(no subject)

[jennyemily.livejournal.com]

I have a question to ask, because it is something that I used to do for very specific reasons, and I want to know if I was alone in doing it or not.

From my mid teens, I used to go out of my way to buy stuff like basques and very femminine underwear, gymskirts, as well as bridesmaid and wedding dresses that I used to get from charity shops. I can't explain it, but it seemed that these three things were - to me at least - the most femminine things I could lay my hands on.

I guess I was trying to acknowledge what I knew I was in the most obvios way I could. At one point I had over 30 basques - which is excessive for anyone. But since I started hormone treatment, I no longer feel the need to prove my femmininity to anyone. It's like that now I am happy with me, and the me I am becomming, there is no longer that need to show openly to the world "I am a woman".

Did anyone else experience similar circumstances, with excessively buying clothing or stuff to match the gender identity they identified with? And did the urge to prove go when you started hormone treatment?

Just being nosey :)

Can you tell I'm feeling good about this?

[kali-lindar.livejournal.com]

Great news!
Yesterday I had a meeting with Rhonda*, and it turns out all my fears were ungrounded, and she actually agrees with me! I mentioned I've been seeing her for about two years now. In all that time we've covered rage problems, anxiety, self-esteem, and Obsessive-compulsive disorder. Now right about the time I started seeing her was when I really started
developing my gender identity, and had been taking on a male persona and such. But I never mentioned that to her. I don't
know why really.

It's easy to say "there's nothing to be ashamed of" when it comes to thinking you were born in the wrong body. It is - I see it all over. But no one tells you how hard it is to actually believe it. I had myself convinced that I was just fine with being a boy in a girl's body, that it wasn't a problem. But obviously it was, if I couldn't even talk about it.

So yesterday, I finally brought it up. I think I entered the subject on horomone therapy. I was talking about my mother (one of the most common subjects in our discussions) and how now that she's started menopause she may have to take hormones. Then I mentioned someone had suggested hormone therapy to me as a way of getting taller, as a joke, and then I broke down. (Apparently all I needed was the right window - obviously starting with surgery was a mistake...)

It suddenly seemed like all the issues I'd been dealing with all this time were tied to my gender identity problems. Apparently whenever I complain about my body I say "I just don't fit in it", and Rhonda picked up on that. And the one thing I've been dealing with since the beginning - my relationship with my brother Mat... One of the three reasons I started counselling was because I had tried several times to kill him. Now we can see maybe my hatred for him comes from jealousy - that he is the oldest son and I'm not.

A lot of my anxiety problems came from social situations. Obviously that was because I'm never sure of my role in society!

The way Rhonda looked at me made me feel very foolish - as if I had only brought this up sooner we wouldn't have wasted
so much time.

So anyway, I've forgotten what I was getting at. The point is I'm very relieved by the reaction, and now I know my next
step will be telling my parents.

I was thinking of telling them on my 17th birthday, which is in six months. I figure that will give me enough time to do more research and decide what I want to do, so I will be able to answer any questions they ask me. But then again, a lot of stuff will be happening between now and October, and I'm not sure I should reallly leave it 'till then. What do you think?

*JIC- Rhonda's my current counsillor at the JCMH center near here.
(Xposted from my own journal)

Something to think about

[stacis-leak.livejournal.com]

I posted this on my own journal and anne78 suggested I cross post it to the communities.

I've been playing a little mind game with myself of late. I call it ( Passing Judgment )