Hi, everyone.

[kestrelct.livejournal.com]

Hiya. I'm CT. I'm not TG myself, but my fiance(e?) is -- zie's MTF currently pondering over transition. This seems like a good place to hang out for someone in my shoes.

See you around.

(no subject)

[freeme81.livejournal.com]

It's Sunday afternoon. It was a really nice weekend. That's really great because there probably won't be too many of these sunny and warm weekends left. I hate winter-time.

Ok, so the last few days have been ok. I took the Literacy and Communication part of the Massachusetts Teacher Test yesterday morning. I studied for about two weeks but as a couple of my co-workers (both of whom took the test) it's not something you can really study for. And they were right. I'm not sure how I did. I'm not gonna think negative but I'm not gonna think positive either. If I failed, that'll be humiliating considering I have a BA in English but I'd get to take it again and I could consider this a practice run...like the psat's.

I'm lonely. I really am. I hate it. I need to date. Now some people think that I should get my head straight before dating someone and that's true in a lot of ways. But being 23 with little to no prior relationship experience doesn't do a lot for my self esteem and I think that if I at least dated some, not heavy relationship type stuff, but light casual dating, I'd feel better because I'd know that dispite my freakish physicality, people find me desireable.

That's what I need. To feel pretty and desired. And that hasn't happened. I'm really feeling that it might not ever happen. I'll have to get old alone. Adopt my kids and raise them alone and then die alone. All because I'm a depressed freak. Hmm...I'm not crying as I type this. I almost feel numb. That's weird. Usually as I write something like this I'm really depressed about something I'm crying and being belligerent. But right now I'm just feeling very empty and devoid of emotion.

On the bright side, at least I don't have to study anymore. That sucked ass. I couldn't do ANYTHING.

And last night was fun. I went to the Bishops Lounge in Northampton with some friends and saw this really good band called Raisin Hill. Then we went to Diva's and danced it up for a couple of hours. It was really nice. Very attractive women. I'm like a kid in a candy store with no money. But it was really fun to be with friends. I'll be doing it all again next weekend in honor of my friend Ray's b-day. 25...wow, a quarter of a century. Soooo old! And I'm also excited because the new season of Charmed is tonight! Yay!

Ok, so things are ok. Not great but ok. I'm content with what I have I guess. I have to keep telling myself that I am far more blessed and far better off than a lot of people. I gotta do that for my own sanity. I just wish I wasn't a freak.

Tomorrow I call psychiatrists so they can gimme some drugs.

Be Well,

mo