Nunquam Desino Dormito

[llieno.livejournal.com]

Once again I am sitting in front of the flickering monitor. A few notes of the music I was listening to ring out around the dark room. This time, it is not homework that keeps me up late. I gaze out to my right. It is dark outside, but still not totally. The last rays of daylight fade away.
I often gaze up into the sky. The brilliant blue, or star-studded skies seem a promise of a different world. A better world, one out of our reach, but still within our sight. Maybe a world of magic, if such a thing could be possible. Maybe a world which is different. I long for these worlds, but I still do not wish to abandon my own world.
I am Lord Llieno, but only in some worlds. I am physically very weak, but I am mentally very strong. So if magic existed, I would hopefully be good at it. However, it goes deeper then just Llieno. For while Llieno reflects my male side, there is another far stronger side to me.
This side had no name for a long time. Nameless. One day, however, as someone on MSN was typing a long string of random letters, a few caught my eye. The name Lularia. This was the true me.
For a long time I thought I was alone. Throughout school, I was the quiet intelligent one, and I always was different to the boys around me. This became apparent later on, as I looked on, I saw the wrong things happening. I looked at girls somewhat in envy of who they got to be. I felt alone, kept this to myself, managing to keep it under control. A year of being alone on the playground taught me how to live with that.
I may still be young, but I grew aware of the world very quickly, like a lot of the girls around me. I did have a friend, a boy, and then others joined him, but I still got on far better with girls. Then I found others like me, and coupled with my fascination with anime, which is relatively rare in Britain, my understanding grew. Then I found friends on a site belonging to Yumi, and it began.
It’s not as if I just have a way with girls. I laugh alongside them, and although it may be trivial, I have fingernails the girls envy. They grow so fast. Maybe a sign, maybe not. I used to skip instead of run, and I still sit in a way that makes the boys around go ‘ouch’. Maybe the tip of the iceberg, maybe not.
All this is in my mind as I gaze up into the sky, and then at nothing much. Half-closing my eyes I slip into a dream, another thing I learnt in that long lonely year. I can feel it now. Long brown hair down my back, and a long pink dress. Or possibly a deep blue robe the colour of lapis lazuli. Pure again, or maybe I always was. Laughing, smiling, happy with myself and the world.
A noise, maybe from next-door, shatters the dress, and I am the boy again. The poor boy who was put with a girl like me. The intelligent boy who will either be a scientist or a writer. A writer! And yet, never truly fulfilling my dreams.
Maybe death would bring the new life, but I am not willing to take that option until it is forced upon me. Until then, I always dream. Nunquam Desino Dormito. Never stop dreaming.
My friends know about this, but not my family. I have no idea what the reaction would be, but it would be drastic. My friends don’t seem to think it matters much, but it does to me. Longing for a chance to be the me inside, not the me in the flesh.
A single tear flows down my cheek. Sometimes, I long for stronger emotions, not my usual self, almost oblivious to depression. Even at my grandmother’s funeral, I did not cry. I find that sad, and yet I cannot help it. Yet I have the emotions of happiness, and I strive to keep that. Keep happy, even when you are like me.
Other times, I wonder why. Why did this happen? Am I truly a girl with a boys body, or a boy with a girls mind? These questions can never be answered of course. Yet I dream on. Nunquam Desino Dormito. Another life, or maybe just my own the correct way.
Sometimes I feel like I should try to hide it more, but when I am given a chance, like on the EGS forum, I feel that this is the happier way. The better way. The true way.
I return my gaze from the window, and look at the screen. What is there? Some unfinished homework. A music file. And across the screen, ‘Late Night Musing’ by Mia Ausa. I share the pain I read there. Yet, even though I may become one, I am no writer. So maybe it is harder for me to get my message across. Even trying to work out the message is hard enough. Maybe there is none.
But I keep my pain within, maybe one day I will get the chance. Walk down the street in a skirt, laughing with my friends. Maybe my friends who I only know as text on a screen. Maybe those I know now. See the world through my own eyes, be free.
However, until then, I must get on with my life. See how it turns out now. After all, I’m still young. There may be a time when the world beyond the sky is easier to reach. Who can tell? I must carry on living as I am, half-caste. The outwards me, and the inner me who speaks out now.
I take a last look at the story on the screen, sharing the pain and nodding in silent understanding of my own plight in a different mirror. Speaking to people I know that I am not alone. Not any more. So never stop.
Finally, I close the window and leave the homework for the morning, for he other me to finish. I now take my thoughts with me to my bed, where they will repeat themselves until sleep takes me, and I can fly in my dreams. After all never stop dreaming.
Nunquam Desino Dormito.
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There was never any way I could convey everything I wanted to say, but I tried me best. This contains some of my deepest feelings, so I entrust you with them. If you wish to contact me for any reason (please do) then my e-mail is lordllieno@ntlworld.com
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Llieno
Lularia


This was written five months ago, but much of it is still valid. The site I visisted had to close, so I've been wandering for a while. I've just found this place, and it seems to be nice, so I'm posting this here