What Up

[freeme81.livejournal.com]

SO I swallowed my social phobia this evening and went to a house warming party at a friends house. This friend, I met on Friendster and until tonight we hadn't met face to face. After discovering that she lived but three streets away, I said, "fuck it. I'm gonna meet her and go to her house warming and be social and alive." And I DID. Yay me!

Why am I social phobic? Because of the gender thing for one. I'm so afraid to run into people who knew me "when" you know what I mean? Then there's just a fear that I'll say something stupid and people won't like me. But overall I think I'm afraid of rejection. And that's dumb because if I never put myself out there to meet people, how will I become more confident or be able to make those long lasting friendships that we see in the movies?

So Jen is really nice (That's the girl I met) and so are her friends. I hope that I can continue to keep my fears at bay so as not to frighten them off and perhaps get over some of my insecurities about actually LIVING this life that I've been given.

Good night folks!

-me-

A Poem

[freeme81.livejournal.com]

Illusions fall into illusions
Producing mass of confusions
Leading to forlorn conclusions
Facts (or opinions) I'm always misusin’
Placing focus on past abusin’
I’m re-usin’
My insecurities

Predisposed to being disposed – of
I’m sick and tired – of
Giving all my love
To selfish sons of a…
Bitch
Who don’t even dare to wish
Or even give a shit
About the big or little shit
That others are forced to deal with

It’s a metaphor; a simile
An anagram; a spelling bee
A question to an unanswered plea
All wrapped up and tossed at sea
Because no one gives a FUCK about me
Or my crazed polluted insanity