The 64 million dollar question

[madigrrl.livejournal.com]

People say to me "Why do you want to be a girl?" or something similar. And I don't know how to answer them. There's a long answer and a short answer. The long answer takes a lifetime. The short answer is longer.

So I tell people it's not a matter of "wanting". I tell them it's just a case of "being". But how do I explain that? How can I explain an essential wrongness of self? I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself; I don't think I've ever really experienced essential rightness of self. Slowly it's coming on me; as my friends accept me for who I am, as my body changes, as I make the switch to "full-time", as I make every slight change of ID that marks me to be the person I'm becoming rather than the person I have been but still I feel incomplete. Each goal achieved, each step taken brings a new joy. I am becoming who I was meant to be. It's a feeling of incredible growth. Every day I feel closer to being "the real me" and thus have something to compare the old me with. And when that day finally dawns, when I feel I've gone far enough, then I can explain the alienation from self because I will finally understand what "self" means.

I think the closest analogy is hero worship, except the hero in this case is myself. I have an idealised image that I'm working towards. I suspect that as I change so does the goal, into a more realistic one. One day the image and I will meet in the middle and it'll be fine. But until that time it's hero worship. Someone who I hold up to be a better person than myself. I want to be them, I want to live their life. But unlike most people with heroes I actually get to be my own hero one day. That person who is the greatest, the best, the most superb - that's me, just not yet.

But still I'm stuck with answering the question "Why do you want to be a girl?" And the truth is that I don't. If I really had the choice I'd be a boy. It would be so much easier. But in the end, well, I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. And it's easier to change my body than it is to change my mind.