Stealth Anxiety

[mindtheft.livejournal.com]

Background info:
Three weeks ago I started work at a women's only, feminist organization that provides housing to cis and trans homeless women. Currently I am the only trans female full time staff member. This org. is super trans positive, backed by a really awesome union so, in terms of my rights as a worker, there's no issue whatsoever.

The issue:
For the first couple weeks, I was being gendered properly almost 100% of the time and I had not outed myself as trans.  For all intents and purposes, I was stealth and for some reason this made me feel super anxious. I went to work every night with knots in my stomach, I could barely eat while at work, I was drinking *WAY* more coffee than I normally do, etc. 

Finally, late last week I came out to a couple of my co-workers and a couple of my clients and ever since I've been feeling super calm. 

The thing is I can't seem to figure it out. Is it Stealth shame? Trans pride? Feeling like I'm hiding something?

All I know is that I felt super paranoid, like someone was going to call my bluff (internalized transphobia?).

I dunno, have people felt this way before as well?

It's like when everything is going so well, you're just waiting for the bad to come, the calm before the storm or something

I appreciate your input!

xoxo