Hello, FTM?

[aazhie.livejournal.com]

Aazhie is kind of my artist moniker, but that or Jessi is just fine. I'm only just starting to research this stuff. I'm fascinated by sexuality and like to learn about it, but I'm pretty uncomfortable doing much physically. I might be turning into an asexual person, probably because I'm realizing how uncomfortable it is/was to be/have been seen sexually as a woman. To me, women are very pretty but I don't want to do sexual things to or with them and it bugs me to have a feminine appearance and body parts. That said, I'm always fluxuating between "Wow, life would have been better if I;d been born male or Cis-gendered female" and "Wow, it's kind of neat to be part of a unique gender-wise." It's an interesting learning experience and since I can't change things I'm trying to deal with the fact that sometimes life isn't exactly what you want it to be.

I've done some therapy and a lot of binding/packing and crossdressing. Loving the idea of top surgery and hesitant but interested in T. Have not officially come out to anyone other than close friends. I have a genderqueer roommate and loads of trans friendly people to talk with though and it helps! Actual therapy is interesting but too broke for it at the moment. I'm not really sure WHAT I am, but it's pretty softly masculine. I usually see myself as a not-terribly-assertive gay man, though I'm working on the assertive part.

Also, it makes me sad to think about surgery because I think it would be much better if people could swap parts. I want male genitals and chest, will trade female equivalents? It's wishful thinking, but even though I don't really want to possess a uterus, it seems a waste to just cut it out and throw it away.