(no subject)

[ftmichael.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the cross-post.

Question for all of you who have had top surgery, particularly those who went to Dr. Brownstein: How long was it before you could sleep either on your side or on your stomach? I sleep on my stomach and am trying to get myself to fall asleep on my back so I'll be ready for those first nights post-op, but it's already driving me crazy.

Why does this happen every time I have fun

[sweet-girlygirl.livejournal.com]

*Cross posted from my personal Journal*

Tonight was fun and I was really happy to get out but as usual my mind doesn't allow me to savour the happiness of having fun. I was walking home thinking, thinking about everything. Money, my life, my friends. I've been so lucky and I have so much to be happy about and I am happy but it's just that the one thing, the one fucking thing I want the most in the world I will never really have. I want oh so much to be a biological girl and it will never happen and it's just killing me inside. I don't talk about as much as I probably should. It's just not fair, I'm trapped everywhere I go, I can't really be myself no matter how hard I try. My friends are definitely helping me be closer to who I really am but I can never totally get there. This fucking body is just all wrong, it's all totally wrong. It's so foreign to me, nothing feels right. Why did I have to be born this way? Why couldn't I have just been born a girl. Goddammit that's the one thing I need the most and it's driving me crazy knowing that I'll never fully have it. Oh I'll probably have a female appearance someday but it'll never be 100% right, something will always be missing and it just makes me want to cry. I should be happy now, I had a great outing with friends, the movie was great but instead I'm near tears. I just want to be a girl is that so much to ask? I mean really why did this have to happen to me, who decided to fuck with me this way? Nature, supreme beings? Why did they have to make me this way. I'd give anything to just be a girl, to just have a body both inside and out that matches my mind. I just don't understand. I wish someone had an answer but then again I doubt one exists. I hate this feeling so much. I wish so hard every night to just wake up and find myself in a female body, to find that I've always been female that my other body was just a dream but it never happens and the pain just continues. I wish someone was here right now that I could talk to but this entry into my LJ will have to do. Hopefully someone can snap me out of this.