Do I make sense???

[starsofhope.livejournal.com]

I know I am trans...I want to just be like POOF a man. But I know that is not going to happy atleast in the POOF done over with sense. Does it make sense that I am just too lazy to transition. I need some people to talk to *shrugs* I don't know.


XPOSTED

Josh

Thanks

[freeme81.livejournal.com]

So I want to thank everyone who had kind words for me. Last night was weird. I was drugged on vicodin (for my knee), tired, depressed and lonely so things just all rolled into one big thing.

*sigh*

It's so strange. I mean I fucking hate myself. I hate everything about me. Anything "good" that people might see just seems so unreal. So phoney. So "who, me?"

I want desperately for people to need me and care about me and love me and rationally I suppose there are people out there that do. But I'm so jaded by pain and having been hurt and blown off by people. I have these ideals of what friendship should be like and what life should be like. Some of them are admittedly unrealistic. But others are normal things like just wanting to be desired and date like a normal person. Or to not have to sit at home alone most nights rather than going out and socializing. Yeah, I have a little bit of a social phobia but it's because I've spent so much time NOT being around people or being accepted by people that I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. And being "me" just doesn't seem to be what anyone likes. Including myself.

It's not fair and yeah life's not supposed to be fair and all that bullshit but when I look around at other people who have best friends and people to hang out with on the weekends and great jobs and boyfriends and girlfriends and functional loving families...well it hurts.

It hurts that my dad was an alcoholic and a drug user. It hurts that it killed him and I can't have him here. It hurts that my mom is self-absorbed and bitchy. It hurts that I'm fat. It's hurts that I have no defineable gender. It hurts that I only have a hand-full of friends (some of whom I don't see much or I'm only friends with out of need). It hurts that no one ever looks at me and goes "s/he's nice looking." It hurts that I went to college for four years but have a job my heart isn't in that pays crap. It hurts that I can't stop being sad. It hurts that it hurts so much.

And yes, I try so FUCKING hard to see the good in my life. That I have a job period. That I have friends period. That I don't have some sort of disease. That I was able to go to college and graduate. That I feel emotions other than anger. Yeah I know that I should be happy about all that I want to be but I can't. And that hurts, too.

I'm a fuck up. I will never be happy. I will never be in love or successful or at peace with my body.

And people say "take it one day at a time" but it's not like that for me. I'm not that type of person. I'd like to be and I tell myself I should be but I'm not. I worry. I freak out. I "dramatize." People say "you can confide in me. I'm not like the other people. I can handle it." And then they leave. Because at least 3 out of 4 days a week I'm a blubbering idiot as I am now.

I want to be able to go to my friends and cry on their shoulders an have them make me feel better and then go out for gelato and a movie but whenever I talk about my feelings it pisses my friends off. Why? Because I do it too much. So now I just don't do it at all. So they won't get annoyed and leave me. So I won't be completely alone. So I say it all on this board. Because half my friends don't read this fucking thing.

Remember...tomorrow

[boigrrl1der.livejournal.com]

TransGender Michigan will be having a Transgender Clothing &
Accessories Sale on Friday, September 17 from 6-10 pm at Affirmations
in Ferndale. The purpose of this Clothing Sale is to provide low-
income transgender individuals access to quality clothing as well as
to potentially raise funds for TransGender Michigan.

Please consider donating your gently-used and washed clothing and
accessories (clothes, wigs, jewelry, binders, shoes, ties, etc.) to
TransGender Michigan for this event. All donations are tax-
deductible.

* For Lansing-Area donations, please contact Rachel at 517-420-1544
or tenofnine@hotmail.com.
* For Detroit-Area donations, please contact Michelle at 248-514-2688
or msfoxy@famvid.com.
* For Flint-Area donations, please contact Caid at 810-424-0531 or
caid.marcoux@gmail.com.
* For donations from all other locations, please contact CJ at 810-
397-0909 or cjtunecopeland@comcast.net.

TransGender Michigan is a 501c3 non-profit organization dedicated to
improving the lives of transgender individuals in Michigan. Their
services would not be possible without the generous support of people
like you!

www.transgendermichigan.org
PO Box 224
Swartz Creek, MI 48473
info@transgendermichigan.org
517-420-1544