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The love of a family
Oct. 15th, 2003 01:19 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
megan-desu.livejournal.com*sorry for the cross post, I just need to vent, I appologize in advance
Today at the psychologists office my mother unexpectedly showed up for a mother/daughter meeting with our psych. I had origionally planned on this, but I had thought she canceled because she had to go to the hospital. I almost feel sorry for her that she came because she had never seen me as a girl before. I know my mother doesn't accept me as Megan, but I came to know that session that she loves me VERY much. It really hurts me that she is stuck in the middle between me and dad. My father has actually been pushing her to cut me off, and to not mother me anymore. When my dad found out a few days ago that I was getting hormones from kaiser and he became so upset that he demanded my mother go to her workplace and cancel my name from thier insurance. He believes that it is supporting me to let me get hormones through Kaiser, even though I'd have the insurance without hormones and he pays no extra fee. My mother however refused to comply with him, and he's been getting EXTREMELY angry at my mother because of that. He tells her that she is being disobedient to him and that since he is the man of the family she NEEDS to respect him and do what he says and STOP being a mother to me, just like he's stopped being a father. The selfishness of this man makes me sick. My poor mother is DYING and what does he do??? He tells her how bad of a wife she is being, and trying to take away her motherhood.
A little back story on my mother. When I was younger I didn't care for my mother very much, and during some family counseling I learned that at the age of about 3 my mom wanted notheing to do with me. Because of a major depression which has lasted for many years, she hated herself and had no room in her heart to really love me. Over the last few years my mom has made unbelievable strides in her life. After going to a church recovery group for a year she improved leaps and bounds, and then with her psychology appointments, she became the full mother that I had lacked. I can't even begin to describe just how much she means to me. I want to do everything I can to make her as happy and fullfilled as possible during what could possibly be her last year on this Earth with me.
For my dad to be trying to take away her motherhood now that she's just come in contact with it breaks her heart. She refuses to stop being a mother, but she wants to be obidient to my father.
I also got a glimpse at what my father thinks about me during this counseling session. My mom said that he thinks that if by not helping me in the least I would become desolate, have absolutely and have absolutely no money for hormones. I can't believe what a fucktard he is sometimes. If I was somehow about to die from lack of hormones, and my father could save be by just giving me one dollar to give me enough to get more, he would stand there and watch me die, because in his view I would be choosing death by not following his wishes by denying my heart, my soul, and my God by trying to live as a guy.
I don't know where he gets off calling himself a father. My mother still defends him and says he loves and cares for me very much. Everynight he's up praying for me, he fasts every tuesday, and he's always crying for me. FUCK him. Thats not love, thats his own selfish heart grieving because he can't have what he wants. The man (or lack of man thereof) is a control freak, and anyone that should be subjugated under him MUST obey his every order. He doesn't love me, he mourns a material loss, the hypocritic fucktard. My mother is now the only family I have left, and by loving her and wanting be spend time with her before she's gone, I'm creating more of a rift between her and the "it" she loves. Maybe she sees somthing in him that I don't, but I can't think there is much more to him that I know, and I know 21 years of him.
To make matters even worse, my backback has been lost. It has ALL of my schoolbooks, and ALL of my Physics labs in it. I haven't tunred in any of the labs and they make up about 60% of our grade. Each lab is about a 3-4 hour information and calculation gathering...I NEED to find that backpack.
It troubles me, I'm not a very violent person, but often when I close my eyes I can see myself slowly killing my "father," slicing his tendons as he screams in pain, anguished expressions flashing across his face from one contortion to the next. Slowly splitting his flesh in such a way to cause the most pain with the least blood-loss. Carefully keeping him conscious and barely on the edge of shock as to not allow too many endorphins to dull his pain. I know I could never do anything like that, and it makes me sick just to think about it. Would I ever sink that low? Would I do to him on a physical level what he does to me on the emotional level? I'm in complete conflict with myself, because I know I would sacrifice my life for his miserable existance in a heartbeat. I can't help but help those who hurt me. Maybe I would only save him for my moms sake, not only would she be devistated by his death, but as she is still recovering from the motorcycle accident, and her stomach and back pains only get worse as time goes by, my father is always there for her 24/7 to comfort and take care of her needs.
At least for the time being I have my hormones and my life is progressing. I will overcome my obstacles, when my father kicks me to the dust I will keep getting back up and spitting in his eye. He WILL NOT BEAT ME. My resolve is that of the mountains. I will see him on his dying bed, and if he hasn't learned to accept me in his last breathes, I will forgive him, and then turn my back to him to let him die alone, the sad pathetic husk of a man that he is.
*huggles to all of you who were unfortunate enough to read this*
Today at the psychologists office my mother unexpectedly showed up for a mother/daughter meeting with our psych. I had origionally planned on this, but I had thought she canceled because she had to go to the hospital. I almost feel sorry for her that she came because she had never seen me as a girl before. I know my mother doesn't accept me as Megan, but I came to know that session that she loves me VERY much. It really hurts me that she is stuck in the middle between me and dad. My father has actually been pushing her to cut me off, and to not mother me anymore. When my dad found out a few days ago that I was getting hormones from kaiser and he became so upset that he demanded my mother go to her workplace and cancel my name from thier insurance. He believes that it is supporting me to let me get hormones through Kaiser, even though I'd have the insurance without hormones and he pays no extra fee. My mother however refused to comply with him, and he's been getting EXTREMELY angry at my mother because of that. He tells her that she is being disobedient to him and that since he is the man of the family she NEEDS to respect him and do what he says and STOP being a mother to me, just like he's stopped being a father. The selfishness of this man makes me sick. My poor mother is DYING and what does he do??? He tells her how bad of a wife she is being, and trying to take away her motherhood.
A little back story on my mother. When I was younger I didn't care for my mother very much, and during some family counseling I learned that at the age of about 3 my mom wanted notheing to do with me. Because of a major depression which has lasted for many years, she hated herself and had no room in her heart to really love me. Over the last few years my mom has made unbelievable strides in her life. After going to a church recovery group for a year she improved leaps and bounds, and then with her psychology appointments, she became the full mother that I had lacked. I can't even begin to describe just how much she means to me. I want to do everything I can to make her as happy and fullfilled as possible during what could possibly be her last year on this Earth with me.
For my dad to be trying to take away her motherhood now that she's just come in contact with it breaks her heart. She refuses to stop being a mother, but she wants to be obidient to my father.
I also got a glimpse at what my father thinks about me during this counseling session. My mom said that he thinks that if by not helping me in the least I would become desolate, have absolutely and have absolutely no money for hormones. I can't believe what a fucktard he is sometimes. If I was somehow about to die from lack of hormones, and my father could save be by just giving me one dollar to give me enough to get more, he would stand there and watch me die, because in his view I would be choosing death by not following his wishes by denying my heart, my soul, and my God by trying to live as a guy.
I don't know where he gets off calling himself a father. My mother still defends him and says he loves and cares for me very much. Everynight he's up praying for me, he fasts every tuesday, and he's always crying for me. FUCK him. Thats not love, thats his own selfish heart grieving because he can't have what he wants. The man (or lack of man thereof) is a control freak, and anyone that should be subjugated under him MUST obey his every order. He doesn't love me, he mourns a material loss, the hypocritic fucktard. My mother is now the only family I have left, and by loving her and wanting be spend time with her before she's gone, I'm creating more of a rift between her and the "it" she loves. Maybe she sees somthing in him that I don't, but I can't think there is much more to him that I know, and I know 21 years of him.
To make matters even worse, my backback has been lost. It has ALL of my schoolbooks, and ALL of my Physics labs in it. I haven't tunred in any of the labs and they make up about 60% of our grade. Each lab is about a 3-4 hour information and calculation gathering...I NEED to find that backpack.
It troubles me, I'm not a very violent person, but often when I close my eyes I can see myself slowly killing my "father," slicing his tendons as he screams in pain, anguished expressions flashing across his face from one contortion to the next. Slowly splitting his flesh in such a way to cause the most pain with the least blood-loss. Carefully keeping him conscious and barely on the edge of shock as to not allow too many endorphins to dull his pain. I know I could never do anything like that, and it makes me sick just to think about it. Would I ever sink that low? Would I do to him on a physical level what he does to me on the emotional level? I'm in complete conflict with myself, because I know I would sacrifice my life for his miserable existance in a heartbeat. I can't help but help those who hurt me. Maybe I would only save him for my moms sake, not only would she be devistated by his death, but as she is still recovering from the motorcycle accident, and her stomach and back pains only get worse as time goes by, my father is always there for her 24/7 to comfort and take care of her needs.
At least for the time being I have my hormones and my life is progressing. I will overcome my obstacles, when my father kicks me to the dust I will keep getting back up and spitting in his eye. He WILL NOT BEAT ME. My resolve is that of the mountains. I will see him on his dying bed, and if he hasn't learned to accept me in his last breathes, I will forgive him, and then turn my back to him to let him die alone, the sad pathetic husk of a man that he is.
*huggles to all of you who were unfortunate enough to read this*
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