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black-cat-1980.livejournal.comI just don’t understand how these feelings seem to drift and I develop these doubts. Maybe it is something to do with a fluctuation of my hormones, or even other things in life that are making me happy help blanket the feelings. Again maybe people would be thinking that I am lucky that this occurs but I know all too well that these feelings come back. This year I came to the conclusion that my self identity problems never go away. They only feel like they go away and maybe they are packed into some velvet lined box inside my head ready to be released at the drop of a hat.
I am actually terrified that I won’t be able to keep hold of the notion of these feelings and that this will make therapy a more difficult prospect. It seems strange but I want these feelings to be as strong as ever so I can confront them and deal with them. Maybe I will have to deal with past feelings instead of present feelings. Well, I don’t know how these feelings will go for tomorrow maybe a very different day to today. I can’t drop out of any therapy and I need to push myself with this because I know that if my feelings drift they will only come back as strong as ever, be it a day, a week, a month or even a year down the line. These are the more difficult times of dealing with my feelings.
I think my feelings have been even more confused by visiting a counsellor yesterday from MIND. I've been thinking and thinking so much about whether somehow something in my past has affected my self identity. I have got it into my head, maybe naively that if in fact my self identity has been affected by past events then this makes it more difficult to justify that I should have been born a woman. This seems to be related to nurture rather than nature. So many things have happened in my life that I consider not so ideal and I'm scared that these things have made me arrive at this point in my self identity. Maybe with therapy even if this were the case it must be only theoretical based on psychological knowledge. They base that knowledge on lots of people but what is to say that I am like these people. Even if a nurturing effect appears profound and I will keep an open mind to what someone says. I think I will find this more difficult to accept because to me it seems to me that my identity/personality has become flawed, changed or damaged. I seem to have a negative response to this notion. Even so when I am writing this and thinking deeply about it then I realise that even if my gender identification developed into more female and I wasn’t born with a female gender identity, then why shouldn’t I allow myself to live as a female?
Maybe, I am naive and all this I am feeling is totally normal. Afterall what women has to justify she is a woman every day? What women feels they need to feel they are feminine everyday? Maybe these are all questions I pose myself unnecessary because I am transgendered. My eyes (this is what we perceive to be logic?) are what make me think the way I do, they tell me one thing and my heart tells me another. My world is full of the need to justify to everyone and myself that I am who I feel I am...
Please comment if you have time. I appreciate peoples ideas and feelings.
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