearted loving person that so many see in me..but it gets so hard - when you live in a world that seems to shove in your face how much of a painful situation you're in... I'll keep trying though. I'd die before giving up my sweet-hearted nature. I don't want to become jaded beyond all belief.
I wish an angel would come down and help me..
It really *really* sucks to have to hide your true self as if it was something to be ashamed of or be seen of as a 'bad' part of you. My dad is usually cool about stuff..though being Christian(not devout) and texan-based - I was surprised when I had told him sometime ago that I have a boyfriend. My mom, who's jewish - of course freaked the hell out. Disowned me for awhile..wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.
She eventually apologized for her behaviour and said it was wrong of her to say the things she said (I won't get into what was said) - and that I should live my own life. To this day though she still tells me that she thinks I'm just 'confused' on my sexual orientation and that I'm not really gay.
Hahaha..if only I could tell her how right she is. I'd give up so much to be able to tell my folks about the girl inside me. It's such a heavy emotional weight to carry around. Some days I just feel like I'm going to go nuts >.< - coupling the emotional pain of having to hide myself from my own folks with the pain of having the usual male characteristics.
I know what my options are - none for the moment, really. Can't afford to move out. Risk telling my parents? I guess I could..but at the very best things would be SNafu'd for a good while.
I try to be the sweet-hearted loving person that so many see in me..but it gets so hard - when you live in a world that seems to shove in your face how much of a painful situation you're in... I'll keep trying though. I'd die before giving up my sweet-hearted nature. I don't want to become jaded beyond all belief.
I wish an angel would come down and help me..
